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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

21 month old toddler preferring mummy.. leaving daddy in the cold! HELP!!

8 replies

MrsOs · 20/10/2014 14:25

I was home with Jamie until he was a year and then I went back to work and he goes to nursery full time Monday to Thursday and I spend every Friday at home with him. Daddy takes him to nursery and picks him up in the evening and spends time with him giving him his tea until I come home to spend a tiny amount of time with him before he goes to bed. Jamie is fine with daddy if I am not in the house or with them if they occasionally go out shopping. If I am in the house he will play with daddy a bit but on the whole he wants to play with me, he will only have me change him, feed him, put him to nap/bed and bath him. He pushes daddy away saying no and crying if daddy tries to do anything for him, like put a sock or shoe on, and if daddy tries to take him upstairs for change or nap/bed he will absolutely scream the place down. He will also not let daddy get him out of his cot in the morning. It is an absolute nightmare that I don't know what to do about. Yesterday hubby tried to put him to bed (as I really needed a break) and Jamie just screamed himself into a right state that I just had to intervene. Daddy was saying he might as well be invisible and I could tell it is really starting to get to him. I understand his frustration but I don't know how to make it better. Jamie is fine with him when i'm not there so I don't know what else to do.

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JimmyCorkhill · 20/10/2014 19:04

This is normal and will pass. My DH was really upset at the time too. The thing that worked for us was doing stuff together so DD1 had me but Daddy wasn't left out. It was pretty crap for DH but he's the adult and just had to suck it up until the phase passed. DD1's (and your son's) needs are more important. It will be about your son's need for reassurance/security. He's not doing it intentionally to annoy your DH and he doesn't dislike him either. he just, for whatever reason, wants his mum at the moment. It will pass

LittleBearPad · 20/10/2014 19:08

Been there, still am some days, only the other way round DH is definitely DD's hero and on many occasions I'm tolerated. It will pass.

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2014 19:10

What happens at weekends?
Does he get to spend any actual length of time alone with him?
I'd recommend more daddy one on one time.
I would also possibly not intervene. But some peolpe might say I was a mean mummy.
You DH is going to have to try and not let it affect him and the relationship long term. It's just a phase, or it will be unless you let it become a much bigger issue than it needs to be.

ipswichwitch · 20/10/2014 19:12

It's normal. This was DS1, always wanting me, only I could settle him for bed, etc. Then suddenly he was all for daddy, "Daddy do this", "Daddy read story", and so on, and he started getting upset when I had to put him to bed.

It's all swings and roundabouts when they're so little - he's 3 now and is quite happy with both of us, sometimes asking for one of us in particular to do something with him. DS2 is 10mo and doing pretty much the same as his big brother! We also just kept on doing stuff together and he settled in his own time.

Original poster

MrsOs · 20/10/2014 21:49

On a saturday we go to see nanna and hubby usually stays home and we are gone pretty much most of the day. Sundays we spend together and he has just started taking him swimming (but he asks me to go too to help change him). hubby get anxious about doing anything with jamie alone. He is scared that if jamie plays up he wont know what to do. I think he should have done more with him when he was little. I have always been the one to do pretty much everything with him we go out all the time and for me dealing with his sometimes unruly behaviour is like water off a ducks back. Hubby certainly doesnt have the same confidence which is a huge shame. It has got so bad in hubbys mind that tonight he threatened to leave! I know he wont go but i was shocked to hear him say that. He said that i dont understand and i should feel whats it like in his shoes... I have told him it will pass but he doesnt listen.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 20/10/2014 22:03

Your DH needs to start parenting without you as back-up. I know it's really tough to seem to be second best but he's not really stepping up. Why don't you spend more of Saturday together too?

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2014 22:21

He definitely needs more time with him by himself. He'll never have any confidence if he never has to do it.
You need to go out by yourself. Leave him to it. Go and visit a friend, go to the shops or what ever you fancy.
My girls turn into daddy's girls after just 24 hrs of me not being there. They are 4 and nearly 2.
He really needs to do something about it if it's bothering him so much.
And it's a bit childish to threaten to leave.
The only person who can fix this is him. But you have to let him.

Aherdofmims · 21/10/2014 08:39

I think best thing is to not intervene and leave daddy to it. However I have not practised what I preach re this and dd is only just beginning to ask for daddy now she is nearly 6 and can appreciate doing fun things.

I think if you can agree a completely uniform way of doing things, involving compromise if necessary, this cam help as he may just prefer your way to daddy's.

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