Desperate for help with my 6 year old boy

[ccj2011]

I don't know what to do with my 6 year old little boy. He has always been a very demanding child from the very start! He has become increasingly aggressive and angry and is unable to control his temper at home. His behaviour is taking its toll on all the family now. Weekends are one long scream, shout and tears. If he doesn't get his own way he lashes out, screams and totally looses his temper. I dread to think what the neighbours think!

I have tried many different tacts, remaining calm, getting angry, shouting back, taking away toys, you name it. He is particularly bad with me and my relationship with him is really beginning to suffer. I dread him coming home from school or back from some time out as I know this little volcano is going to explode in the house. I also have a 3 year old boy who is very calm in comparison and we are very close. Not to say that he doesn't have his moments but they are somehow more manageable.

When I talk to his teachers they look amazed. Apparently he doesn't show any aggressive signs at school... I am at a loss.

Help, please!! Do you think there could be something wrong? What am I doing wrong. I need to make this better before it destroys us all. He's been like this all his little life and although I love him, I don't really like him. (sorry, realise how awful that sounds.)

Any advice?? Should I seek help elsewhere? Could this be a sign of a deeper problem? I am miserable.

Thanks

I feel your pain, my son is like that, except that he can be also explosive at school. The fact your son is able to control himself at other settings is good sign: he is able to behave when it is really necessary. In a way it is reassuring that he trusts that you love him, as he choses to have battles mostly with you.
I recommend you read Parenting your Powerful Child. This book changed our family. I can now see that I handled my son's outburst the wrong way, getting drawn his struggles for power and fuelling the problem. I got the audio version of it and I found useful to listen to it often as a reminder of what I need to do.

I am guessing you son is like my: the first born, intelligent and strong-willed. My son gets frustrated that at school he needs to do as told so when he gets home and tries to control and have his way with me and his younger sister. Kids are very skilled on how to push us over the edge! My son has sensory processing disorder which makes him a walking "ticking bomb". But even with this special needs (which I am not suggesting your son has!), this booked help me draw very clear expectations for him and so help him to function better. All the drama, which is also very draining for them, is gone.

I also felt pretty desperate at times, mostly I felt like a terrible mother because I couldn't handle my DS. But he is now almost 7 and has changed in so many ways. He is still forceful and strong-willed but is calmer and happier now. Hang in there, it will get better!

I'll join your club with Ds1. He's 4 and just started reception. We've had 3/4 incidents of hitting other children followed today by hitting a teacher while they intervened in an incident between him and another boy.

I'm thoroughly ashamed of him and at a loss as to what to do.

I obviously told him off, sent him to his room, eventually brought him down and gave him a really good talking too. I sat with pens and paper and he made a sorry card. I also tried to draw pictures of what happened with him and who was happy/sad and why. He seemed to open up a little by doing that. I talked about thinking before he acts, walking away, told him things to say rather than lash out.

I've also done a reward chart and obviously he got the standard no TV and not playing with his train set etc.

At home he's a handful but not violent but then on reflection I can read him like a book and nip things in the bud before they escalate. He is more difficult with DH.

Sorry I'm not much help but will be watching the thread for anything that could help.

Sometimes children can be put under strain at school but show no sign of it there (not to the untrained eye anyway and teachers have no training in this kind of things). They bottle it all up and explode at home. It is actually a sign that they feel safe at home and not that the parent can not manage the child: so a compliment to your parenting. The strain can come from various sources . It is difficult to know what is causing your DS behaviour without more details but one thing is for sure, if you have tried a lot of technique and feel like you need help, then i would seek help.

Sounds like school is hard work and tiring so he lets it all out at home where he is more relaxed. Particularly if he's not being directed in a formal activity but left to his own devices. Stick to reassuring routines and early bedtimes with lots of hugs as he sounds like he may just be very tired. Maybe ask him to pick an activity (from your choice of 2) he wants to do with you when he comes home but keep it something quiet/not too taxing mentally, so he doesn't get frustrated esp if he's already tired. Its hard being an older child as parents are often busy with younger ones but maybe he needs to not be left to his own devices too much (thats when kids have opportunity to start fighting with siblings or doing something they shouldn't!) & have a more structured activity he can do with you or with the whole family. Games/crafts/storytime?

I could have written your post 3 years ago.
In our case ds is now being assessed for asd. I'm not saying that is the case for you at all, but it might be worth taking a step back to work out triggers, see if you can do something to give him the chance to calm down after school.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. Some children take far more parenting than others!
Ds2 is 9 and takes far, far more parenting and supervision than my 3 yr old.

There is a book called The Explosive Child which might be worth taking a look at.

Thank you so so much for all your messages. It is so reassuring to hear that you are not alone. I do feel like a terrible mother most of the time. I guess motherhood and guilt come hand in hand.

I will definitely have a look at the books you have suggested. These sound like a great recommendation. I think I need to take a direction and stick with it. I have a temper too so, ironically, I do sympathise with him but we need to find a way to make this better as we are all so tired and fed up.

You are right, I do think he is tired. He literally runs up and down his room repeatedly (playing games in his head) when we put him to 'bed'. It is very hard to tire him out but wonder if he gets over tired?

He is falling a little behind at school too so maybe he is feeling the pressure - although he never says it to us. However, his behaviour started long before he started school.

I have thought about the possibility of ASD but as his behaviour at school and with other adults is currently good, I don't think it sits with the symptoms... Am I right? I will keep an eye on it though.

Good luck to you all too. I know we can't change who they are but we do need to find a way to live together! I guess these feisty little people will hopefully grow up full of confidence and strength (or in jail ;-))

Thanks so much again and any further ideas/tips would be appreciated.

Another who could have written your post.

