Having a bit of a wobble, finding it difficult

[JuniorMint]

I having a bit of a tough time with DD 5 months (21 weeks). All through the newborn stage everyone always said "it gets easier!" but I feel like it's getting harder.

She is breast fed and feeds at least every two hours. She used to take a bottle of expressed milk occasionally but won't seem to any more.

She will "play" in the jungle gym or Jumperoo for around 10 minutes before starting to whine and then it turns into screams. This is the same whether I am there playing alongside her or whether I nip up to the loo. Friends' babies seem to play in their jungle gyms for half an hour while Mum has a sandwich and a cuppa.

I then pick her up and carry her around the house- that seems to be the only way to stop her screaming really, carrying her around either with arms or in sling.

She screams in the car seat, pretty much continuously until she possibly falls asleep. If I have DH with me, one of us sits in the back, if I'm on my own I just drive along trying to talk/sing to her while tears roll down my face.

She will go in the pram for around ten minutes before she starts screaming. I have started taking the sling out with me so I put her in there and push the empty push chair.

For day time naps I feed or rock her to sleep. Once she's asleep if I try to put her down in Moses basket, crib, even bouncy chair, she will sleep around 10-15 minutes before waking up crying. If I keep her in my arms she will sleep up to an hour. My house is a tip, I can't even do a load of laundry, load the dishwasher etc.

Night times are getting worse. I've always done bath time between 6.30pm and 7.00pm following her cues, then feed to sleep and put down around 7.30-8.00. Then I've usually had around 2-3 hours where I could get my tea, do a few jobs etc before her first waking around 10.30/11 but this past week it seems I haven't even got that.

Last night I put her down (asleep from feeding) in crib at 7.45, I left the room and went downstairs to make some tea (DH was at work until 10pm). By 7.50 she was awake and whining, which I ignored but by 7.55 it had turned into screams. I went in and over the next hour tried a sort of pick up put down process (the first time I have tried anything like that, usually I just get into bed, lie down on my side and latch her on) where I would pick her up until she stopped crying then put her back down, when she would start screaming again. After an hour and 26 pick ups I gave up and put her in the sling- she fell asleep straight away and I could get a sandwich.

She cries/screams if held by anyone but me. She will go to DH or my parents (who live nearby) for around ten minutes then start crying, people she doesn't know including MIL (who lives further away) she will scream as soon as she gets into their arms.

She screams in the bath, getting out of the bath, getting dried and getting into sleep suit. She screams generally getting dressed with things that go over her head or sleeves to put arms in. She absolutely HATES tummy time and screams at this.

I just feel like I'm doing everything wrong for her and that she's so unhappy, although I'm doing everything as I planned- EBF on demand, baby led routine, using sling, cosleeping as needed, planning on baby led weaning at 6 months.

My SIL (DH's brother's girlfriend) has a DS 8 weeks older than DD. They live abroad so we don't see them much but I hear all the news. They've taken a completely different approach- SIL BF for 2 weeks then moved on to formula so she could start smoking again, she started DNephew on a strict of routine bottles, naps and bedtime straight away, and has told me that she rolled over and ignored his screams in the night if he wasn't due a bottle. She weaned into baby rice at 17 weeks. Although she doesn't work, she has a nanny 9-5 three days a week so she can go to the gym, meet friends etc. She left DNephew with MIL for four nights to attend a wedding abroad when he was 14 weeks.

So much of what she has done is completely at odds with what I have done and with my outlook and philosophies on babies and I must admit, yes I've felt judgemental at times (although I would NEVER say anything), yet DNephew has been sleeping through the night for months, is a placid baby who will be left with anyone, all the things my DD isn't. And that is really getting me down too.

On the other hand, DD is a wonderful, beautiful girl with a smile that lights up the room. She is alert and interested in people and objects, books, toys. She can sit up unsupported for over a minute and babbles away. She is funny and adorable. She has tripled her low birth weight of 5lb 7oz.

Is it time for "tough love"? A strict routine? To "ignore" bouts of screaming (I don't think I could stand it though)? Time for own bedroom? Time to wean?

I had sort of imagined by now going for lovely walks in the park with the push chair, DD happily bouncing in the Jumperoo in the kitchen while I did some cooking, longer stretches in the night... It kept me going through those newborn days!

I really don't know what to do for the best, I just want my little girl to be happy all the time but I am finding it difficult, feeling a bit low and generally feeling like a bit of a rubbish mum.

