3 year old tantrums

[despondentmummy]

I posted about this recently but am in need of some support and encouragement as feeling very low! DS1 is having awful tantrums almost every day, sometimes twice a day, and it's making us all miserable, I'm dreading each day at the moment. The most recent one was caused by me not getting a tissue for him quick enough, he kicked me, went into a full spin when I asked him to apologise and ended up shouting so hard, he was sick :( He was ill last week and therefore we've been in the house all week so I put a lot of the behaviour down to feeling rotten and bored at home, but now he's better and it's continuing. He's got a lot going on - new house last month, which is being done up, new pre-school, DD2 who is 10 months old and just crawling, so more active, more of a threat in terms of my attention etc. A lot of it seems to be attention seeking once the tantrum has started - so when I ask him to say sorry for hitting me, instead he'll strip off then scream he's cold, scream at me to dress him etc. I feel like such an awful parent - surely this isn't normal?! I'm just completely at a loss - I've tried giving him more attention once the baby is asleep (I drop all chores and we read or sing or do puzzles) but I'm a SAHM without any family help so when the baby is awake, he does have to share my attention. Any suggestions for what I could be doing differently?

You are not an awful parent. Remember that yes, he has been through a lot recently but so have you. He probably feels as despondent as you. Just take deep breaths, power through. Stay calm and hug him when he is ready. Make sure you get hugs too. As is very wisely said on here, this too will pass.

Thank you for such a lovely response! I blame myself, I feel like it's my job to make him feel secure and when he's hitting out like this I'm guessing he's not feeling safe and that makes me feel responsible and sad :(

Do you make a big thing of him being a big brother, e.g. getting him to fetch a clean nappy for the baby and telling him how much he is helping you? Is everything ok at school? How do you respond to the tantrums? Best I think to ignore him as much as possible while he is tantrumming, and give positive attention for the behaviour you would like to see.

There are times in everybody's life when a lot of things are happening at the same time and you feel a bit overwhelmed. When you're 3 and not yet able to communicate or understand your feelings that well, this must be really tough. However, it's not your fault and you're not a bad parent, sometimes things just work out in a less than ideal way. Be kind to yourself and to DS, and you will get through this.

Yes I try to do the you're a great big brother thing all the time, though to be honest he often regresses, says 'I'm your baby Mama', pretends to crawl etc so sometimes I think he doesn't particularly want that role forced on him! I think school is going ok. He loved his old pre-school (2 mornings a week) then we moved, he started new pre-school 2 mornings a week, had a week off ill so it's hard to tell how it's going as he's not been there that long. He went in happily enough apart from when he was getting ill, which is fair enough. I try to ignore tantrums - it seems to be the only thing that works (or used to work anyway). So I'll say 'no we don't hit, hitting hurts, please say sorry' If he continues to go mental, I say 'right I'm going to carry on (doing the dishes or something, something with my back turned to him or which requires me to leave the room if he's safe so he's not got an audience), when you've calmed down and you're ready to say sorry come and find me.' But he comes and finds me and makes further demands (stripping off then screaming I'm cold, screaming I'm hungry, often 'I'm too tired to say I'm sorry!') I'll admit I get drawn into the drama cos I'm knackered and emotional myself and perhaps I'm being too stubborn insisting he says sorry? That's often the sticking point - he doesn't want to say sorry, give me a hug or anything - but I just have a real thing about violence and I think at 3 he's old enough now to know not to do it. Consequences for this behaviour are no TV (I let him watch a few Spot episodes every other day normally, more TV than this just completely winds him up), no treats etc.

I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that at 12 my DD still has screaming tantrum episodes (although she has never stripped off, that's a new one for me!) The good news is that for the last year or so she has developed the ability to say a genuine sorry. When she was younger expecting her to say sorry just prompted a next tantrum because "I hate saying sorrrryyyyyyy!!!!" It's hard to ignore them, I still haven't quite got that right, but I always try to remind myself of something my psychiatrist once said to me: "When my kids throw a tantrum I always think to myself that I don't have to wallow in the muck with the pigs."

Thank you that's made me laugh so much! And I could do with a giggle right now! I find it so hard not to get drawn into the drama of it all, generally I manage it but it's exhausting :(