I think I need a supernanny - need help with 3 yo behaviour

[Albertatata]

DS1 turned 3 in September and for the last month his behaviour has becoming increasingly bad. He has never been the easiest child to deal with, always lots of grumpiness, screaming, always would wake up in a bad mood etc etc. but now I feel like it is really starting to impact on family life and I don't know what to do.

I have DS2 who has just turned one, he is a delight but I feel like all my attention is on this screaming, moaning rampaging 3 year old. For example today DS1 didn't want to go to Playgroup so we decided to go to the local museum for the storytelling which he was very excited about but .....

As soon as we were waiting in the line for tickets he started moaning and whinging how he wanted to go in NOW etc etc then when we were in the story telling everything was wrong - he wanted a different musical instrument, then the man wasn't't listening to his suggestions, then he wanted to dance to the music, then he didn't do a jump right etc etc. it's just not enjoyable spending time with him - whilst all the other children are having fun he sits with his bottom lip out or with his back to everyone.

Once story telling was finished he then had a major tantrum because his favourite exhibit was closed - major tantrum, so I decided we were just going home as I didn't feel like prolonging the agony anymore. It's so embarrassing - I was there with my friend and her daughter and I just had to leave.

Everyday it seems the same - he screams and shouts about everything, everything is wrong. I don't really like doing anything or going to places because of his behaviour. My mum came down last week (I have no family support other than mum coming for

Have you tried some of supernanny's tricks? When dd was three and we went somewhere new or different, I used to crouch right down when we got to the entrance and tell her what I expected of her eg please don't run off, listen to what you're told to do, etc. and if she misbehaved I gave her a really clear warning. Generally she was a lot easier than your son by the sounds of it, but no child is good and lovely all the time! It might make him feel a bit more grown up - that you have "big boy" expectations of him. And then a ton of praise when/if he behaves well.

Definitely make time to play with him on his own whenever you can, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing.

Fwiw, I would also feel "guilt tripped" by some comments up-thread. Focus on what is constructive for you and your situation!

Ps dd is still only 4, and ds is 2, so I know how exhausting it is, especially if you work and want the days you do actually spend together to be fun. It adds to the pressure on everyone.

I try to look at the fact they misbehave for me and are angels for the nanny as an honour! I get to see and deal with the child's real, raw, unfiltered emotions, whereas everyone else gets a "social-performance" version of the child.

albertatta I am sorry that in any way I suggested that you don't love your son. I know that you do, otherwise you would not be appealing on Mumsnet for help. I didn't feel that you didn't love him but I thought that perhaps at the moment you didn't like him much.
Even though I loved my children, i am sorry to say that on a occasion, I bloody hated the relentless hard work and boredom of the whole process.
When I was pre-mentrual, or fed up, or tired, my patience wore thin and my behaviour towards them was not always as it should have been been. I am deeply ashamed now as I was supposed to love them and be their protector.
I was trying to prevent you ( albeit clumsily) from in the future suffering from the same guilt. I did not mean to hurt you.
My dear vulnerable children were sometimes couped up, on a wet dreary day ,with a person who I would describe as unpleasant.
They were dependant upon me for absolutely everything. and I treated them as though they were adults and expected them to understand that Mummy had a headache etc.
I know now that a three year old recognises, from being a baby, who their biggest fan is. Even if they don't remember the details they will remember where the warmth came from. If you shout at them, they won't remember the words but they will remember that you shouted.
When my DC were born I looked into their faces and never thought I could love any one more. Then as time went on and tiredness took its toll, from time to time, I couldn't help resenting them.
I didn't do it all the time thank goodness and I believe I have been a ' good enough Mum', but it was easy to focus on them when they were being badly behaved and not what I was doing ( or not doing) to make them miserable. You did say in your original post albertata that you wanted a Super Nanny to observe your behaviour as well as your son's. I presumed from that that you thought your behaviour needed looking at as well.
You are also tired albertata and are going through one of the hardest times of your life but believe me your little three year old knows if you are fed up with him. When I read your post I just had this picture of your little boy sitting sadly with his miserable face and my heart went out to both of you.

It can become a vicious cycle. Is there any possibility ( barring a ADH diagnosis) that you now expect him to misbehave and so the anticipation is making you feel anxious , and he can sense that you are somehow angry with him and so he fulfils your expectations ?
He is only three. Do you think he is old enough to be deliberately thinking up ways to be naughty and drive you mad
Somehow when you are relaxed problems don't feel as bad and we cope better.
I think mindfulness training might help you to keep calm and be patient until this bit is over. You are having one hell of a stressful time after all. Xx

I could have written your op. I actually have a meeting at nursery tomorrow to discuss DS's behaviour. I'll keep watching this thread for tips, but in the meantime I hope you know you're not alone! DH and I keel scoffing: "terrible twos? Pah! Two was easy. Three is hard".

