Ds1 is far too rough with Ds2 and no punishment seems to make a difference...really getting me down

[AnMum]

Ds1 is 3yrs 10months and Ds2 is 10 months. Ds1 is very rough with his brother...not just in a rough and tumble boys' way but in a more 'intended' way. Examples include walking passed him and smacking his head on the way by, pushing him over backwards when he's sitting up, dragging him by the legs when he's crawling. On a couple of occasions, Ds2 has really banged his head falling. It's horrible to watch and clearly not acceptable behaviour.

Our main problem is that Ds1 is extremely difficult to punish. Nothing seems to make a difference or get it through to him that his behaviour is not right. We have tried:

Asking him to stop
Warning, naughty step etc
Shouting
Taking toys away
Sending him to his room
Stopping him being involved in something he enjoys (e.g. Helping DH cut grass)
Reasoning with him and trying to explain what he has done wrong.

Nothing works! He cries when you punish him but only because he is angry that we've dared to question his imagined 'authority'. Two minutes after the punishment has ended he'll do it again!

I should add that Ds1 is the most lovely, very articulate, funny, good natured boy 95% of the time and a joy to spend time with. Also very affectionate to Ds2 lots of the time. However, once we get in to the cycle of him hurting d2, us punishing him, him getting angry etc etc , it can go on all day and it is emotionally exhausting.

Any ideas! Don't want to see my lovely boy turning in to a monster so have to get through to him that he cannot behave like that towards his brother!

My son used to use his younger sibling as a skittle when he was about 2 1/2. If he walked past her whilst he was in a grump he would just push her over.

The key thing to remember is that your son isn't like this most of the time, he is kicking the cat so to speak.

I would pretend you aren't emotionally wired up by his behaviour when you punish him. As in, dispassionately put him in time out or on the step, or whatever you do. I agree with the warning first. I have found my punishments and chastisements are also most effective when I appear unbothered and dish out reprimands from a position of calm but in control.
(This mainly occurs when I have got to the point of being so cross I think I don't care whether they like this or not, it is happening, and I am calmly utterly unbothered by their objections.)

Emotion feeds their reaction, even negative emotion. Also, he only appears unbothered. He is really narked for being punished. Doesn't matter whether he fells bad or cross, he still doesn't like it.

I also try to big up "kind hands" and being gentle in between times, although I try to pretend this is unrelated to the boisterous behaviour. Praise any gentleness lots, "Oh, you were so gentle with X then...."

It will pass, I promise.

It sounds like sibling rivalry.
There's a book called siblings without rivalry. It's recommended by chd psychologists in my area.
If you understand how and why he is thinking / acting the way will make it easier to put In the stratagies they give. It's really worth reading.