I completely understand you! I could have written your post word- for- word four years ago. DD1 was exactly as you described and I felt like I just couldn't please her. I looked at other Mother's with their contented babies sitting in highchairs in Cafes, enjoying shopping with their littles ones peacefully asleep in their prams or sitting contentedly in their pushchairs and I wondered what I was doing wrong. With hindsight and more experence at this "motherhood lark", I realised that the answer was "NOTHING".

Although it's natural and inevitable to compare, just remember all babies are unique and different. Some are more laid back and less demanding and some are fussy and sensitive. Whilst some babies thrive on "Gina Ford" type strict routines other's don't. The main thing is to know that you are doing nothing wrong. You are a great Mother, otherwise you wouldn't be upset that you think she is not happy.

Looking back, my DD1 was what some people would describe as "fussy", "needy" or "demanding". She cried and complained a LOT, she didn't like high chairs, prams, pushchairs, car seats, other people, sleeping alone.......I was always the one walking up and down in the cafe trying to soothe her whilst my other "Mummy" friends would be chatting, laughing and drinking their coffee. I bought the rainforest bouncer in a desperate attempt to get some time to myself but she hated it. She just wanted to be held all the time. I spent so much time feeling upset and useless.

However, it did get better as she got older and some of the lovely calm laid back babies I knew really lived up to the label of "Terrible Two's"!!

As to the two- hourly feeding, it could be a growth spurt. She is nearing weaning age so maybe she just needs a bit more. Once she is weaned she may breast feed less.

With DD2 I was more prepared. I told myself that I wouldn't worry about what my baby "should do", and just concentrated on making life easier and happier for the both of us. The first year, especially first time round, is tough for everyone and certainly tougher for others. IMO the aim is to make it as easy on you as possible. With my DD2 if she didn't like the pushchair- fine! I just used the sling. If she would only sleep next to me - fine! As long as we all got some sleep. If people got upset that she didn't want to be held by them, then tough. I decided not to beat myself up about it.

My DD2 isn't quite as demanding as DD1 but I still benefitted from approaching things differently.
My DD1 has just started school and she is a happy, funny, contented little girl. She still has her "sensitive" moments but is very loving, affectionate and empathetic to other people.

Sorry for the ramble, and it might not be of any use to you, but I had to answer because your post rang so true to me.
It will get easier and you are doing nothing wrong.

Thank you very for your reply nimton. It's very good to read about similar experiences further down the road.

OP you're going to be fine
My DS1 was NEEDY on an epic level, DS2 is mellow I used to think with DS1 'am I doing it wrong' but as nincom said - they're all different little people.
Things that got me through -
1 No one NO ONE knows your baby like you do
2 when making choices I would think - 'am I going to be happy looking back on this decision' eg CIO - answer, no - even if he slept better, at what cost was that?
3 It does get better, really; time does pass - really fast, actually, and you'll be out the other side of all this (with new worries!).
[4 people who seem to be managing well often aren't or are lying!!]

Thank you so much for your reply catdoctor, it really helps and it means a lot

Something very important to understand: just because your nephew doesn't cry much and your DD does cry a lot, it doesn't mean your nephew is happy and your DD is miserable (and therefore you are a "bad" mum).

We cry to express sadness but babies cry to communicate. Replace "cry" with "communicate" and what you do have? Your DD communicates with you a lot and your nephew has learnt there is no point trying to communicate with his parents so has given up.

Your DD does sound hard work and its no wonder you feel ragged. But many babies are just like this - and in my experience (no scientific basis at all) those who were miserable babies blossom into sunny toddlers.

She's a high need baby, but she is talking to you about it and you are doing your best to respond and meet her needs. You're doing just the right thing and it will, eventually, get easier.

Its hard enough trying to live with a high needs baby as it is without also thinking that somehow you have failed or that your baby is miserable because you are rubbish. Its not true.

Good luck love.

PS my eldest was high needs. If she was left to cry she wouldn't calm down, she'd get increasingly distressed in the space of about 3 minutes until she threw up everywhere; we tried that once and needless to say never again! She wasn't trying to manipulate us, she genuinely had need for a lot of reassurance and contact.

BTW now she is 5 and an absolute delight, doing brilliantly at school and very grown up and independent.

They are who they are.

Dd1 was like yours. Fed every 2 hours day and night until about 9 months when it became 3 hours. Only happy in my arms or sling, would only go to dp during the day - never evening or night. Hated the car seat, buggy, jumperoo, Moses basket, cot etc you get the idea!

She's now a pretty hard work but independent and wonderful 3 year old.

Dd2 completely different kettle of fish. Laid back, always happy. Would probably be ok in the car seat or buggy but I'm kind of attached to the slings now and she loves them as well. Sleeps for 4 hour stretches and had done since 4 months.

