Anger management problems 9yo girl.

[Methe]

My Dd is almost ten, generally lovely, very clever daughter has just hit me [sob]

She has always had rages that can be quite frightening. She's incredibly stubborn and has a terrible temper.

I had asked her to sort a pile of clean washing in to person so it could be out away. It was already folded. I was cooking dinner and came in to find that she had thrown it in to piles on the floor, all screwed up. I asked her to fold it again and she started ranting.. It wasn't her, it was her brother, Why should she do it anyway etc etc. This is the only job she gets asked to do.

It was 12 minutes past 6. I said she had until quarter past to do it or she was going to her room... Warned at two minutes that if she went to her room she was having her tea there, warned at one minute, 30 seconds 10, 9,8.. She didn't do anything, she just ranted at me.

I took her too her room.

After 10 minutes of screaming, shouting, slamming the door and stamping her feet so hard the whole house vibrates her dinner was ready and I took it up to her on a tray with a drink and came down stairs. You cannot speak to her when she's on one, I've tried, dh as tried but it is impossible so she goes to her room to calm down. Once the red mist has descended there is no getting though to her. It can go on for hours and she usually loses her voice though shouting.

I came back downstairs and sat at the table to eat but had a soundtrack of her screaming "this isn't what I could call a dinner, it looks disgusting" etc etc. I went and said to her that if she carried on like that it'd go in the bin.

She carried on so I went and got it and threw it in the bin. She had followed me down and wracked me on the back!

This was half an hour ago and she's still ranting and stamping. Dh had to carry her upstairs kicking and screaming. He said she looked like she wanted to hit him too!

We have never hit her though by God I was tempted today.

This has been going on for an hour a quarter now. She's still ranting away at the top of the stairs stamping her feet and shouting about how much she hates us and about how she wants her dinner. Her dinner is in the bin.

I know I need to go to the Dr. I am dreading her teenage years :(

I feel like such a shit Mum!

You are not a shit Mum, you did everything right. Calm, time limits, clear consequences etc.

Is she being challenged enough with school work?

She's apparently wonderful at school and she seems to be happy there. They've increased the class size to 37 I have wondered if she's getting enough attention but tbh this has been a almost weekly occurrence for at least the 3 years so I doubt it's that.

We've tried her writing down what makes her angry, taking to her afterwards, rewarding good behaviour, heading a tantrum off at the start but nothing works.

I would see a GP, yes, but honestly, it's nothing you have done wrt to handling it.
I think the only thing different I would have done is put her dinner to one side as it being in the bin just gave her more reason to extend the anger.

She has to apologise to you for hitting, when she is calm. I believe it can take up to 3 hours for anger like that to properly subside though, so delay any talking to her about it until tomorrow.

I just want to say we have had an almost identical dinner time, and her dinner had gone in the bin. My dd is 11 and she has just been utterly horrific and she has also tried to belt me one. Same as. you, offered consequences, choices, count downs and more..to no avail. She has now gone to bed, with no dinner, though I did give her a banana. We have a lot of other issues going on...so I can explain some if but but it's still utterly draining and awful...and now I've had a huge row about my parenting ability with my BF who was here...so I just want you to know, I've had an identical Friday night...and it's very upsetting xx

Btw...it started with me asking her to wipe the table as she had spilt some curry sauce while messing about....about as unreasonable as your washing request!!

Oh thank you both. It makes me feel loads better to know I'm not the only one! It is very upsetting and makes me feel so anxious. I think a lot of it has got to do with dd having a controlling nature, she has to get the last word.

Derleth I will definitely make a doctors appointment. I've been thinking about it for a while as dd becoming a teenager and having hormones to contend with it terrifying. There also the thought in the back of my mind about what trouble she'll be in :(

Try not to let your mind run away with you to the future if possible. It could just be the stage she's at now and not indicative of how she will behave in the future. If she's bright perhaps she's starting to outgrow primary and is releasing the pressure at home, where it's safe (although the last thing it looks like is 'safe' when they are like that, i know).

You can do a lot with consistent and firm boundaries and sanctions for things that are absolutely unacceptable, like hitting.

She's still going on and is shouting now that she wants a love. This is the way that it happens.. Incredible anger then back down to earth with a huge bump needing cuddles.

I really do not feel like cuddling now. I am so angry she hit me ! Of course the fact that I won't go up there and cuddle her means that she's ranting again.

I would tbh. i know it might look like manipulation and god knows who would feel like dispensing Loves after being hit, but she it's her way of saying sorry, because she can't calm down and actually say 'sorry' in a reasonable way right now.
Tomorrow you can have a talk about what being hit by her means to you. She won't be able to take it in at the moment.

