Feel like total failure over toddler who won't eat

[jeneregretrien]

I have 5 children - four from my first marriage - now 18, 17, 14 and 13 - and a 2 year old from my now marriage. When we had a baby, I was desperate to avoid fussy eating, which I had with 2 of my older children - the tears, the battles, the stress and worry. But I've ended up with the most fussy difficult eater of all of them. I am so stressed out by it. I think it's my fault - when we weaned him I was so busy and tired (I'm mid forties and work part time) that I dived on Ella's pouches with relief. He loved them. Whenever I tried to introduce the lumpier ones, he gagged and refused to eat them, so we went back to the smooth ones. He was happy, growing, healthy. I know the books all say eat together as a family but I just can't do it. We eat at 8 pm with the older kids - I get DS to bed at 7 pm and then cook dinner. The older kids don't want to eat at 6 pm and often aren't even home then, and there's no way I'm keeping DS up to 9 pm - aaaggghhh. So he was eating Ella's pouches, yogurts, toast and chips. That's it. Flatly refuses to try anything else. Then he got sick for a few days (virus) and since then, won't touch the pouches at all, so we're down to toast and the odd yogurt. So stressed, feel I'm so crap at all this. Help anyone?

Oh, I don't think you've done this. My dc2 had a lot of pouches as we were moving house, ill health etc and she eats fine. (That isn't meant to be smug, just don't beat yourself up, all children are different, and it's luck of the draw more than anything)

I would say the virus has knocked out his appetite, so just try and relax, hold your nerve and it will come back. Make sure he is well before you worry about the fussiness, nothing underlying.

Feed him what he will eat. Then, just take it slowly with introducing new foods. A couple of fingers of soft fruit or veg, different things spread on the toast. Try not to make yourself stressed and also try not to comment on whether he eats something or not. Don't make it into a thing, as hard as it is not to. Few bits on his plate, something he likes, something different, take it away when he's done, even if he's eaten nothing, and one day he might surprise you.

Another thing is, some children will have textures or tastes they just can't get on with, a little fussiness is normal I think.

You're not a failure. 5 kids! Have a little faith in yourself

I had exactly the same problem with DD. She wouldnt touch anything other than those Ellas pouches and yogurt. I'm in agreement with PP that I dont think its anything you have caused so i really wouldnt beat yourself up about it.

I think it was mostly texture with DD, even by 2/3yo there was very little she would eat that wasnt soft vegetable and i would stress about it constantly. The best advice I was given by a friend was just to remember that they won't let themselves starve- its pretty much impossible. If they are hungry enough, they will eat! This gave me the willpower to stick with making small changes to her diet knowing that if the plate was still full at the end, she would be fine. I started incorporating the same tastes but solids into the mix, for example i seem to recall the yellow pouch, possibly the sweetcorn one(?) which i used as a sauce for very well done macaroni. Slowly but surely it started working. Dd is now just turned 4 and had chicken for the first time a couple of months ago. I started with a very sweet korma sauce and very tender chicken, it took her a couple of meals but before long she started asking for her special chicken. I then started to put the chicken in other things i knew were already on her list of go-to foods, and she eats it almost every time now.

Another tip i discovered was to get her involved in preparing her food and pretend the food was something else. She now will almost always try something new if she has chopped it. I particularly remember making a pot of mince and potatoes, she promptly said the minced beef in gravy was "fairy poo" and we added some carrots and laughed all the way through dinner. I still call mince fairy poo and she eats it in spag bol and mild chilli now. Oh dear i've just realise what a strange daughter i must have haha.

The main thing is to remember that 1) they wont starve, and 2) they will probably grow out of this. So try what you can, dont feel bad if you are constantly throwing full plates in the bin, and try new things at lunchtime (if not poss due to work try weekends so if they eat nothing at lunch they can have a dinner you know they like). Good luck Xx

It can take 7-8 tries before babies will accept new foods. You can try for example mixing in new things to already established things, this can help them develop taste for new things. Obvs this is easier if it's homemade.