It wasn't anything I did wrong. It's just how they are! The number if people who told me I "just need a good bedtime routine" grr!

Anyway, they are who they are no point fighting it!

I love the idea of replacing "cries" with "communicates"! It totally reframes things. I am a teacher and I remember doing an SEN course a couple of years ago about reframing perceptions of children with ADHD where we had to come up with alternate descriptions- so where some would say the child was unruly, argumentative and wouldn't sit still, we would say they were enthusiastic, good at debating and kinaesthetic leathers! This is sort of the same thing- my DD is an excellent communicator, she is just a but frustrated at the moment as I can't quite understand all of her communication (although most of it seems to be "hold me" )

My DD was exactly the same. It can be so heartbreaking. I also used to cry when she cried!

She ended up basically living in the sling until she was about 10 months because it was the only thing that worked. I think what helped me the most was giving into it, accepting it wasn't my fault and she was just a 'high needs' baby and also lowering my standards a lot!

If it makes you feel better she is now a lovely three year old. Never really did the terrible twos. She is the most considerate under 5 year old I know, very kind and always thinks of others . She still doesn't really sleep through though but it's much easier than it was.

Incidentally, my top recommendation for this type of baby would be do not try to do anything without slings.

We gave up on the buggy. She still goes on my back occasionally now at 3yo in our preschool sized mei tai. Laundry, eating, gardening, vacuuming- all with a sling. As long as I kept moving dd was happy in a sling, and if I sat down or napped she was in my arms. Things like showers happened at break neck speed listening to her howl though, and I limited car journeys to a 5 min radius.

I now have lots and lots of pretty lovely slings though - woven wraps of different sizes and patterns, ring slings, mei tais, etc. dd2 has never been in a buggy and lived in a sling for her first 6 months and sling time counts as tummy time

Love sling time counting as tummy time! Well I have a moby wrap, a babasling and a bog standard mothercare carrier. I do love using them, thank you for all the reassurance to keep using them. Well I have just fed DD to sleep so about to try and put her down... If she won't settle (like last night) I am prepared to get into bed with her next to me as I have had my tea (unlike this time last night, due to DH being home earlier tonight).

You might find it useful to feed to sleep lying down on your bed - with a bed guard or cosleeper cot for safety - then stealthily sneak away.

For naps I had a pre tied sling, then would put sleepy baby in the sling so I could do stuff while she napped. Initial protest but a bit of gentle moving around quickly resettled

I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum.

Thank you waffles, that's so kind DD has been asleep in her Moses basket for 3 hours now (7.30-10.30) so I am having a MUCH better night!

I can't relate to everything here, my DS is FF and loves the pram, but he is a crier and there's a few things I've found that have helped along the way that may or may not be useful!

I found a vibrating chair on a slightly sat up angle saved my life for naps. He never liked to lie down flat and the cot mattress has a pillow under it and the pram was never flat.

He also hated being on his tummy and screamed within seconds but at 4 months I just kept persisting, mostly on our bed - I think the softness of the duvet or something was helpful, and eventually once he learned to move a little bit he got it and he's now just crawling at 7.5 months.

He also screamed so much after a bath and so bedtimes just weren't that calm, relaxing time they all say they're supposed to be. I found wrapping his top half in a really soft blanket whilst drying his bottom half and putting on nappy/starting to put on sleepsuit really helped and then I'd swap to do the top half. All this while he had a dummy in and I sang to him (or we now have a lullabying elephant which shines stars onto the ceiling).

I also introduced a comforter quite early on and he snuggles into it and covers his face a little with it to soothe him.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to start introducing some food now, I started at 5 months and a week and he's doing really well as far as food goes. If anything it may be something new to distract her with for a little while.

I had a real wobble between 5 and 7 months and just felt like he hated me, mostly due to teething, but just be assured she will learn to communicate in a different way soon!

Oh my love. Give yourself a hug. I found it very tough at about 5 months with my first. There were days when getting dressed, having a shower or a five minute walk to get milk felt like a marathon. All three would have been a bloody miracle.

I'd stick with the sling if it's working for dd and the feeding will eventually ease off.

You're obviously being very attentive to your baby but do try to be kind to yourself and let others be kind to you. The housework will wait and if dd won't settle on anyone but you, then use DH and your mum to do the jobs that must be done. Could your mum bring round a dinner? Also, if you're still feeling low then don't be afraid to talk to the doctor or health visitor. It is exhausting and relentless if you don't have a textbook baby.

