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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

does your 10 yr old do to help round the house?

17 replies

kiwisbird · 12/04/2004 20:51

I have a 10 yr old DS who I ask to tidy his bed and fold his pj's get dressed breakfasted and washed teeth etc...
for most part he is ok, but I am finding it more and more necessary to scream and hurl abuse at him to get him to do anything above and beyond the basic, even for that he needs forcing, asking 10 times to have a shower, taking 1 hr to have the shower, leaving clothes everywhere,
What the hell can I do to improve this? He is wonderful intelligent child, with no organisation or respect for order and routine at all...
I am turning into evil mother and am contemplating smacking, which is against everything I beleive in...
We do pocket money bonuses and fines, have chart for him to follow, excellent rewards, regularpriase for jobs well done...
I could go on but won't ...
Any help at all gratefully recieved, am so tired of yelling at my baby!

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Freckle · 13/04/2004 07:31

Depends on how keen he is on pocketmoney, but we have a "task for money" chart. Each task has a value next to it and, if he performs that task, then he earns that amount of pocket money. I print out a chart each week, so that I can tick when each task has been carried out. I reserve the right to award bonuses if, e.g., he has done everything in a week without my needing to scream, etc.

Other than that, maybe this is good training for you for when he becomes a teenager

frogs · 13/04/2004 08:38

My very scatty nine-year old now has a list for the mornings giving a blow by blow list of what has to be done with the time next to it, eg. 6.45 get dressed, 7.00 breakfast, 7.20 empty the dishwasher etc.

This has made me significantly less screechy of a morning, since she can see at a glance what needs to be done when. The pay-off for her is that any time lefft over can be spent lying on her bed reading the Beano.

Tasks I normally expect her to do without being reminded are emptying the dishwasher, making her bed etc, though she does often need reminding. I only pay extra for tasks that really are beyond the call of duty, such as emptying out the overloaded airing cupboard and distributing the contents into all the right cupboards and drawers, and pairing all the odd socks. Oddly, for such a disorganised child, she quite enjoys this, although she does need reminding to keep on task.

I hesitate to offer advice, since I wouldn't say we've cracked the problem, but it has got better.

I've found that the less I scream and shout the better the results: shouting just seems to panic her and make her more flappy. We started with just one task (dishwasher) to be done at the same time each day and finished within a limited time. Kept working away at this one thing and then expanded from there, since I think too much at a time was overdemanding her.

Galaxy · 13/04/2004 08:55

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littlemissbossy · 13/04/2004 09:15

hi kiwisbird ... believe me you are not alone!! my dss's (13/10) each have a list in their bedroom of what we call "morning and evening jobs" the usual, pick up dirty washing off floor, brush teeth, take dirty cups into kitchen, etc. had to resort to a list as youngest dss has poor organisational skills and short term memory problems, so as soon as he's turned his back on me he's usually forgotten what i've asked him to do. although he likes routine, he is unable to organise his own. very frustrating, particularly for him as he is an intelligent child. i also make sure they take a turn at the more basic jobs e.g. setting/clearing the table (because i'm usually on mumsnet and haven't got time to these anymore!!).
like you, initially the chart was linked to money but they soon realised even if they didn't do all the jobs on the list, one way or another, they'd still get the money/rewards. so we have changed the reward system in line with their obsession - computers "do the jobs you can go on the ps2/pc". difficult behaviour, which can be a problem with the youngest, results in the ps2 being put away/no internet access, this appears to be on a par with what it would feel like to have their arms and legs chopped off!
if he wants extra money, the youngest likes to wash our cars = expensive = have to take it to car wash next day without him knowing 'cos he does a crap job!
i must admit that i have become slightly more relaxed about the job thing of late, because generally they don't give a damn and i just wind myself into a frenzy about this .... as you're finding out at the moment! good luck, freckle's right just you wait until he gets to be teenager/kevin.

littlemissbossy · 13/04/2004 09:17

GALAXY just read your post - any chance of swapping child?

