I'm losing my fucking mind with my kids behaviour, I need some help/advice please.

[HelpAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Bit of background : I was overly punished as a child (I feel). My mother smacked me with a rubber soled slipper, left hand prints, which lead to more extreme loss of temper with her and more violent, out of control behaviour.

DH grew up with an abusive father, very aggressive, very controlling, the kids were afraid to even make noise around him. He was also physically abusive, though less to to DH, it was his siblings that bore the brunt of it (slapping small daughter across the face etc)

So now we have 4 children of our own and I am just in pieces over their behaviour. I DREAD the weekends and holidays. I cry most days, I get SO SO angry at them.

The just bicker constantly, fight physically, can't keep their hands off each other, cannot be civil with each other, they are so loud. We live in a tiny terrance so I can't seperate them.

My eldest is aggressive, he is 10. He growls and screams and is constantly rude, cheeky, talks back, throws things, shouts. The others are following his example.

I feel like I just want to smack his bloody arse but I don't want to go down that route but my frustration is so great because nothing works.

If I send him to his room he throws things and shouts, I'm sure our neighbours hate us :(

They are really good at school, always getting awards and praise, my 10 year old is very clever, highest achiever in maths and science in his class, well behaved at school.

I'm just lost, I hate my home life their behaviour is making me and my DH miserable and putting a strain on us.

I really do not know what to do.

Firstly, good for you for wanting to change their behaviour without smacking.
How are they outside the house? If there is six of you in a wee terraced house, you'll be bound to get on each other's nerves even on a good day. What sanctions do you use at the minute and how old are they? What does your husband think? Sorry for all the questions but am trying to get a better picture of what you're dealing with.

Try reading siblings without rivalry - it has some!e gold tips in there. With 4 DC you have to expect them to fight a bit, but the book helps you manage them to get along and deal with the fighting.

Also is there enough space and does each child have their own "haven". This might also be an issue for you?

How !much time do you get out? How structured is the weekend?

I could have written this, although I have 3 DC rather than 4. I am writing this sitting in my car as I fled the house earlier having packed a bag, as I am just in despair about their behaviour, particularly the eldest 2 (8 and 6) who are as you describe - constant fighting, belittling, just at each other's throats all the time. It is so wearing and I feel ground down by it, and also concerned that they are going to ruin DC3 (3.8) as he will copy them .

I will, of course, be going back into the house shortly (once DH has got them to bed, which should be soon). But I don't know where to go from here. I will read Siblings Without Rivalry (again...) but tbh I found it implied that following their approach would lead to an almost magical transformation and it hasn't for me over weeks of trying the things that they say. Maybe it will just take longer with mine?

Anyway - clearly I have no useful advice for you at all. Sorry. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I only have 2 dc but I've been feeling like this myself recently, it must be even harder with 4. I don't have any answers but just posting in support. we live in a one bedroom flat so also have the space issue.

I know it's probably difficult, but could you give them more attention? (1:1 attention I mean) A lot of this type of behaviour is likely attention seeking, even bad attention is sought.

Do you keep the little ones out of the older one's stuff? That was my biggest peeve as a child- my siblings broke/stole/wrecked everything I had, and my parents never stopped them.

No useful advice but I need some so marking place.

low point today was 6 year old ds2 using the f word after me putting him into timeout. him and ds1 had been arguing over a bloody cardboard box . he's extremely well behaved at school, yet at home once he's been set off he's vile.

Mine of mine is the same age lose today's highlight was him being so foul when I took them all out for lunch that I cried. When he said ok then I'll just leave I let him.

it's so deflating, isn't it? I don't get it, me and dh are nice people, we talk to to each other politely etc. I don't know where we're going wrong. dm says it's normal, they're tired from school etc but I end up thinking they're really awful. and I've cried a lot recently over them.

My DM says the same but she is not here all the time. What was kept telling ourselves was 'just a phase' is now three years in and we have to accept that it is the way he is. Now we need to work out how to handle it and minimise it and not let it dominate our family life. This is where I'm stuck. And it does make me sad. Is this what I'll remember when I look back to these 'golden years'? The sodding relentless negotiating/shouting/punishing/regretting. I've ordered the 'how to talk..' Book well regarded on here. I'm not a self help book regular but I'm at my wits end.

You can turn it around. Even the best parent has rubbish days remember though. It must be hard having such rocky backgrounds but if you look around at your friends you will probably see lots of positive parenting you can draw on.

Start reading! Spend a lot of time on amazon looking at behavior books and reading their reviews/ratings. Buy a few and really get to grips with new ideas while trying things out after discussion with DH. Parenting classes can also be good.

Also try getting out of the house early in each day - run round in the park, cycle, walk the dog, look for treasure, paddle in streams or puddles, play tag, whizz around on scooters. Being cooped up is very hard but will seem much nicer after exercise. Go out even if it rains. Hot chocolate and a film after maybe?

Have projects on the go - mine really respond to variety. I've been collecting odds and end from charity shops and plan to use them to make candles and soap with mine this week. They have also planned other activities to look forward to - mostly cake making and swimming

Model the behavior you want them to display. So staying calm, being nice, sharing, positive, humorous, loving, not flying off the handle etc

Give them one to one attention. I know you have 4 but you need to make them all feel treasured and loved and spend time with them individually. Read, play games, cook together and have fun even when driving - although audio stories are great if journeys are tricky.

Don't leave them to battle it out like feral things, they really need your attention and approval. Find lots of opportunities to tell them you love them, cuddle them, pat their heads etc. See the positive things

Also can you introduce taking turns, timers and asking the children what they feel would be fair during squables

The book "the incredible years" is really worth a look. I really like the "how to talk" books, but if you feel home is too chaotic, I think the incredible years would be better for clarifying boundaries and giving very explicit suggestions about how to respond when things kick off. Clinical psychologists often run "Incredible Years" parenting courses.

It is good that your children behave and are successful at school. You know they can do it and manage their behaviour acceptably when they need to. Please allow yourself to take credit for that. I hope you have had a better day. It is difficult to find a different path to the parenting you had but didn't like, you are looking for a straight alternative to the harsh punishments. What you might need is a change from a "punishment" orientated mindset to a more positive approach.
There are lots of resources out there (web and books)
No specific advice from me but another recommendation for 'how to talk so kids will listen' Simple, easy to read and to implement the advice, and very effective.
Another that might be useful is by Cassandra Jardine called "how to be a better parent". Good luck. Things will get better.

I think sometimes getting them in to something like kick boxing and getting them to channel their aggression in a positive manner by saving up for the lesson and taking any frustrations to look forward to. Hope it helps and well done for not smacking.