Lovebombing by Oliver James helped me figure out how to reconnect with DS when he was a similar age.

We don't do the daily sessions any more, because life got too complicated - 5yo DS was diagnosed with ASD two months ago, and it has been a very tough year. But DS is very certain that we love him.

It's okay not to like your DC's behaviour sometimes. Acknowledging that to yourself can be really important in enabling you better to manage your own behaviour in challenging circumstances. And of course it doesn't mean that you don't love them unconditionally.

Shouting isn't ideal, but it certainly happens in our home sometimes. While we're the adults, it doesn't mean that things don't become too much for us too some days. I try to take myself away for a few minutes to calm down when that happens, and will acknowledge it to DS, apologising if I've shouted at him.

There have been a lot of very helpful posts on this thread. I also have 2 DS the youngest of which is 3 and although I don't have as many problems when we are out and about, teatime to bedtime is a huge struggle and I breaks my heart to think about all the shouting I do. I am going to try and be more mindful and apply some of the advice on here.

hole I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Children are pretty resilient and don't need you to be perfect everyday.

My DS1 can be like this (he's just turned 4). His preschool didn't recognise my description of him either! We also have DS2, who's 7mo and pretty angelic, and I've been having similar feelings and issues.

The thing about them picking up on our feelings is true. Staying calm is crucial. So is lots of very focused one-to-one time (luckily DS2 is a v good napper). When I work really hard at those two things, his behaviour improves exponentially. Unfortunately, I've let things slip recently because DS2 is up several times a night teething and I'm shattered, so I've had some quite rocky days with DS1 Every time you lose your patience or shout, you just have to tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day, and keep trying.

With kids like this, it can be a constant battle - some children do just have a naturally more challenging temperament and need careful management. People who have easier children just don't realise how much it takes out of you. I can see the difference even in my two (DS2's first year has been a picnic compared to DS1's).

A book I've found useful is Raising Your Spirited Child. Lots of tips in there for gently and lovingly steering your DC in the right direction and appreciating the positive side of some of their trickier personality traits.

It is hard. I know.

(PS hole's posts made me feel guilty too, and they weren't even directed at me...)

isitme thankyou. My children all love to come home and are loving and kind to me and say they love me. Unfortunately there is the nagging doubt that I could have done better.
Despite what I think they are all successful adults and have nice partners.
I don't think there is a Parent that does not feel guilt about something. I am realistic though and realise that I was good enough. I just wish that there had been Mumsnet when I had small children.
I could have written Albertata 's post when I was young , and despite what she said about my advice being harsh I really felt for her and her little boy because I think we sometimes can't see the wood for the trees.
You can see that when you see the Super Nanny programmes.
Also surprisingly Super Nanny has no children but she always advocates patience, kindness, listening, routine and consistency. All good stuff.

hole - One thing I liked about the Oliver James book was that it was very compassionate towards the parents. It's also short .

I think guilt does go with the territory of parenting. And I think supernanny is able to do what she does sometimes because she isn't a parent. She gets to have time off...

I have a 2 year old and a newborn. Already I've found that if DC1 doesn't get some alone time with me, his tantrums become much more frequent and intense. It can be during DC2's nap, or when Daddy is home in the evening, or at the playground while DC2 is in the buggy. When mine are the ages yours are, I think we'll have Mummy time by using the TV as a baby sitter and doing reading/playing with the other, then swap over.

Been reading this thread with interest as I have had a hell of a day with dd.
A poster upthread said "you have to act as a sack where they can throw in all of their difficult emotions" - this is a fantastic way of putting it, and exactly like i feel these days haha, a sad old sack.
Dd clings to me and whinges a lot, she's always been a crier and a whinger. When Dh is off work (like today) she seems to be worse, playing us off against each other because she knows that while I am no nonsense, dh caves in. The result of course is more whinging and cheek.
Today she pooed in her nappy and wouldn't tell us while we were in the park. I couldn't change her as there isn't anywhere to, and I hadn't brought anything as we're so close to home I thought she'd be fine for a little while. But we left the park far later so she became very sore. At home she went absolutely mad and wouldn't let me deal with her sore bum, I actually had to leave the house and walk around the block because I thought I was going to get hysterical aswell. I returned 10 minutes later and she was fast asleep, dh told me she had stopped crying and let him clean her up and told him it didn't hurt
Definately feeling like that emotion-sack.