Toddler's Excessive Crying

[Madie]

Hi, can anyone help with suggestions for my 18month old ? When she wants to attract attention or ask for something or gets frustrated with a toy, she starts to cry first. She sleeps and eats really well and her speech is very good for her age (she can say 50+ words already). She just seems to want a 100% attention from me or my husband - or anyone else and the moment we switch our attention away from her - she starts to cry/whimper/moan etc. It often drives us mad as it can be impossible to do anything else for ourselves sometimes (eg cook, wash up, answer the phone, dress etc). Sometimes it feels like there are days where she crys more than when she was a tiny baby, and when I see other toddlers around her age I am surprised how little they cry in comparison. Other than that, she is otherwise a healthy girl who is very active and sociable with other adults and children.

In a word, no.

I am sorry but I think what you describe is quite normal. If I am not paying 100% attention to my toddler, then pretty much the same thing happens. However she is 3 and I have a 1 year old too. So I can only sympathise not help

I agree with crunchie, it's pretty standard behaviour from a toddler who wants attention to grizzle and whinge, or cry to when frustrated. Since your dd has a good vocabulary already though, all I can suggest is modelling ways she can ask for help, or nice ways to get your attention instead. Teach her "fix" and "help", or "look". We found the words "soon" and "later" invaluable with our dd at around this age! She really seemed to understand that it meant while it wasn't going to happen now, if she waited, it would! It's a frustrating age for both of you...and if it's any consolation, those other toddlers you see who seem to cry less in comparison - if you spent all day with them, I bet you would find they DO cry and grizzle about as much as your dd too! Chin up, it will pass!

Hi Madie - my dd is exactly the same! It has gotten worse over the past month or so. She will play nicely on her own as long as I am in the same room watching her, as soon as I get up to do the cooking/washing she will run to my legs, tug at my jeans, climb onto my shoes and whinge until I have finished. I tend to just ignore her no matter how much it annoys me, just to let her know that she cannot get my attention this way.

Recently it has escalated so that she wants either me or dh to be with her when she goes to sleep, if we are not then she screams and screams, she even wakes up in the middle of the night and starts to scream. If we go in to her she will settle down and is as happy as larry, as soon as we try to sneak out she is up and screaming again.

I've been told that it is a normal phase, part of her growing up and discovering her independance. All you can do is just to go with the flow until it blows over - it usually subsides just when you think that you really cannot take anymore. In a couple of months it will be something else and you will have forgotten all about this. That's the comfort I take anyway!

Great advice Rhubarb, about the "ignoring it"...IME if a child finds a way to get attention (even if it isn't "positive" attention!), they will continue to do it.

I was thinking about you yesterday Madie, after I had logged off, and wondering to myself how you respond to your dd when she cries...? Including if she stumbles or trips up and cries as well as if she is just grizzling and fussing...maybe you could try "under-reacting" or ignoring her and see what happens. (Btw this may initially make it worse for a little while as she tries even harder to get your attention, sorry!) Waiting for a "gap" in the crying before you go to her, spending time with her and praising her when she is playing nicely and not whinging etc...just a few more ideas that sprang to mind yesterday!

My apologies if these are tactics you are already using!

Hi,

It's good to know at least that I am not the only one. She's been like this since she was 10 months - I guess really the time since she has been walking. Alhtough she was even quite demanding as a baby too.

It can be quite hard to ignore her crying but I do see your point. I think inadvertantly whenever she starts off on one, either me or my DH stop what we are doing and see to her immediately and I reckon she has just learnt this is the only way to get our attention. Like Rhubarb's dd - my dd can actually play nicely on her own - just as long as someone is in the same room. If she is left on her own, she comes and follows us ! In that way she is very clingy - yet when I take her out she is perfectly at home with strangers and other kids - not in the least bit shy or clingy.

I guess I just wondered as when I see other toddlers around her age they seem much quieter or less demanding for their parents attention in comparison.

Hopefully this phase won't last for ages as I've said she's been like this since 10 months, and as patient as we are - it can be quite testing - esp if you've had a bad day or are tired!

