please can someone advise me. re biting

[pullingmyhairout2]

Hi, new on here. Hoping that some wise people can help me.

My son has just turned four in august and has started full time at school. In general he loves it, is keen to go in etc. But he has bitten one child in particular four times now. Today its come to a head because the other child's family waited for us to come out of school. They haven't said anything directly to us but where making remarks as we walked past.

What can I do to stop him biting this child? I've done star charts for being good at school, I've spoken to him about how it hurts the other child. I've done nicey nicey approach and explained its not acceptable. I've taken toys away. He's missed out on treats etc.

I'm at a complete loss as to where to go from here.
His teacher believes the other child is aggravating him in some way but doesn't know how. The first three times it has happened have been while out to play in the playground and nobody has seen what has happened to lead up to him biting. Today it happened in class and still nobody has seen it happening.

The teacher has said they are trying to keep them apart but that they seem drawn to each other.

I kind of feel that I've done everything that I can do from home. He is a really loving boy at home and apart from the odd squabble with his sister, we don't really have any behaviour problems with him.

Anyone been through anything like this that could give me some advice?

Hmm it does seem excessive for a child with no additional needs. You ask what you can do...but really, you're doing or have done all you can I think.

The teacher needs badly to sort this out....I think I would consider asking DS to make a card to apologise to the other child...and giving it to him.

Have you asked DS what this other child is doing if he IS doing anything to aggravate him?

Hi claphands, thanks for replying.

The first few times its happened he has said this boy has been chasing him and pushing him over in the mud. He has come home with mud on his uniform so this could well be the case.
Yesterday he told me this boy was saying he was going to pop his brains out and was hitting his head with a stick!

He is a very immature 4 and we had a few issues with him at nursery about his behaviour. But there was never any biting involved. Mainly not wanting to share and getting frustrated.
He had a speech delay but he has pretty much caught up now. The speech therapist saw him once and said there wasn't anything she was overly concerned about. His understanding was fine.

Because of the aggressive tones from the parents, I have to take my children in through the front today and collect them early until a plan is put in action. Think I will have to speak to ht as every time this has happened nobody has seen what is happening in the run up.

The card sounds like a great idea but Im not sure the parents will appreciate it? The one thing we seem to agree on is that the children need to be kept apart but the school has Two foundation classes which are in one room so they always mix.

Who told you to take your son in the front entrance? Don't start that. You need to go in the ordinary way...don't hide.

Make an appointment to discuss the fact that from what your son says, he is being bullied. Explain that you feel that this other boy is targeting your son....you are your son's only advocate...his protector...you must believe what he says unless evidence to the contrary is presented to you...so if the teacher were to tell you she saw your son bite the boy in an unprovoked attack...then that would be evidence to the contrary.

As it is, nobody has seen anything....insist that the boys are both warned about violence....and tell DS that next time this boy hurts him, he is to call out in a loud voice "NO! DON'T HURT ME!" as this will serve two purposes...one...it will stop the boy...two...it will draw attention from adults.

Practice this...you be the other boy...say something mean...then see what your son does...help him to learn an appropriate response...so if the boy threatens him he is NOT to hurt him but to walk away and tell a playtime assistant.x Act it out with him.

Hi. Thank you for replying.

My sons teacher suggested that I take them through the front today because I was worried about what the parents would do. I'm a wimp! And the parents aren't really the reasoning type.

We where with his teacher for a good 15mins yesterday after school so everyone else had gone. The only people left where the other boys parent and a friend of theirs. It was quite an unpleasant feeling knowing that they where waiting for us. They where quite aggressive but without approaching us.
I understand them being angry, I would feel the same if the same child kept biting mine time and again.

I've requested a call from the head. I'm hoping it will be today as I really need to sort this out asap.

My initial advice to him was that he walks away and tells an adult if the boy was hurting him or doing anything he didn't like. And he quotes that to his teacher after but doesn't follow it through at the time. So he knows what he should do but for some reason he's not.
I will definitely follow your advice about role playing, that might sink in for him easier than me waffling!

I had asked that someone watch him at playtimes so that we can get to the bottom of it, but so far that doesn't seem to have happened. I feel that unless I know what's happening to start him off that I can't really reason with him properly, just in general.

Is there a buddy system? Older children play with the reception kids at my DDs school....it helps a lot.

Get strong on them...wait to speak to the teacher again today...ask her what happened today if anything. Ask daily if needed until it is settled.

DO NOT use the front entrance. People who try to intimidate will feel stronger if they think they have scared you.

Try to leave in a crowd....hard when you want to see the teacher I know....just try to grab the teacher by the door and ask "Any problems today?"

DO NOT be pushed to using another exit....that was wrong of the teacher I think to suggest that as an anwer to parents intimidating others.

As far as I know there used to be a buddy system. My daughter was very much in love with a year 6 who used to be out on her playground last year! But they seem to have stopped it halfway through the year for some reason.

I know by hiding I'm making it worse for myself, I'm just in such a state over this I'm just not sure I can handle confrontation today.

