don't know how to deal with 6 year olds temper.

[losenotloose]

it's not new behavior, but I'm drained from dealing with it. he's extremely well behaved at school and can be at home. but when he's angry, he's horrible. he'll spit, kick and bang around the house as loud as he can. and you can't snap him out of it.

I've just smacked him because I just don't know how to deal with the temper. taking things away means nothing to him, when he's in that mood he doesn't care. I feel at a complete loss of how to deal with it.

please help me!

When he's mid-tantrum he's not using his thinking brain so trying to reason with him will be pointless. Very often physical containment will help him calm down quicker than if he's left to his own devices and then, once he's calm and his thinking brain is in tact, talk to him about what happened. If you've noticed a clear trigger or if there is a pattern emerging, bring it to his attention. Chances are he may well not be able to articulate it if you just ask him why he went off on one, but if you lend him your own adult thinking brain and language skills there might be something that helps him.

If you can discuss the triggers (if there are clear ones) then this could help the two of you come up with a way of either avoiding them or dealing with them before it's too late for him.

Clearly he needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and he needs to understand how firm your boundaries are. Check he's aware of this by asking him what the expectations are rather than telling him again and again because it's ver easy for it all to go straight over their heads.

Quick disclaimer: my advice above is as a professional. I know first hand how much harder it all is when the child misbehaving is your own because I also deal with it at home on a daily basis.

that's good advice. I need to try and talk to him when he's not in the tantrum, but what to do whilst it's happening? that's what I'm struggling with. obviously I can't let him rampage round the house, how do I diffuse it/contain him?

Have you read How to Talk so kids Listen and how to Listen so Kids talk? It is going to be pointless trying to get him to 'snap out of it' if he is really angry and upset, and you won't be able to punish him out of it too as that will just make him more angry and upset.

I've read it but very hard to remember it/put it into practice! I know he can't just snap out of it, but what do I do whilst it's going on?

That book's by my bed!

If you can hold him safely, that would be the most effective way to keep everyone and everything in the house safe. If he's a particularly big six year old that can be difficult, but it will soothe him far more quickly then if left to his own devices. Very often when children are in this state of deregulation their desire is to be held (although they may not consciously realise it at the time). Only do it if you feel confident and that you are able to hold him safely (from behind, holding his arms down with yours cross his chest, ideally sitting with him on the floor) If you have another adult to help you , even better.

It's also important to acknowledge his feelings rather than just telling him he mustn't be doing it. Anger is a perfectly natural emotion and he's absolutely justified to feel it, but it's how he channels it that's important. The anger rules I use are:
It's ok to feel angry
It's NOT of to hurt ourselves, others or property.

For some kids physical containment works very well. But for others it makes things worse (prolongs the tantrum) and can be dangerous, in which case you may find that the best thing to do really is to leave him alone to calm himself down. I run a strict hierarchy of damage limitation - better to let him rampage round the house than anyone getting hurt. Depending on whether he's just kicking furniture and banging doors, or smashing things and thumping his siblings.

Like other people have said, in the midst of an aggressive situation, there is not much you can do. You just need to get on your boat and ride with the storm.

You cannot really change your son and any external means you use to control him (like punishment and reward) will create a disconnection between you and him. This is because punishment and reward are based on fear. You can however practice loving him more...

You need to see how you treat your son in way that creates a disconnection between both of you. for instance you might:

• Prompt him to say please and thank you
• Prompt him to say sorry when he does not feel like it
• Force him to share his toys
• Give orders instead of requests
• Not acknowledge his feelings (as above)

Ask yourself this: Would I say this thing in this tone of voice to my best friend? If you wouldn't then you know that your words are creating a disconnection.

The thing to remember is that children need love most when they appear to deserve it least.

Read Connection Parenting for a more insightful look!

OS