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Original poster

Please help

9 replies

andy1878 · 10/10/2014 12:59

Hi
firstly im a dad, my son is 17 , 18 next may.. here's my story in short ...
for most of his life his mum has worked away, staying at hers only occasionally. I have done everything , cooking, school runs, hobbies, football, friends parties etc....maybe i have been too full on. Over the last 3 or so years , hes said i wont let him grow up/made him carry on playing football/pushed too hard , in fact says nothing good about me at all.
Now hes gone to his mums as he obviously can look after himself a lot better, he resents me, he wont really speak or contact me. all contact is from me, i am there to give lifts , but thats it.
I genuinely have tried my best over the years, Is this a phase ? Will he see all ive done is my best? i'm feeling helpless and suicidal at times. Has been at his mums 7 months now. mum has tried to speak to him but he wont listen, i just seem to have been sidelined......any help please xxx

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strawberryshoes · 10/10/2014 13:15

Hi Andy

it is clear how much you love your son, and how much you have put into his upbringing, I am so sorry he is rejecting your contact and causing you hurt.

You know that he is safe and presumably happy where he is, and you still have contact (if only as a taxi service) so i think the best course for you is to give him some time and space without pressure to be in contact because teenagers can be like this.

He probably decided that your parenting was too full on and wanted to assert his new adulthood (as he sees it) and so is pushing you away. A 17 year old boy might not be too good at showing it, but i am sure he loves you and once he has had some time to realise you are treating him like the adult he almost is and respecting his wishes as you would any other adult, he is likely to come back to you somewhat.

He might have some complaints (did he want to quit football?) about how you raised him, but heck, don't we all feel like that a little bit? I suspect there will be no lasting damage to the relationship if you can greet him and treat him like the young man he is when you see him, without pressuring him to give you anything in return.

And on a very serious note, feeling suicidal and helpless is not something to ignore, you should consider seeing your GP to chat about this. If you are suffering with depression there is help out there (meds, to get you out of the black hole, and maybe counselling if you need it to help you change some of your thinking to prevent a relapse). Do make sure you look after yourself.

Nosy67 · 10/10/2014 13:45

he's a normal ungrateful teenager, selfishly playing parents off each other, yes. Blaming parents for every problem in his life, especially the parent who was there most the time? (check).

Please don't be suicidal :(.

You are moving into a new phase, he's virtually an adult. Think about what kind of relationship you want with your young independent-living adult son and you'll have to work together to see how it goes.

Original poster
andy1878 · 10/10/2014 15:28

Thanks so much people

  • strawberryshoes - yeah hesays now he wanted to quit football etc but as a dad, i was thinking about his circle of friends etc probably selfish of me, but no malice at all
thanks for both replies i'm sure people can relate to this , but i do have a lot of guilt , as i have been the parent doing all the disciplining etc, homework, bed early etc etc and when he visited his mum, because it was less regular it was like visiting an auntie with all hugs and smiles. Now he cant see past his mum and thinks im the worst in the world. What upsets me more is that its been brewing for say 3 years and i have had no one to turn to,.............anyway thanks for your help, i understand its going to be a waiting game, thank you x
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Original poster
andy1878 · 10/10/2014 15:31

also think what hurts even more, is after i give him a lift etc, he wont even come for tea, or even contemplate staying. Anyway thanks people.

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strawberryshoes · 10/10/2014 20:37

ah, we never feel so much guilt as when we are parents. The parenting grass is greener, but he will recognise the effort you put in, i am sure. As you say its a waiting game, i am sure he will need you soon enough and you will be there just like you always have been and he will notice.

Nosy67 · 10/10/2014 22:00

yup, if one parent does more disciplining then they end up as the bad guy. Totally unfair. You really have to work hard to be a role model of how he should treat people. Don't give him power over your feelings (easier said than done, i know!).

Original poster
andy1878 · 10/10/2014 22:37

thank you both x

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Blondiemama · 11/10/2014 01:46

Hi Andy,

I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to post and give you some moral support. I work with young people of a similar age to your son and I know it's no comfort at all but this sort of problem is really common. A lot of this is due to hormones (which obviously you can't control) so please take some comfort in that.
I can completely understand how devastated you must be but believe me, he will come to his senses eventually. In the meantime, all you can do is be there for him when he needs you and try to enjoy life yourself. Do you have some friends that you could meet a bit more regularly and do things with? Go to football (assuming your a footie fan like me ;-) ) that might help you to take your mind off things and to show your son that actually you have a life too. It might also help with your feelings and give you something positive.
If you feel really low again please do speak to someone whether it's the GP, the Samaritans or even posting here on MN. There will always be people willing to talk to you and to listen x

Original poster
andy1878 · 11/10/2014 17:31

Thank You so muchx

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