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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Has anyone skipped / dropped out of nursery and just waited?

18 replies

Looseleaf · 20/10/2014 21:29

I am really unsure what to do to make the best decision for DS.

I already understand the many reasons why nursery or preschool can be important as I've seen it and it was great for our eldest and seems to be for every other child alongside DS. But I worry it isn't for him and would love to know if anyone else had a child who it didn't seem the right thing for?

DS is sensitive and very very attached to me (and our life at home and thrives on doing stuff together as well as with older children). But he never really loved Playgroup and just seems lost in a group. He's had a month now at nursery and is unhappy unless I'm in the room. And only seems interested in the grown ups and i notice doesn't engage with anyone else.
The nursery is fabulous, extremely stimulating and wonderful.
Am I mad to pull him out? I am starting to wonder whether leaving it longer will help as it might be more than a settling issue. He is very solitary there.
(From my point of view I would so gladly 'homeschool' until next Sept as it's a delight. I just want it to be the right decision for him as I've never heard of a child skipping straight to school and even my home schooling friends did nursery first!

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Original poster

Looseleaf · 20/10/2014 21:32

He is just over 3 by the way if age helps. Thanks in advance if anyone has wisdom!

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WitchesBrewniperTisane · 20/10/2014 21:44

Whilst I do agree that if it doesnt suit you or him its absolutely fine to take him out til he starts school next September, there is a great deal of learning how to cope in social groups, learning to make friends, to give and take, to learn by the example of his peers. At just 3 he is just about to explode in terms of what he can do, and doing it amongst children all learning together makes a tremendous difference to many children.

Original poster

Looseleaf · 20/10/2014 22:19

Thank you! You're right and he could gain from how to deal with different people and socialise and I just worry about the emotional cost if he still doesn't want to go. I guess I want to know will it improve and DH thinks we try one more week til half term then assess.
DS does socialise a lot, but doesn't gravitate to his age group and likes quite 'grown up' activities/ conversation.
I just picture it being such a fun-filled time as it's all play but DS behaves as if a dark cloud has come into his life and has always been so happy

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WitchesBrewniperTisane · 20/10/2014 23:15

Assessing at half term is a good idea. Ds1 was a bit like this, he started preschool last year when he was just about to turn 3 and he was very much like you describe. Happy in his own world, not feeling the need to engage with other kids to play, happy with mummy, developmentally he was just not quite ready to socialise much and didnt understand all the nuances of having friends. His language was a bit behind which probably exacerbated it but over the year as his speech improved and the regular days in preschool (2 mornings a week) brought him together with other kids on a routine basis he began to play and share and pick up stuff from the older ones, he became much more independent, taking turns, seeing new and different ideas, fitting in, making friends...

This year he's running in with his gang of mates and making plans and chatty and happy and fulfilled and having a monstrous amount of fun. Hes just turned 4 in september, the oldest there I think and the difference a year of regular preschool made is just phenomenal.

Only you know if he's unhappy or just a bit young for it all. If he is by nature a quiet soul, learning to socialise with his peers before he goes to school and has to isn't such a bad thing but theres no point I making him miserable. If you can give him everything he needs and make sure he mixes with other kids regularly the he should be fine for school.

DancingDinosaur · 20/10/2014 23:24

I'd maybe leave it another month, if its still not working then pull him out. Maybe he's just not ready for it yet. Doesn't mean he won't be fine at school. I pulled my dd out of nursery, it was the right thing to do for her as she was so unhappy. Ds went at 3 (nursery attached to school) and it was the right thing for him to do. Fwiw several children in dd's class never went to nursery, yet they are happy popular children who didn't suffer educationally.

Original poster

Looseleaf · 21/10/2014 00:23

It is so helpful hearing your thoughts, thanks. I must admit it's keeping me up as I'm half wanting to pull him out now and it feels a big decision. I wish he could do 2 mornings too as I wouldn't hesitate but it's all or nothing so 5 days and 9-3 (though I can fetch him at 12 this term due to his settling issues)

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StripyBanana · 21/10/2014 00:30

5 full days is an awful lot. Can you send him to. Preschool just a few mornings? Are there dome other options? We just do 3 mornings.

Or even a childminder following eyfs. Some have several of that age group so can do similar activities just in a smaller group.

violetwellies · 21/10/2014 00:38

From what I remember of the research (about 3 years since I've looked) Nursery /preschool is actually detrimental to some children's development and as long as you give your child social opportunities and promote learning and conversation I think it makes little difference in most cases.