My DS1 was like your DD. He is now 3 and is a lively, funny, cheerful little boy. He is bright, confident, talkative, and a real joy to be with! (not that I am biased at all)

Things will get better, and easier, you will eventually get some sleep, and it will all have been worth it. Don't doubt yourself, it will all be fine.

Every child is different so don't compare. I found DD loved the vibrating chair and the travel swing but DS only wanted the huge swing. DD hated the jumperoo but LOVED the exersaucer and DS just loved the jumperoo (he would jump in it now if he could!). If I have a 3rd they too will have their own likes and dislikes. What your DD needs is for you to 'listen' to her. Right now all she can do is cry to communicate. Some babies need their mummy 24/7 while others are fine to just sit back. With DD, all hell broke loose if she didn't get to do tummy time three times a day. With DS I think we did tummy time twice in 3 months!

The hardest part of being a mother is the first year when you get no sleep. It is a huge adjustment and it is really tough. Every month you find your child will grow and change, often in ways that make your life easier. Try to take some time for yourself each and everyday. It made a huge difference for me.

I have a daughter (now 14) who was just as you describe your baby. She was clingy and "needy" for the first 8 months of her life. And she was my 4th baby, so I know it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. I spent a lot of time and money seeing drs, naturopaths, chiropractors and read everything I could get my hands on, but in the end ,what worked was that I read a book by Dr Sears (so long ago, I can't remember the title: "The fussy baby" or something) and in the book it said something about just accepting that the baby needs you, get as much support as you can for everything else (take up offers of help around the house, meals etc) and know that it will pass. That became my mantra:"this too shall pass".

As soon as I had a moment, I would set up a little station near the couch, with a drink, snack, wet wipes, etc and a stack of books to read, then I would cuddle my little girl, breast feed and sit there while she slept (she wouldn't sleep in her crib, cot,pram, nowhere but near me). It basically saved my sanity. I also had a lovely friend who would come and collect my DD once a week, putting her in the pram and take her for an hour walk to give me a break. I worried because my DD would cry for everyone else, but in the end I realised it didn't matter if they had to put up with crying for an hour if it meant I had some peace. My DH would also take her for a walk in the sling so I could have a shower. But alot of the time, I would shower with her in my arms, or have a bath with her.

I had to get used to being with her most of the 24 hours a day, and it was hard, but we survived. I recall one day walking out of the house, while she cried in her cot (her older siblings were at home); I started walking down the street, thinking, that's it, I can't so this anymore, I could still hear her crying: about 100 meters down the road, I turned around!

I have to tell you she has been an amazing gift: bright, clever (tops her class), sensitive, kind and loving. It was worth all the hard yards at the beginning.We are so proud of her and everyone tells us what a lovely girl she is.

I know it is hard, but there really will be a light around the corner. getting some support is a big help though.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful replies, I am truly enjoying reading about all of your experiences and all of your DC!

Gumblossom; funnily enough I just bought a Dr Sears book from Amazon- not the high needs baby one, the baby sleep one, but it does mention high needs baby.

I was reading a section out to DH earlier (I think it was quotes from mothers about some of their experiences) and he commented that it was very supportive of our outlook and inspirational. I said that you can probably find literature out there to support whatever your baby philosophy is (within reason!!!) so for example SIL will have read about the benefits of CC or CIO and decided the benefits outweigh the negatives, and will have been able to use things she has read to support that for herself.

I am happy with the Dr Sears book (and actually this thread!) so far that it has helped me feel more confident in the choices I am making for my DD and for our life together. As you all know, it is so easy to get bogged down in "what my baby should be doing" and comparing with others, especially if you feel, rightly or wrongly, that perhaps those comparisons don't come out favourably on your side. It is also easy to lose sight of the bigger picture, when you're overtired, run tagged etc. every minute feels like an hour.

Reading people's experiences here has helped me realise (although I suspect I knew deep down but needed reminding due to being caught in a few stressful moments) that whatever is right for your DC is the right way, and you can't go into it with preconceived ideas about what it will be like (eg baby in push chair, baby sleeping peacefully in crib).

So far tonight DD went down in Moses basket at 7.30pm, very tightly tucked in, white noise on, after having fed to sleep. She has been up at 11.00pm and 2.30am and has settled back into the basket each time. This counts as an absolutely fantastic night to me!

She sounds so much like my darling gd, but time passes so quickly and now my dgd is over a year old and she is generally a very contented little thing who now goes happily with a lot of different people.

I personally, when my dd was seven months old had to give bf to get her to sleep. My DM and I spent hours walking around with her, singing lullabies for about three days until she got used to sleeping without Bf. My dd did not follow that course. IMHO, both are good.