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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! Dealing with tantrums (that old chestnut!)....

13 replies

bronniemuldoon · 13/04/2004 12:22

I know this one just goes around and around but I need a bit of advice... Our 18 mth old DS has developed into the biggest whinger EVER over the last couple of weeks. He's fine when he's busy and we're taking him places, organising things for his entertainment (swimming, soft play, the park etc etc) but when we're at home after about 10 minutes he gets bored and starts whinging round my legs. Usually I'm trying to wash up so he hangs off one leg and if there is no attention forthcoming gives me a nip! I'm now sporting 3 nasty blood blisters on my thighs. Needless to say I try not to shout and go too mental but am getting really fed up.

We've also found that he's quite "sensitive", if he's playing with other children and he catches my eye he starts crying and runs over for cuddles and attention. I know that this can be normal but he seems to be doing it all the time. I spend most of my time trying not to catch his eye! Matters aren't helped by DH getting really pissed off with him when he's whingy and telling him off. Then I'm stuck with a whinging 18 mth old and a sulky DH and the atmosphere is awful. Getting fed up with being peacemaker and need some reassurance that this is normal or some advice to help change things. We've booked a 2 week holiday to Cyprus in May and I'm starting to dread it as we'll probably all be killing each other by the end of it...

Made myself feel better last night be finishing off the chocolate Easter eggs given to DS (guilt guilt...)

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samwifewithkid · 13/04/2004 12:37

My dd (22m) does this too. Like you say is fine when kept amused with activities, going out etc... I do spend a good amount of time with her reading, doing art stuff. But sometimes that washing up etc...just has to be done. She hangs off my leg crying sometimes. I find that telling her in simple terms "mummy will come and play, but after I've done........" I ignore her then until I've finished (bit hard with a biter though) she usually gives up after moaning/crying for 5/10 mins. They need to learn that although you are there for them, sometimes mummy has to get something done. The other time she does this is when I'm cooking dinner. The only way I've found to distract her is by involving her in the cooking process. Sit her on the worktop and "let her help" with simple things. Obviously with safety in mind.

Could your hubby get more involved with him when he's around and play/read etc.... with him, giving him a distraction

must dash, will come back later. Can hear a voice, think dd is awake!

Original poster

bronniemuldoon · 13/04/2004 12:46

thanks samwifewithkid. I try and get him involved with cooking etc too which he does enjoy but sometimes like you say, you've got to do the dull stuff too. The biting has only just started and I'm trying not to make a big issue of it as I'm sure it will make it worse but it's tricky trying to hit the right balance between a stern no and a full-on rant, when all I want to do is hop around the kitchen swearing - particularly as he is now repeating everything we say!

Poor DH does spend a lot of time with DS and is pretty hands on in every way - he's just no good when the whinging starts. Nobody tells you about needing the patience of a saint (times 2) when your little bundle arrives!

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Kayleigh · 13/04/2004 12:48

I have loads of magnets on my fridge. This keeps ds2 busy when I'm in the kitchen and he "has" to be with me. Have noticed friends kids seem to like them too. Have accquired loads over time so try and swap them over every so often to keep it interesting.
He even loves ds1's letter magnets. Can't spell but likes lining them all up.

(ooh this is a tip - off to post it on the tips section )

twiglett · 13/04/2004 13:01

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Blu · 13/04/2004 13:11

18 mths seems a very common age to have an outbreak of biting - I just used to lift DS away from me as soon as he did it, and he stopped after about 3 days.
The clinging and whingeing, too - aaaargh! Unfortunately, I think this becomes a viscious circle - it did for us, anyway. The more I resisted him, the more he did it. My (revised) approach was to give a quick cuddle saying 'let's talk in a happpy voice' and then distract him if possible, or try and demonstrate that me being busy with something didn't mean I was abandoning him. Lots of messy 'help' with the washing up or stirring food etc did the trick. (and helped me deal with it in a different mindset, too - as I was becoming a screaming harridan!)

oliveoil · 13/04/2004 13:21

My little cherub has apparently had a huge strop this morning and hit my mil in the face! She is obsessed with going outside (they have fab garden) and when mil is bored with walking round and round and round and brings her in, all hell breaks loose. She also gives me an unbelievable glare when I tell her no, which I try not to do too often as I find distraction works better.

My tip for whingers in the kitchen is to put some paper and crayons on the floor or a plastic tub with lots of small things inside. Keeps them occupied for about 10 mins max. Then I move onto something else and do the same trick. I get things done eventually, it just takes for ever.

Bronniemuldoon - I am the most impatient person around and I find it v difficult too.

Original poster

bronniemuldoon · 13/04/2004 13:58

thanks for all the tips everyone. I'm definitely going to try some of the distraction techniques - crayons, pots & pans etc when I'm in the kitchen, and the bottom of the stair trick for the biting is a good one. Have to just remember not to put him anywhere he can get up to mischief... He's a bit obsessive about closing doors/stair gates behind him at the moment so we have a big struggle when we go upstairs trying to both get through the gap and let him close it behind us from the stairs!

Don't you just find it really hard to know when to stop reassuring and start ignoring? My DH thinks that by giving him a hug and some attention when DS is whingy it just encourages him. Ho hum, this parenting lark isn't easy is it?

OP posts:

expatkat · 13/04/2004 14:30

bronnie: the one part of your story that really caught my eye was your dh's reaction to ds when he whinges. Some dads seem to get really upset if their little ds's act in what they think is an overly sensitive manner. . .they get worried that this behavior is going to translate into something unmanly. But I really think if your dh continues to tell him off every time, the problem is going to get worseds is going to become even more insecure and needy of affection & validation from you. See if you can encourage dh to lay off. 18 months is a difficult agethey start getting REALLY testy. It lasts a whileI will not liebut he'll grow out of this.

expatkat · 13/04/2004 14:31

twiglett · 13/04/2004 14:43

message withdrawn

Original poster

bronniemuldoon · 13/04/2004 16:32

thanks guys, I shall chant "calm, blue water" to myself when he gets out of hand and try the distraction suggestions.

I think there is an element of DH wanting DS to be tougher but he's not too worried if he does turn out to be a sensitive soul - it's just the constant whinging which winds him up. Think we'll have to have a chat about being calm about the whole thing and try to support each other rather than letting one of us carry the can. It sounds so easy on paper doesn't it??

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 13/04/2004 16:50

HI havent read whole thread but have a five year old who still throws wobblers. Unfortunately am often tempted to laugh which is useless. My ds used to throw incredible tantrums now is usually sunny boy of 8. I used to put him in the shower (after telling him of course and turning it on sometimes as soon as he heard it he would stop)which sounds really strange but he loved it and would then end up playing with me in the water. It worked every time and he always enjoyed it found this trick by mistake and the water was nice and warm, not cold! When there was no shower would try water games in the sink. I love water and perhaps somehow it is therapy just the sound.

Evita · 13/04/2004 20:11

bronniemuldoon, well if it's any reassurance I have an 18 month dd who's very similar, though doesn't bite or need cuddles at playgroup. She just seems to HATE it when I have something to do, especially washing up and cooking. She's fine if I lug her round on my hip involving her and I do that but can't do it with everything. I do a lot of what other people have suggested - give her things to play with on the floor, or fill a zipper bag with spoons which she 'sorts' etc. With washing up, but far the best thing I've found is to take her top off and stand her on a stool in front of me and let her help. She's totally involved in it and has actually become quite good with a sponge!

expatkat, or anyone with an older toddler, any idea how long this kind of stuff goes on?

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