On a personal note (I have a business to run) although it worked for me, 3 mornings a week were far too much for DS. He is now attending for one (long) morning and we have had to get creative about me getting anything done.

I'm not saying that pre school settings are bad for every child, they are very good for some.

mipmop · 21/10/2014 00:39

Five days 9-3pm seems unnecessary if you don't need childcare for your job. At this age I think it's important to give your child the message that they are involved with these decisions. So if he says he doesn't want to go, I'd remove him and possibly try again next year - either the same place or somewhere that offers the option of using fewer sessions. Even if he is due to start school in September 2015 you could try one out two terms of preschool next year.

Ohmypants · 21/10/2014 00:50

Do what you think is right for your child. Ds goes to nursery coz its childcare, if i didnt work he wouldnt go because i love having him around, he also picks up lots of colds ect at nursery ... And bad habbits and yes its from nursery coz i am mega anti-social and dont mix with anyone outside of work! Thinking about it in my case its probably good ds goes to nursery or he might up end up really really anti social!

Heyho111 · 23/10/2014 06:58

I think you need to give it longer - till Christmas. But you need to chat to the nursery about stratagies they are using to help him settle in and enjoy peer relationships.
Nursery could play an activity with him and one other child. If they could do this twice a session that would be great. As he gets more comfortae with this they can then do an activity with three of them slowly building it up.
Turn taking with another child. Billy's turn filling the bucket - johns turn. Thrn taking underpins social interaction and social communication. This will help him feel more at ease with his peers.
Circle time. Sit him at the edge next to a quieter child. So he is in the group but not overwhelmed by it.
Snack time. Can he be in charge of ha find out the fruit sometimes. This will give him a purpose and roll within the nursery.
There are loads of stratagies that can be put in place.
My feeling is to try to resolve it not pull away from it. The nursery need to do the stratagies slowly and they take time.

claraschu · 23/10/2014 07:06

2 out of my 3 were preschool dropouts. They were both absolutely fine at school: happy, lots of friends, good behaviour.

Their preschool wasn't that wonderful, and I had no qualms about pulling them out when they didn't love it.

bigbluestars · 23/10/2014 07:09

I didn't send my children to a formal setting without me until they were 4 years old ( pre-school) in Scotland.
They were simply not ready at three.

Do remember though that even six months is a long time in a child's life, so although your child is not ready just year he may be very ready in a few months or a year's time.

Nursery is not a requirement.

defineme · 23/10/2014 07:13

If I had my time again, I would pull ds1 out. I think I would have just kept going to accompanied group stuff and maybe tried again later. It hasn't damaged him long term, but he was unhappy and I didn't listen.

bigbluestars · 23/10/2014 07:40

OP all kids are different. Trust your instincts.

tilbatilba · 23/10/2014 07:51

We bypassed nursery. Don't think it made any difference to them. We had happy days at home, out and about etc etc. Mine would have probably gone happily but our life was full enough with lots of friends, family and other children about.

EstherCard · 23/10/2014 10:32

I set ds1 to pre school slightly later than most, he started this sept just gone and is nearly 4 already. When he had just turned 3 he was in no way ready for it, he was a lot like how you described your son - happy in his own word and lost when having to socialise with other kids.
We set ourselves a one term review when he did start - if he wasn't happy we'd pull him out.
The pre-school have been really good. They let him start with only three short sessions a week with the extra hours booked in ready to increase at my discresion. After half a term he is settling so I will increase him to the full 15, but slowly as he's still wary of the toilets!
Don't feel pressured to keep your son in if he's really not happy, give him a bit of time or drop the length of each day a bit and see how he goes perhaps?
I'm glad I've left it late. He's had a bit of extra time to mature and it's made a difference, he socialises with other kids now and has mode some friends.

Original poster

Looseleaf · 24/10/2014 14:11

Thank you all for such lovely support. We decided to keep trying until half term and the last two days he didn't really cry at being left (i was still on the premises all morning to help him, in the corridor and he saw me twice as the teacher wanted to take a photo). He always says he enjoyed himself when I fetch him and I think we will keep going but cautiously- ie only keep him there for the rest of the year if he starts to go in enthusiastically. I had expected to find a job by now but would now rather time that with when he is feeling more independent and we get by!

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