3yr old DSS beating crap out of me.

[Troodon]

Hi, hoping for some advice as am currently at my wits end.

We are a blended family, DP, myself, my DS5 and DD3 and DSS3. Recently my DSS has become very aggressive towards me, out of the realm of 'normal' toddler violence, which both of mine have been through. He hits, bites, nips, kicks and spits. He completely ignores me and becomes extremely frustrated, screaming and throwing things. He will attack me if I don't do what he wants immediately, if I ignore his bad behaviour, if I try and reason with him, if I remove him from the situation.
I am struggling so much with this, he can be so sweet and I love the boy but there are times when I flinch if he comes near me.
He NEVER does this when his dad is there. DP will ask me how he's been when he gets in from work and I feel like I am constantly telling tales on DSS, I don't even tell him half the stuff he does as I feel embarrassed that I cannot control him.
DP will talk with him about his behaviour, DSS will either ignore and change the subject - and then throw a tantrum when DP persists, or smile sweetly and promise not to do it again. I dread the times when DP is not here, I can't take him out because he runs off, refuses to hold my hand, throws himself on the floor etc. And continues to physically attack me.
The whole day becomes about him, and I feel guilty about my DC (who have their moments, believe me).
There are a few other behavioural issues but the violence is what is really hard to deal with at the moment.
I would really appreciate any advice.

Which side of 3 is he on? Just 3 or almost 4? Does he not go to preschool or nursery? How is his behaviour there? With other children?

If he is only attacking you I would think that this is a relationship issue rather than anything else....does he see his birth Mother? What's his relationship with her like? Are you SURE that all children are treated the same?

He's 4 early next year. He goes to nursery, no problems there. He scraps with my DC but only really in a 'normal' sibling way, nothing that concerns me.

Yes, it's only me he goes for. As for being treated the same, if anything my two get sidelined because all my time seems to be taken up with dealing with him :( he has no relationship with his mum and hasn't done for well over a year (her choice) so I am by no means a child expert but I do feel he is 'testing' me a lot of the time, which I understand and sympathise with but the bigger picture gets clouded by the day-to-day violence.

It does sound like he is testing you. Did he have a bad time when he lived with her? Did she neglect him? I might consider family counselling OP....this is very hard. You could also post on the Adoption board on MN for more advice....although he's not adopted they will understand the issues a child who has lost his natural Mother in this way. Poor boy and poor you.

Thank you for your kind words! I don't want to go into too much detail, but yes in the brief time he lived with his mum things were not good. I understand that in his short life his experience of a 'mother' figure has not been a positive one, he doesn't want to call me 'mummy' but has been told if he wants to he can, it's up to him as and when that happens.

His history is heartbreaking and is probably why I struggle to be too harsh with him and let a few things slide, which I know is ultimately not the right way to act but I think you're right and perhaps its time to try some professional help for him. He is a very chatty little boy and will articulate every thought that passes through his head (as do the other two!) but NEVER talks about his mum. So I think all sorts of things are churning away in there.

I will have a look at the adoption board, thank you, I never even thought about that.

That's good....it must be incredibly tough...I have a friend who had similar but it was her sister's daughter that she brought up and the little girl was quite complicated. My hear goes out to him...your little boy...but I bet with you as his Mum he will get through this.x

I second the suggestion to post on the Adoption board. It may be that he is testing you or it may be that you are on the receiving end of his anger and distress towards his mother. It may be that he needs some kind of outside input to help with this. Poor kid

You sound amazing btw

Thank you, you made me cry a little bit - in a good way, for a change!
I don't feel amazing, I feel like a bit of a failure to be honest, but I love him and I love my DP and we are a happy family unit so I don't intend to give up on this. It's just very wearing and very tiring day after day.

You have both helped me to clarify my thoughts on what this is all about, I will chat to DP tonight about possibly seeking some help for DSS.

Thanks again, I'm really grateful :)

Just to add can you do some nice things together to create positive fun experiences - so cook cakes together or play with his toys together or read him quite a few books.