5yo DS has recently been diagnosed with ASD. Not suggesting your son has this - but yes, it is pretty common for them to be able to hold it together at school and then meltdown at home.

I would say don't double-up on the discipline - so let them discipline at school for things that happen at school. At home you could try to have a calm conversation about what happened and what DS was thinking about at the time (this can be a very powerful question for understanding what they were feeling - but remember to ask about "thinking").

We have had some modest improvements with The Explosive Child technique - but it's not a quick fix. This is life for us now.

We have found that timers and visual prompts help with focus at home. Watch out for triggers, e.g. transitions and following adult instructions are hard for DS. Specific problems are brushing teeth. He needs help to get through the morning routine in time for school - we find that having TV time at the end if he's dressed and ready is a good motivator for him. But having the visual prompt for the routine (we use photo cards that we made for him, tagged together so we/he flip through them) and we've just got a time tracker.

How are the basics?

Does he sleep enough? (11 hours a night)

Does he eat well? Lots if sugary food?

Is his home life calm, does hd have a routine?

Does he get enough exercise (at least an hour a day)?

Is he on consoles a lot?

All these things affect kids' behaviour.

Good points from Chandon.

We find it makes a big difference if we limit screen time, especially computer time (cbeebies website games) to no more than half an hour at a time.

That must be really tough to handle day in day out- kids are exhausting at the best of times let alone when their behaviour is difficult! My firstborn is what I would call 'strong willed' - hes not actually that bad but we did go through some tough patches and I bought the book Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child. It is a bit american but I found it VERY useful. It talks about how every family does a 'dance' so kind of how an arguement/tantrum escalates from something to shouting/out of control and how you can take steps to stop that pattern repeating itself, and also ways of being very clear and saying what you mean- and following with a consequence/action etc.

www.amazon.co.uk/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

My DS is now in year 1 at school and has become much more pleasant to be around and less aggressive. I still have to tell him to talk and not 'use his hands' as he tends to hit back if hit by his brother but we're getting there. We had a few months in foundation when he started school where he was hitting other kids or pulling the girls ponytails -but I think it was more of him running past and doing it- it was like he didn't know how to talk to them so he'd do that instead. A bit of emotional immaturity? The first year of school is tough- a steep learning curve and lots to take in and lots of changes. Like Chandon mentioned- making sure he's not eating processed/sugary foods, getting adequate sleep and has a structured routine might help him to become more calm, and for you -the book I mentioned will help you to manage your reactions to him when he is lashing out. Good luck- hope you get some positive results soon!

oops sorry- just seen there that you said he's 6. Well he's a bit older than my son then- but what I said above still applies. My tactic when either kid explodes or can't control themselves is to tell them to go to their room to calm down. Some kids love any attention including negative attention (my 3 yo does this at the moment as I've got a 9 month old and he feels a bit left out I think). Keep doing what you're doing in terms of staying calm when he explodes, react as little as possible and try and spend some time one to one with him doing something fun (easier said than done I know!)

Testosterone surge? Might be a red herring but my DS almost 7 is like this at times. All my friends with older boys say their sons went through the same at around this age.
DS seems much calmer here these days so the testosterone surge theory could be right ...

And another who could have written your post. My son is 6 and has always been a handful. Gets very angry and frustrated, and as a baby used to scream blue murder at toddler groups, friends' houses etc. So I've always found him hard to handle. He is absolutely impossible to reason with when he gets in a rage. And I'm ashamed to say it but I find it really embarrassing in public or in the playground because he acts like a 2 year old.

We are under the paediatrician for ASD - not confirmed, under observation. He is extremely well behaved at school because he is a real rules person, and (a) is terrified of doing the wrong thing but also (b) I think feels secure knowing what is allowed. He does have melt-downs at school (though not aggressive, just wailing and tears) especially when out of routine (e.g. sports day, nativity always a nightmare, and if they don't have what he was expecting for school lunch). He's also very literal. The teacher tells them not to faff around taking their jumpers off and going to their pegs - so that's it, he doesn't take his jumper off all summer!

OP, do you think your DS is an anxious child? My son is very anxious but I think shows this by acting up. Things I find help:
(a) Lots and lots of love and affection, even if he's being a pain, and if he's naughty deal with it but follow up with cuddles.
(b) Feeding him quite early after school - hunger definitely exacerbates things. He's a man after all!
(c) As some other posters have said - routines, consistency and also giving him control. E.g. YR and Y1 DS would never do reading, made a huge fuss. So this year (Y2) I made a chart, set the rule he does it 3x a week for 10 mins a time, and if he doesn't he loses his pocket money. It's up to him. He loves it! We set the timer, he knows how often, and it puts HIM in control for getting his pocket money. I am amazed myself how things have changed (and kicking myself for not doing it sooner). OK he should be doing it every night for the love of it, but really, I am just pleased he's doing it.

You said your relationship is especially bad with him. There is a book called 'Lovebombing' which recommends parents take whole weekends one to one with a child and just do whatever the child wants to do, even if that's lie in bed all weekend watching TV. Sounds a bit extreme, but maybe going and doing something he'll enjoy one-on-one with him would help?

You sound like you feel very alone - might be worth having another word with his teachers, or indeed you can ask for help from the School Nurse Team who can offer some of the same assistance as the Health Visitors do for pre-schoolers?

Apologies for the mega-post! Good luck x

Another life changing book recommendation. 'The highly senstivie child' - cant rate it high enough.

That book helped me too.

My DS could not cope with "too much fun", so play barns, birthday parties, loud music, all caused stress in him.

He needed, and needs, a quiet calm life. And socialising 1-2-1 rather than do anything in a big group.

He is much better now, at 12, and copes admirably with the school bus and large comp!

oh yes, and a sandwich and glass of milk straight after school were important too.