DD boasting and lying to win approval - advice and thoughts please.

[Treeleaf]

My 10yr old DD constantly claims to be able to do things that she can't do or to know things which she doesn't know, sometimes tipping over into elaborate lies. In a similar way she will readily cheat in games as apparently she can't bear to lose. She gets VERY upset and/or angry when I pick her up on her claims and suggest that they are not true (which I don't do too often as it seems counter-productive). -To the point that I think she may even believe them herself.

I try to reinforce the message that I love her and am proud of her just as she is and I try not to place too much emphasis on achievement in the hope that she will stop. My impression is that she doesn't feel good enough (or acceptable? or lovable?) as she is and believes that she needs constantly to court praise and approval.

I know that many, many kids go through phases of elaborating and exaggerating the truth and that it can be cute in little ones. But this is really beginning to affect her socially as it inevitably alienates her peers and she really struggles to make friends at school.

I'm shocked that she does it to me and the rest of her family all the time as we don't wish for her to be anything other than what she is. I'm worried that she doesn't trust that and that lying to me has become so habitual. It also means that she can't confide in me if she is feeling insecure.

I've tried to talk about the issue in the abstract with her, but got nowhere.

I'd be so grateful for any advice anyone might have...

I went through a phase of this at about 12. It was purely to gain some attention. I remember feeling like I wasn't actually good at anything. I was shy and wanted to be noticed more...I was struggling academically too...though I tried hard at school I never seemed to be recognised for it.

That's all I can say really...as you say you have tried to tell her you love her and are proud etc....is she getting enough recognition at school? Is she struggling in any way there? Is she getting regular one to one time with you?

Thanks ClapHands, it's so kind of you to share your experience. You say that for you it was a phase... Was there something which helped you get past it? Do you think you knew what you were doing at the time? (I don't want to pry, but I'm interested in your story.)

I guess it's a deep human instinct to crave approval and recognition and somehow we have to struggle with the brutal truth that as adults we don't always get it. If children are lucky they get plenty of this when they are young.

It's hard to tell if she is getting recognised at school, partly because again I'm pretty sure that she is not telling me the truth... She is reasonably capable academically without being a high flyer. My guess is that in the school world of gold stars and ticks she will never feel good enough as she will never be number one. Maybe this is an inherent problem with that aspect of school...?

Anyway, thanks again.

Looking back I think I moved out of it when I suddenly realised I was good at some things...it was as simple as a teacher flattering a story I'd written (this was secondary school) and using it in a special event....that was actually a turning point but it wasn't till' you just asked that I thought about it!

After that, writing was "my thing" and I practiced and got better and better...garnering more attention of course! I was shy you see...and writing was my way of pulling people to me.

I did know what I was doing. I told one absolute WHOPPER which was that had the lead part in Bugsy Malone! We weren't even DOING it at school!

I wonder now if my parents knew that or didn't care to come and see it!

What is she good at? When my older DD (10) was suffering a bit in year 3 I made her enter an online art contest and she came in as third...won a lovely prize and it really boosted her.x

I did this, and have had to train myself as an adult to not do it.

At that age I did it because I wanted approval and something special about me. I also had a vivid imagination (always writing stories) that I almost couldn't understand why it couldn't be true.

Two different people said that they didn't want to be friends with me because of it, and that made me realise that people knew it was a lie. Until then I had sort of been thinking it was sort of true.

Is she into writing stories? Maybe encourage her to write it down like that, imagining what it would be like.

Caulkhead and ClapHands your stories sound quite similar and I do find it reassuring to read them so thank you. What strikes me about what you say Caulkhead is that for you the boundaries of how much you knew what you were doing were a bit blurred. My DD's lies are for the most part quite small and innocuous - little exaggerations about achievements rather than starring roles in imaginary musicals (!), but I think it's on the same spectrum. - But maybe the 'smaller' lies are easier for her to convince herself of.

It's interesting that you became aware that you were losing friends over it. - It's a horrible double bind because I think this is also happening to my DD, but I also think the lack of friends is probably one factor in making her do it. - She's reaching around to find some way of winning her peers' acceptance and of course is getting it very wrong... It's really sad to see.

Well, thanks again to you both. I'll think about your words and what more I can do.

I went through phases of this at various stages of my childhood too. I remember bragging to a teacher and a group of classmates at primary school about how I had a cindi swimming pool and horse and got rumbled when the teacher mentioned it to my grandma who said that's not true and feeling mortified that I'd lied. (More that id been caught I think haha!) Later on around 12 yrs of age I told alsorts of porkies to other classmates about having older sisters that I didn't have and nieces that didn't exist. Think I just lived in a dream world of what I wanted and wished I had and it felt good to boast. I must say that I did come out of it and like to think I'm not a boaster in adulthood and I don't tell lies so don't worry I think it's just a normal part of childhood and quite common. She'll be ok as long as she's taught the right ways as a child which I'm sure she is!

Thanks LittlePink. Maybe this is more common than I realised! I'll do my best but she clearly feels humiliated and therefore angry when I say anything...

I'm going to take on board ClapHand's suggestion that I focus on the things which she can be proud of. I wish I could rope her teacher in to help but she's a pretty cold fish. (That's a whole different post...!)