Galaxy · 13/04/2004 09:21

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Original poster

kiwisbird · 13/04/2004 14:19

alas have tried everything mentioed I must go with Freckles wisdom, he is becoming a Kevin
He will do things when asked, we use PS 2 withdrawal on occasion but he is so laidbakc he really doesn't care. I just hate having to ask him 100 times to do something by the 5th time I am screaming aiming with first thing I can get into my hand... not thrown it though,... well not yet!

He gets pocket money and has a fines pot, also chance to earn it back, he is not money hungry, he is happy with nothing (gaddamn hippy huh!)
He also has mornign and homework charts which he follows well... might embroider on that theme a little I think...
Thanks, at least I am assured he is normal!

OP posts:

taximum · 13/04/2004 15:10

I used to have a hell of a time with my children getting them to help around the house. They are great with making beds, and getting themselves organised in the mornings, and their rooms are always tidy, but to help around the house with washing up, hoovering etc was a nightmare. We tried reward charts which were fine until the novelty wore off but now we just use pocket money and a rota. If they don't do what is expected of them, ie hoovering, polishing, wiping up two or three times a week then they lose their pocket money which is a great incentive for them to help around the house. I find this works and I dont have any problems now. My sister's 11 year old, I think, does too much. Sometimes it is because he wants to but most of the time its because he feels he has too. Thats the way he has been bought up, which is probably a blessing for her, but he never has any time to play and enjoy his childhood. I say let them enjoy it while they can.

Galaxy · 13/04/2004 15:13

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Galaxy · 13/04/2004 15:18

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Janh · 13/04/2004 16:14

Galaxy, I was wondering that!!!

spacemonkey · 13/04/2004 16:32

my 10 year old ds is very good about getting himself ready in the mornings for school - gets dressed, brushes teeth, washes face and gels hair without needing to be nagged. He's pretty crap at keeping his room tidy though, although will do a reasonable job if nagged. He doesn't do any household chores at all though, but to be fair I don't really ask him to. I do expect him to pick up after himself, which means constant gentle nagging.

Janh · 13/04/2004 16:38

sm, mine is the same but for some reason thinks teeth don't need brushing and hands don't need washing at the weekend? (have to inspect him on the way out to school too - face filthy sometimes!)

Ditto with clothes - everywhere - jumper on, jumper off, needs jumper, gets another one out, repeat until drawer empty. Same with socks. Shoes everywhere. I need some elves I think. (Gentle nagging? Wossat then?)

spacemonkey · 13/04/2004 16:39

ok, that should've read "gentle squawking"

Galaxy · 13/04/2004 16:44

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goodkate · 13/04/2004 16:47

I think we can safely say all 10 yearolds seem the same. I was a nightmare until I left home, despite a very organised strict mother. Then I had kids!!!

My 10 year old dd even printed out her own job list but then failed to do a single thing on it (not even once). She makes a cracking cuppa though.

I did occasionally smack my dd (on the wrist) when she was a bit younger. (I think shouting can be just as damaging sometimes) Last time I got mad with her I went outside and kicked the wall. Bloody hurt too. I think that upset her more than anything.

Anyhow, smacking is not good, so I've told her that from now on grounding/withdrawal of her precious Martial Arts club is her punishment for not doing the simple stuff and that seems to be working.

tigermoth · 14/04/2004 08:23

just been reading 'Raising Happy Children' by Jan Parker and Jan Simpson. There was some advice quoted in it (by chrisopher green I think) relating to giving pocket money for doing tasks like washing up and tidying bedrooms. In a nutshell - don't do it! The reason is that children (especially boys) shouldn't grow up associating ordinary helping around the home with extra reward. They should see housework as teamwork - something everyone does naturally.

I can see sense in this. I am going to think much more carefully about what I reward. Washing up - no. Cleaning the car - possibly yes.

My 9 year old is selectively good about helping around the home - hates tidying up, but will happily cook simple meals or help prepare more complicated ones and will go to the nearby shop on errands. I tend to let him do the tasks he wants to do. ( I guess Christopher Green would have a something to say about that).

I find most tidying up gets done by my ds just before we go out. I say if the room is not cleared, we will not go out and I will stay on mumsnet till 'a,b,c' is done. Having an incentive and a deadline works, but this is usually accompanied by much shouting as well!

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