Do they do finger foods? This is something to try.

Mine went through a phase of only eating when other people eat too or only eating things off 'my plate'

And only eating if they had a toy.

And refusing to eat when wearing an all over jacket rather than a bib (and vice versa).

Those ella things aren't bad, but they do have more sugar and salt n flavour enhancers etc than the things you make yourself (most of the time) so it might take a bit of training to get back to homemade.

My dd was fed a lot on all sorts of pouches and she'll eat anything - she controls other things, some kids control over food - I agree with the other advice about keeping trying and really not blaming yourself at all.

Firstly, he's healthy and growing so this is an inconvenience not a diisaster. The more you appear stressed the more he will be anxious about food so just let it go. This isn't your 'fault' and all you can do to chang eit is wait really.
Continue to offer a variety of novel and familiar foods and have someone else eating at the same time as much as possible. Even if you don't want dinner with him, maybe . It's all you can do and in time it will work. What about your youngest three having a five minute breakfast together? What about weekend lunches? Does he have time with other children at a nursery of childminder's? Sometimes children who exhibit control with food at home are more relaxed about it in a group environment.

Don't blame yourself!

The stomach upset will knock him back a bit. Don't stress and give him stuff he is happy with for a few days.

I'd recommend giving things you know he will eat alongside new finger foods/normal food. Maybe save a spoonful from the meal with your older children to serve the next day for your toddler.

My DD had problems with eating due to an upper lip tie but after it was revised she really cracked eating. She'll eat almost anything now at 2.5 but it was only a few weeks ago that she actually cleared her plate for the first time.

Stuff she liked when weaning was breadsticks, rice cakes (anything which disintegrates), Greek yoghurt, cucumber sticks, green beans to munch on etc.

She also loves eating anything we have grown in the garden or that she has helped to cook.

Good luck

Can you sit down and have breakfast with him and meals at the weekend?

Weekdays the easiest thing in the long term would be to cook one meal in a slow cooker (or what ever) and serve it to everyone. Or cook a meal for the big ones and give DS left overs the day after.

While hes not eating the pouches anyway, throw them all out and introduce a bit of variety in a relaxed manner. So toast with beans, toast with poached egg, greek yogurt with berries and honey, greek yogurt with musli and honey. If he doesn't eat, don't make a fuss. Accept thats his choice and concentrate on things other then food.

I felt the same way when my DS was about 18 months. We had a stomach bug but he got over it much quicker than me and DH so we gave him ellas pouches etc... for dinner as we weren't cooking for ourselves. He then refused to eat home cooked food (although did eat home cooked at nursery) and started refusing fruit too which he loved before.
It was so hard not to get stressed and I admit to shouting, getting upset etc... and trying a million ways to get him to eat. In the end it didn't help so now I just offer him the same as us, some days he'll eat it and other days he'll it a part of it and some days he'll refuae point blank even if its something he ate a few days ago. We just go with the flow and allow cereal or something so that he isn't hungry (prob get flamed by the 'don't offer an alternative' people but honestly I tried that approach and had a hungry grumpy toddler and he still wouldn't eat).
They do get over it -he is trying things again now and there are certain meals I know he'll eat so make those fairly regularly. My sister went through a corn flakes only phase and then a pasta and cheese only phase and is now in her 20's with a degree, masters, boyfriend and eats pretty much everything!
Its really not your fault. xx

It sounds similar to our 2 year old a few months ago. I had given her a wide variety of food since weaning, she ate with us, wasn't forced to eat anything she didn't want to, and yet she was still so fussy. Then, suddenly, she turned it around all by herself and now eats lots of things in varying quantities. The only thing I did was to stop stressing about it. I think my anxiety was making her anxious as well. She has had a virus recently too, and went back to toast and yoghurt for a few days. i think they are much better at listening to what their bodies need than we are.