Dads always bribing his son with new toy - is this right??

[missmontana80]

I have been with my partner for around 18 months and he has a son, who's 3 in November, who he's been very actively and heavily involved in raising, living mainly with him (not me). I have always been impressed with the way he has raised his son, who is very well behaved, developing well and is generally incredibly loved and supported despite the fact his mum and dad are no longer together.
However, recently his dad (my partner) has begun to offer a bribe of a new toy for EVERYTHING his son does, almost every time they leave the house!

'if you leave the shop now I'll buy you a toy' and 'if you don't get your shoes I wont buy you a toy'

I don't believe a) it's my position to say how vaguely appalling I find this b) that he needs the offer of a bride. His son is a good boy and has always done as he's told (eventually, like many 2yo's) and now doesn't need his fathers authority to be undermined by a bride...what's more he simply doesn't NEED any more toys! His dad is tight on cash as it is, making sure his son has a comfortable safe home and an excellent nursery so it not only breaks my heart to see him waste money and become one of those parents who's children only do as they're told to get something out of it, but i'm ashamed to say it's really making me lose respect for him as a parent and as a partner.

Am I a horrific and appalling person for thinking any of this?! Please help!

xx

I don't think it's horrific for you to think like this. If you don't have DCs of your own it might be difficult for you to get this across to him and even if you did have your own DCs, it would be a case of 'my way is better than your way' which could still cause problems.

My dp definitely veers towards being over-generous to his DCs and sometimes seeing him give in to whining does make me lose respect for him. It has caused arguments between us, especially when we're all together and I'm not in a financial position to treat my DCs the same way.

Could you try and have a conversation with him to let him know that you've noticed that he often offers ds a toy for doing something and that you're worried ds will start to expect it and not appreciate it. Perhaps you could suggest some other form of reward, stickers, charts etc. Especially being quite young, he would probably appreciate something as simple as a sticker, especially as it is an instant reward, not one he has to wait to buy.

It is tricky, I don't know how you can tell him how it makes you feel without falling out about it. I have told dp how I felt about his Disney dad act and he has definitely toughened up a bit, while I have become a bit more relaxed, so hopefully we now meet somewhere in the middle.