Its taken quite a while for me to integrate into the school ways and all the clicky groups as I'm quite introverted. Finally felt that actually people do want to talk to me, that I just have to push myself a bit and make the effort. So this has put me back one giant leap.

I did ask his teacher to reassure the parents that I'm truly doing all I can to make this stop. She said she would call them over for a chat this morning. I'm really hoping that's not going to make the situation worse!

Listen....the parents of the other boy aren't thinking about this all day. They're just not....you march in there today, in the MAIN entrance and get your son....ask the teacher quickly "How was he today?" and her face will let you know immedately.

If you're starting to mix in a bit, then try to find someone you like to stand with straight away...just march on over and say hi...don;t make any eye contact with the other parents of the little boy...and if they're waiting for you or talking about you, engage in LOUD conversation with your son as you pass them.
"What shall we do tonight? Shall we watch a DVD? What do you want for tea?" just blab on to him in a loud voice so they know you're not hearing their words.

Come back later and tell me how you went...I totally understand the anxiety...it's awful but it will pass...and half term is SOON!

Don't think I've ever been so keen on the idea of half term my whole life!

Thank you soo much. You've really helped me today and I don't think I can really thank you enough for making me feel I'm not a bad mummy.x

Oh no you're not bad at all! It's just your son is very small....they all have their little humps and bumps to get over in infants. It will calm down though I promise. I will check later to see if he's had a good day....I bet he will have. x

Hi, collected him through the front as arrangements had been made. I know I know. Promise on Monday I'm putting my bravado face on!

So, he's been a good boy today. Has been persuaded to play with a very nice boy that he gets on well with today.

His teacher has spoken to the mum again to reassure her that I'm doing all I can at home. Apparently she's fine with it all, but she had said that yesterday before giving us a mouthful so who knows.

Head teacher didn't ring so am really no further forward. But feeling really pleased that he's behaved today. At least its something to work with.

All good....encourage that friendship...maybe invite the little boy over to play one day after school?

Definitely use the main entrance on Monday and don't engage with the other parent. I'm really surprised the school encouraged you not to....does that family have older kids in the school? Maybe the Head Teacher knows what they're like already due to previous clashes?

That's very possible. They seem to wait at the gates and i know one of the friends have definately got older children so I've often wondered if they may be banned from school grounds as you never see them on the playground!

Will encourage that friendship. He was supposed to be going round to play a few weeks ago but because he bit the boy that day I told him he couldn't go.
But mum has said that he's welcome anytime. Which is nice as she knows what he's been up too at school.

I've also booked him into karate. Spoke to the instructor about the problems he's having at school and he said it should help learn self discipline. Slightly concerned he may start doing kung fu kicks at this boy instead!

No Karate is excellent for children with self control issues...also excellent for confidence and it's drilled in pretty fast that it's a rather special skill to have and not one to be shared amongst enemies.

Hope he's ok tomorrow....x

Have spoken to his teacher again this morning. And said what are you going to do to stop this. Got looked at like I had three heads!
I've told her that as this is happening at school, that it needs to be dealt with at school. That I will back them 100% with whichever punishment they feel fit, but that for me to punish him 3,4,5 hours after the event isn't being very helpful.

The head teacher rang quite late on Friday. Apparently they where making observations on my son and feel that the other boy really likes mine but doesn't seem to realise when my son has had enough. So there's several things that need working on.

I've asked for my son and the other child to be shadowed this week. I'm not convinced this will happen as I asked for this to happen several weeks ago. But I need to know for sure what is happening in the run up to the biting.

I've done lots of role play with him. Pretending to be the other child and how when he's had enough he needs to use a big voice and say I've had enough, leave me alone please. I've told his teacher this so I'm hoping she will be listening out for those words!

Feel a bit calmer today although still on tenterhooks as to whether he will behave.
I nabbed a fellow mum this morning to walk home with as the parents where at the gates. Nothing was said, so I'm hoping that its all finally going to be resolved.

Claphands; you've been really brilliant. I can't thank you enough for all your advice.

Good stuff! My DD had a similar thing in reception with a little girl who "liked her". Really she wanted to use DD as a crutch and to rely on her totally...it involved her hitting my DD when DD wanted to play with someone else!

It took a while to fix and if DD had been less shy, she might possibly have hit or bitten in retaliation and then the fixing would have been more complex like this is for you.

As it was, the teachers only saw DDs tormentor hitting or pushing her and so they could deal with it easier.

I'm glad you asked them what they were going to do about it! It's their issue while it;s happening and yours only once he gets home...of course you are doing all you can and they need to too.x I know how worrying all this is but I used to think about how probably half or more of the class is having some issue or other in reception at any one time!

Ahh your poor DD. Glad they sorted it.

I've had a really easy ride with my DD. She is an angel at school. So this has all been quite a shock!

His teacher was saying that she would have another chat with senco. Think senco will probably ask the same as I have. What is happening in the run up to him biting. Unless they can answer that question I can't see it being completely resolved.
Seems that a lot of parents have had/got issues with this other child. Wish my boy could just stay right away!