What Age Did You Take Your Child To Mother & Toddler Groups?

[fimbles]

I originally took my dd now 22 months at 1yr old, however there was a bully present and seemed to pick on my dd only!. I stopped going and took her again at 17 months and she didn't like it but gradually got used to it.

The reason I am asking is because I have been told by a group of health visitors that I should of exposed my dd much earlier ie 9 months so that she would not be so afraid of people as is the case now.

I have queried this before with mumsnet and it is common to a certain degree but it is becoming a real problem, we can't go to friends houses, nobody can talk to me when out walking. She is SO AFRAID and seems to have mini panic attacks if in a different place.

I'm feeling quite down about it and I suppose just wanted a liitle support and sympathy.

Can anyone help? - Thanks in advance.

DS1 started going at about 12 months, but didn't seem to have any problems settling in
Sorry fimbles, not much help

I never took any of mine to toddler groups and my dd1 especially is very outgoing.

Disagree with HVs, fimbles, it does make me cross when they say things like this, it's so unhelpful.

Your dd is obviously just a very sensitive child and you could have taken her to Toddler Group at 9 weeks and she would probably still have been like this. I think if you are very cautious with her, and let her cling to you and not talk to people when that's how she wants to be, she will gradually become more secure and confident - don't try to push her away and make her be independent. (My dd1 was very sociable and I expected dd2 to be the same, when she wasn't I used to get cross with her but did realise - eventually - that she just wasn't like that.)

Ignore the HVs, comfort her when she panics, she will get over it.

Maybe a contributing factor is that DH & I don't have any family near by, therefore no cousins, uncles/aunts. Most of our friends don't have children so I suppose we are a little isolated.

The main problem my dd has is with men. She can't stand any of them (I mean, she is REALLY afraid)I wonder how long she will take to outgrow her shyness/fear.

I am going to take her to M&T groups twice a week now, but that is not going to get rid of her fear with Men.

Any solutions?

Listen to JanH, NOT HVs!

My dd is the same and we wento groups from 9wks because I read somewhere if you are shy your children are likely to be . She id 3 now and we are making progress - still unsure of men (not a bad thing in dh 's opinion) but is getting better in unfamiliar surroundings we try and visit places in advance of important things etc.and offer lots of reassurance and allow her to lead

Absolute rubbish and very unhelpful of HV to tell you what you "should have" done. Does she give you any tips on what you "can do" now?

message withdrawn

fimbles, how awful to be undermined like that by HVs, why would they say such a thing?!
I wondered whether you have much choice of toddler groups and whether you have a full list from the council or pre school learning alliance?
I found it very worthwhile to shop around and to persist with different groups because people seem to go inconsistently, i.e. one week all slightly scary people, and the next week more friendly faces. If you find a group you like and then go very often and spend your time there really focussed on your dd then maybe she might grow to like it. I know my ds can take 5 or 6 visits anywhere to really love a place and I certainly had problems with him at toddler groups when I wasn't totally focussed on him. good luck and hope you find somewhere she likes.

I agree with all the other sensible people on here! Good point, Twiglett - meeting up with other Mums in each other houses or the park perhaps so she can get to know people one at a time.
I took DS1 to M&T at 4m - very silly as he just got walked over (literally!) Went back again at about 18m and he was fine!

Fimbles, apparently I was scared to death of any male - including my Dad! He had 7 brothers which meant a lot of uncles to scream at - and that was in the 70s so they all had long hair and beards! Think I grew out of it at 3 yrs old. She's obviously just a sensitive type. Perhaps she'll get better when and if she starts playgroup. She will gradually grow in confidence over time but will take a while and lots of patience on your part. Struggled for ages at playgroup with mine and left her for longer on her own each day until eventually she wouldn't even notice I'd left. Try and relax (!) about it - the most important thing for her now is you. And that "advice" from HV seems odd to me. Take care.

Hi fimbles, just read this thread. Don't overly worry about your DD, it may be that she's just not confident around other children yet, this is a skill that children learn. If it's any help, my DS who has two older brothers/house always full of kids, etc., hated toddler group. I took him their aged about 18 months, one afternoon per week, then he progressed into playgroup, same building, aged 2 - he has only, just before christmas, stopped crying! But is now very happy and settled. Tip for future dealings with HV type people - anyone makes a comment like this again, just reply "it's rather embarrassing but she's only like this when she sees you, it must be your big glasses/bushy eyebrows/large nostrils that she's frightened of"!

oh forgot to mention, at christmas ds was 3.5!!

roflmao at littlemissbossy

I agree re: HVs. Sorry but she's a silly moo for saying that to you, never heard such a load of bollocks in my life!

