Teenagers!!! Help!!!

[Booville3]

Brief summary - 13yr old ds (y9 at school 14 in April), we've always considered ourselves to be so lucky with ds1, he is a bright boy who has always done his homework to a good standard, handed it in on time & has generally been deemed a good student & member of the class. Since starting back in September he has already now had 4 detentions - more than in his whole school life so far - one for being late for school twice in the same week, the others for either not doing his homework or what he has done is terrible! Phone call home from teacher yesterday voicing concerns about his current demeanour!

Is this really just an age thing? He is a nightmare at home now as we've said were going to limit his tv & play station time until the school work is fully back on track, he has an answer for everything - everything at school is just so boring, homework is teachers trying to bully kids apparently & ruin their lives!

Nothing I say seems to get through to him, I want there to be some reason for his dramatic change in behaviour but he says no problems with other kids etc! Starting to feel out of my depth with how to tackle him & nip it all in the bud?

Any advice would be so grateful??

Boo I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say my DS is 13 and in Y9 - he has really changed this year, poor attitude, slap dash homework, leaves pe bag out in the rain (moans at me that I didn't dry it immediately) grumpy at home, completely self centred, also developed a sweet tooth (obsessed with eating rubbish)and he was a model child, honestly we've never had a moments worry until now. I think that's what makes this transformation so hard.

I don't know what to do, all I know is I am mourning the loss of my sweet little lad

Oh dear thanks for the reply, I'm at a total loss as none of my approaches have worked with him, if it's just hormones & we will come out the other side of it maybe I can cope but how long will it last & will he totally mess his school work up & have some really tough years trying to get it all back on track in the meantime!! I was mortified a teacher contacting home about his behaviour!

Just to say that my 14 yo sd has really had a breakthrough at school since he did his options, he's year 10. After dropping the least liked subjects he's noticeably happier about school and , knowing how important years 10 and 11 are, he's really knuckled down. There is hope

Ds not sd

Thanks so much for that some hope is what I need! I know people go through far worse than this, we have two much younger ds's & he has always loved them but it would appear he can't stand them either at the min! I keep thinking is it lack of attention & therefore negative attention is better than none but then I think I'm just making excuses for him & he is just being a selfish nightmare! The atmosphere in the house has been shocking - here's hoping to a better week next week! Just don't know what to say to him/ do to get him back on track!

No advice but sympathy from another mother with a Y9 DS. .

My only consolation is that he is polite and well mannered when he is away from DH and I (not necessarily at school though ) - other parents/friends often comment to me on his behaviour ....... but home life can be horrible and yes, I've had the calls from school .

I think testosterone increases by something like 500% within a couple of months at that age, so you can understand them being a bit off!! I would maintain very clear boundaries, insist on half an hour homework time done in front if you and keep reassuring them you love them! Do they do any hobbies like fishing, martial arts, football etc?

From someone who has been through is and works with teens - not teacher and by no means an expert.

First thought is sleep. Teens need sleep. There is no way of getting round this. Make sure he has nothing electronic in his bedroom to keep him awake. Make sure he isnt sneaking things into his room. Does he share a room? If so, there comes a time when they need their own privacy.

Boundaries - if you havent had much trouble with him up to now, I imagine boundaries have been quite informal. Set them out and above all stick to them. Make sure he knows what the boundaries are, what the sanctions are for breaking them and rewards for sticking to them. Possibly something connected to his school work / report. The reward needs to be negotiated with him so that its meaningful. When he breaks them, remain calm no matter how much he rants and raves. Its about teaching him about the consequences of his actions.

Peer pressure - check with school on this one. If he is in with the wrong crowd then start looking round for something which he wants to do in the evening, give him the opportunity to have a group of mates outside of the school setting. This way if it all goes wrong in the future, he wont be completely isolated.

Diet - realise that you can only control what he eats when he is at home. Keep up with healthy eating when you can but tell him that there is only 1 meal choice a day and you will not be cooking different stuff for him so he either eats it or goes hungry.

Worth reading two books that are amusing, reassuring and practical. The first is 'he'll be ok' by Celia Lashlie and the other is 'Get out of my life - but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?'- by Anthony Wolf.

Both v good at helping those of us going through the teen tunnel. I have three and only just beginning to see the light with the eldest (18) whilst the youngest (14) is well and truly entering....

It's hard, hard work but they need strong boundaries to kick against and to know that no matter how awful their behaviour, they are still loved - even if not liked very much sometimes!

Our head talks about '15-year-old-itis' which hits boys particularly from the age of 14 onwards....

Good luck!

Interesting thank you will certainly hunt down those books! Got in from work tonight to ds as grumpy as ever, refusing to walk down to the local fair (it visits here every October) with his dad & little brothers as he hates fairs apparently - he has always loved it in previous years??

Yes boundaries have been lenient until now as never had to set them particularly, he has always come in at given times, always answered his phone to me, done his school work to a good standard!!! They are being put into place more now as it is the situation he has forced upon us all! These play stations have a lot to answer for I think that is all he cares about! He does go kickboxing twice a week but didn't want to up it to three times when the option became available!