Madie

DS (2.5) is really driving me nuts. He is an angel with his childminder but as soon as I collect him he starts a cycle of tantrums which continue until bedtime. I do really try to ignore this behaviour and give him loads of attention when he's being good, but it's so tiring to listen to his constant crying.Like Rhubarb's child he insists on being in the same room as me and is becoming increasingly bossy. I used to race home from work to spend as much time with him as possible, now I'm finding it more pleasurable to spend my time with the teenagers I teach! I don't think it's separation anxiety as we really do try to spend a lot of time with him. Do any of you have any useful discipline stragies apart from ignoring bad behaviour/tantrums?Please tell me the tantrums will pass and he'll be as charming with me and dh as he is with everyone else!

pluto, do the tantrums happen just when you pick him up from the child minder or at weekends too?. my DD (aged 2.75)is sometimes like this when I pick her up from nursery. Most of the time shes tired and Im tired I get stressed because Im tired , She picks up on it and gets insecure and clingy. During my days off its not such a problem.Ive recently changed jobs and Im more relaxed when we get home we just relax have drink and a snack and watch a video ( normally toy story)for a while she'll eventually get bored and go off and play thats when I start tidying and cookin etc. She doesnt cry as much as she used to or maybe she's just growing out of it.

Pluto, how long has this been happening? I find that my son (18 mo.), who normally never cries, does the clinging/crying thing for a few days before coming down with a cold. I think it's the baby boy equivalent of "I think i'm coming down with a cold and I'm male so you have to give me lots of attention" I too work full time and although he does this for me, he doesn't for the childminder. Again, a bit like my husband who saves up all his moaning for me at the end of the day. Good luck.

Is it a combination of tiredness at the end of the day, and separation anxiety? When my children were with a childminder, they wouldn't let me out of their sight when we got home. If I went upstairs, they would follow me. They certainly went through a phase of crying a lot in the evenings, it was when the day was horrendously long, and the poor mites were just exhausted. I quit the job!

It probably is related to tiredness, he is worse in the afternoon - but cries at the weekend too. I'm sure he's regressing - he wants to watch Teletubbies all the time! I suppose it is normal for a two year old to cry and attention seek but I just want my lovely little boy back to normal! Off to see those charming teenagers now!

Hi Pluto, maybe your ds is just "letting off steam" in the only way he really knows how? After a whole day of behaving for the carers, he feels safe losing control with you, since he knows you love him and won't walk out on him. An adult can let off steam at the end of a busy day with a sit down and/or coffee, drink, cigarette or chat with a partner. Toddlers don't have those options!

Also his struggle for independence as a typical 2 year old is with you as his parent, not with his carer. So he saves his tantrums and so on for the one(s) he's trying to stake out his territory with! Plus at the end of the day he is tired (and so are you), and probably hungry too. So it's optimum tantrum-time. Maybe it started as an attention-seeking thing and become a sort of a habit; his way of saying, "This is what you get for leaving me!" Kids are experts at psychological "revenge" and guilt-trips, and know just how to get you where it hurts! I still remember when dh brought dd into hospital to visit after I had been there for almost a week with threatened early labour during my pregnancy with ds. She was almost 2 and a half then. I was so looking forward to seeing her and giving her a big kiss and cuddle - she wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me! It really hurt - and she knew it would, too.

I think trudles idea of having some relaxing quiet time together when you get home (and talking/singing on the way home - with a snack for him if feasible) might be worth a try if you haven't already. Also maybe try distracting him initially when he cries (before it gets to fever pitch!) with something you know he likes, an activity, video, book or snack, rather than ignoring him. Then if the crying/whinging continues try using a warning followed by time-out (just two minutes). Good luck! Keep us posted!

Hi Pluto, I'm sure he'll grow out of it - my oldest one did. For him, tantrums were a way of letting off stream with good old long suffering mummy at the end of a tiring day.

My 2.7 months old toddler has crying fits whether I have been with him all day or not. IMO it is mostly to do with tiredness. He's growing out of day naps, but hasn't got enough stamina to last the distance till bed. I often wonder if this is at the root of the problem with the terrible twos and even threes?

Not much help for now. The only suggestion I have is to look at your evening and bedtime routine. Can you cut corners? the less you have to rush around and consequently rush your son around, the more relaxed you can be. Some of the happiest evenings with my toddler son involve a video on TV, bits of ham and bread and butter for supper and the briefest of baths.