Like's already been said, it's her nature. I bet she's a fab little girl.

Someone suggested having 1 child round to yours, is there anyone you can ask?

I took dd at about 10 months, can't quite remember exactly, but it was more for my benefit rather than hers as I moved to a new area and was a bit lonely to be honest, wanted to meet some friends. She was v clingy at first and whinged through the sing song, think it was a bit noisy for her. She still doesn't run off and leave me to chat when we go, 18 months old now, sometimes hangs on to my leg other times is happy to play on her own. I only go once a week. Dd is looked after by my mil when I work so doesn't mix with other children at all really.

There is always something that you will worry about, that you feel you could have done differently, ignore this hv woman and go with your instincts. Your dd sounds normal to me, I don't beam at strangers in the street either!

fimbles, I remember your other post/s about this and really feel for you on this one. Partly because I was a terribly shy child myself (wouldn't speak to anyone even by the time I started school and there were constant consultations with parents / teachers), and partly because my dd is also quite shy. I've taken her to odd groups since she was about 4 months but only for an hour or two once a week. She wouldn't be too bad so long as she was able to stick quite close to me. Now she's 18 months I take her to a little group in the park nearby and she's still never as outgoing as other kids there but she will stray from my side slightly and play with the dolls house or farm so long as she knows I'm there. I basically NEVER push her. I give her continual reassurance and always stay put. I think making her as confident as possible is the only way. Like you we have no family nearby and the only people dd sees regularly are me and dp and we do wonder if that has an effect on her. When I was growing up I also led an isolated existence with my mother and brother and no-one else around (no such thing as toddler groups back then!), but my brother was very gregarious and outgoing it was only me who was shy. I really wouldn't blame yourself for this, you probably just have a shy little girl on your hands. Beat the stupid HV up instead!

I don't think it is a case of what age you start. Just that some kids thrive in that sort of situation and others don't. My DS1 has been going since about 6 months but he is still quite shy at toddlers groups and often doesn't stray far from mum. Sometimes though he is quite happy to go off and play - very variable.

I would try and take her to smaller quieter sessions - maybe a coffee group ?

As for the fear of men - try and get her to meet more men in a non-threatening way. Erm - friends ? Local shopkeepers, postman. Just don't push it and don't force her.

Good luck.

My ds1 is and always has been particularly clingy. I took hime to mother and toddler groups from 6 weeks. My husband and i are both reasonably reserved so odds were ds1 would be. When ds1 started playschool the teacchers were very supportive and I stayed (with ds2!) with him for about half a term to help him settle. This worked well and he really enjoys it now. I think that some children are just more reserved and find social situations more difficult just like some adults do. I would do what amkes you and her happy and ignore the health visitors advice. We can't all be extroverts!

fimbles - my ds wasn't afraid of other people per se, but people talking loudly and raucous laughter would set him off screaming. Are there specific triggers like people sticking their faces in your dd's, coming on too strongly etc. and if so could you hold her while you explain to whoever your with how to behave with her. Your dd doesn't sound anything other than a little shy and sensitive. I would echo what everyone's said about your HV too - it's not your fault - it's no-one's fault. Take things r-e-a-l-l-y slowly. Does your dd have little play people that you could act out everyday scenarios with like going to the park and meeting other people etc.? all the best

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Just had hv here this morning again and they have put me and dd into a scheme called the parent and child trust scheme. The first item on the agenda is called the parenting pyramid and step one is to do with play. I have to let het initiate all play and not to ask questions, or tell her what to do just give running commentry. This apparently is the correct way to play and teach our children independence and confidence. Not too sure really, but suppose will try it.

I have one friend who has a 2 3/4 yr old and we always say that we will visit each other but something else is always there to deal with instead ie illness, too busy, this & that!! etc.

DD has one uncle who she rarely saw and therefore has been petrified of since a very early age and hv told me that the uncle has to come to my place to accept him in familiar surroundings. Started that on the weekend, she is very afraid of him and cries the whole time. Looks like it is going to take a long time.
I was a very shy child too so looks like it can be inherited.

Dd is getting used to the play group, local church hall, she doesn't like it when other children come up to her, and very rarely leaves my side.

Your advice is so good and has really put me at ease. I have been very upset about all this and I agree that this just be mostly dd's own personality. In saying that though when i took dd to the playgroup at 1, she seemed more confident. Maybe as they grow older they become more aware.

Thanks again everyone