3 year old, newborn and hitting - best response?

[Tory79]

My 3 year old keeps hitting his newborn brother. I can't seem to get through to him to stop - he seems to take punishment fairly willingly as in his head its worth it.

Today I've ended up threatening to take Teddy away which I'm really loathe to do, but he just keeps on and keeps on.

Is it just a phase that we will have to ride out? Ds is generally a very gentle loving boy and we've not had much problem with hitting/biting etc but his behaviour has really deteriorated since ds2 arrived

My 3 year old isn't gentle with his baby sister either, despite no behavioural problems towards other children. Sad and I'm watching for replies.

Three year olds don't have much impulse control. DD1 use to bite DD2 when she was a newborn, it would start as a kiss and if we didn't remove her it became a bite. Our response is always remove immediately, and she was told to sit in position X until she was prepared to be nice to her sister. Kind of like a naughty step I guess but we didn't call it that. I don't think threats of punishments really work at that age. When DD1 started school she went through a horrible stage of hitting me during the walk home, we had a slightly delayed punishment for that in that she didn't get to watch TV when she got home but she was almost 5 at that point.

Your son used to be number one and now he has to share that position and it's not going down too well. He has discovered how to gain your attention. At this time of confusion he is seeking any attention even negative. He hits the baby , you give all your energy to him. That's why your strategies are not working.
Try cause and effect. He hits the baby you say nothing. But you pick the baby up and turn your back on him for a couple of minutes. Only say ds1 name and no. No eye contact. Just turn your back on him.
Then after a few minutes play with him like nothing has happened. During play model good behaviour. Take his his hand and stroke the baby saying 'awwww kind hands'. After that praise , tickle him , look right at son and giggle. He will then see that action gets loads of attention. If he does it independently run over and give tons of praise and tickles.
This will take time but will work. I hope that helps a little bit.

Thanks heyho I will try that.

Ds can be really loving with ds2 as well, lots of cuddles and kisses and pats on the head. I hate seeing him struggle like this because it's really not HIM!

Following as about to give birth to Dc2. DS1 is 3.5.

I had this with my two year old, it was horrid. It seems to be down to jealousy and missing being the centre of attention. Toddlers dont have the skills to talk about their feelings or the impulse control to stop themselves lashing out physically.
First protect the baby, don't leave them together unattended even for a second. Wearing the baby in a sling helps. You can still play with the older one that way.
Try to make time to give him plenty of extra attention and praise and remind him much more than usual how much you love him. Try to get a bit of one to one with him without the baby when you can, even ten minutes. Go overboard on positive reinforcement.
Help him to understand what he is feeling. If you catch him about to hit the baby (feeding was a flashpoint in my case) say something like "are you cross because mummy can't play right now? Mummy's looking forward to playing with you in just a minute"

Of course it is natural if he does hit the baby for you to be very upset, I struggled massively to deal with it calmly but punishment won't help much, addressing his jealousy and need for attention will. Do whatever possible not to give him any hitting opportunities for a week or two. Yes, it means you can't turn your back and get a single thing done but it will get better. Probably when the baby gets a bit more interactive.

I'm expecting this sort of thing from my DS when the baby arrives (any day now!) so have a travel cot for the living room and DS will not be able to get near the baby unless I'm holding her. We have already taught him not to hit me/the dog/anyone with a similar method to the above (say, "NO!" sharply, turn away from DS/tell him to go away/get down then cuddle the offended party and give them lots of attention). I still think he'll try it again with the baby though.

Unclerory my ds did just this when my dd was a newborn. There was 22mth gap between them. We tried various different tactics from "cross" no to ignoring him and making fuss of dd, and the naughty step. The thing that broke the cycle was popping him in his cot for five minutes with no talking (I think the adage any attention is good attention...), we only did this twice.
After this we had no problems and they were both very close till the start of their teens, but feel that's another story...

its hard to watch but their life has been turned upside down by this wrinkly thing and they feel angry and scared about being displaced. Especially if your ds is usually good natured like you said, he may not have had a lot of practice at what to do with angry feelings. check out aha parenting website for great advice on this situation, but voicing his feelings can help and validating the emotion but not the behaviour. For example, ds i can see you're feeling really angry that mummy can't play with you, and it's okay to feel angry but it's not okay to hit/hurt people. Let's think about how else you could show your anger (we use shouting outside, stamping feet, using words etc).
Also lots of rough play will help release the pressure of his feelings through laughter (maybe get someone else to do it while you recover from the birth).

That's the theory. I've got dd, six months, and ds, 3.1, and posted a thread about not coping in general! So the practice is a whole other ball game...

Www.ahaparenting.com
A bit American but solid advice from a psychologist. Congratulations and good luck!