No, you're not alone! We went through a very bad patch between 9/10 the. We've actually been great for a year really...and now she's started secondary...we are back with a vengence. My daughter is disabled....so she is coming to terms with the fact she needs a scribe at school and help at times, BUT a lot of the things she cites are the usual stuff, friendships, not being understood, not being allowed to do stuff etc. I've come down very hard on her. Removed phone for the weekend, no swimming tomorrow and if this continues....she will have to miss her show rehearsals next week.

She is also very controlling, and absolutely has to have the last word. Sorry to hijack your thread. We saw a psych for a while, and we used some nice mindfulness exercises and some other things...writing down words that come in our heads when we are angry, positive things. I found her self esteem was low, so any chance I got I praised her.

Also kids tend to peak in their anger and then it tails off...it's really important not to dive in all angry at that peak moment, or it just escalates....so I ignore ignore until she is calm. She was deliberately provocative this evenings and tries to say as much hurtful stuff in order to provoke me. It's very hard to remain calm. I often go and sit on the loo for five minutes (so I can lock the door) and some deep breathing!

How is she in school? My daughter was and is completely loved in school and saved it all for home...bless her!!!

My DD is similar and is currently being assessed for autism. It looks very different in girls because they hide it better (and all the diagnostic criteria is based on how it presents in boys!)

info

And

here

When DD has attacked me, (and I had calmed down!) I got her to "make amends" by getting her to rub cream into my injuries. I then rubbed cream wherever she "needed" it. It's good for re-bonding.

It's very upsetting, take care of yourself x

I afraid dh had said I had gone out and now she has calmed down a bit and appears to be going to sleep. I will speak to her tomorrow. I wouldn't have been able to talk to her sensibly. This is the first time I've refused to go to her after a tantrum.

School seems fine. She's top of the class according to her teacher and she's a bit of a teachers pet and young in her interests. All her friends seem to be more mature than she and are in to bands etc, dd is very in to imaginative play and creating worlds. To be honest I think kids grow up to quickly nowadays so this isn't something I'm concerned about.

Interesting about autism. I think I am probably on the spectrum somewhere and just about all of those indicators apply to her, and me. I'll look in to that a bit more, thank you for the links rain

Please know you're not alone.

I went to the dr when my oldest had awful (hitting his head off wall) anger tantrums at the same age. GP said 'you're not a terrible mum, he is just questioning life, his place in it etc etc.'

I bought a book (A Volcano in my tummy) and every time he lost it, I calmly told him to go to his room to cool down. Then I said we'd do a bit of the book before he could go on computer or whatever. I kept saying, 'keep the anger rules, it's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hurt...'

He's now 15, (has other problems!) but he can control himself when he gets angry. (which many adults can't).

One other thing, which I realise now he and dd are teenagers - they might be behaving in a way that makes you want to clobber them, but they are reaching out for love.

Good luck.

I was just looking at that book on amazon sticks ( weirdly sticks was dds nickname until she was about 3 and I think I have a sticks username somewhere!)

I will order it :)

The difficulty is, she gets angry (which is perfectly acceptable and normal) but she doesn't know how to express it. Anger can be an overwhelming emotion that completely obliterates your ability to think clearly. She lacks skills to be able to express her feelings. She was trying to tell you how angry she was and she got sent to her room. She still felt angry so the only way she could express this was with the stomping and banging. This was still ignored and the anger was still there so the only thing she could think to do is shout about the dinner.
You did the best you could but I think there is more you could do to help teach her how to calm down and respond to her in a way that calms the situation rather than exacerbates it.

When she is calm, talk to her and try out some different things that she can try tog get rid of her anger. This might be bouncing on a trampoline, running up the garden or up the stairs, stamping on old cardboard boxes, ripping up scrap paper. Let her find something that suits her and she feels expresses her feelings.
When you see she is getting angry, say I can see that you are angry, why don't you try........ (Whatever she has chosen). Then we can have a hug and talk.

Its much less confrontational and will help teach her awareness of her own emotions, ability to express them safely and appropriately, and will allow you to reduce the outbursts in length and severity.

The volcano in my tummy book is well worth getting.

My DD is like this, and she has asperger's. She is much, much worse when she's tired (this week has been difficult!) or hungry, she holds it together in school mostly (thankfully).

Sometimes, things build up internally, and the only way for her to relieve that pressure is to melt down. Once she's done that, it's over, and she moves on quickly. And she is contrite, and apologises afterwards.