Boys being affectionate with each other

[MadeinSouthWest]

This may very well be the daftest thing to worry about!

DS (8) has worried me the last six months or so. He seems anxious and is having trouble getting to sleep. His teacher has also called me in to say his concentration is not good and seems to be getting worse but he is bright and pulls it together for tests etc.

Obviously I have tried to look for a reason but have more or less concluded that there is probably not a particular cause and we are working on encouraging better sleeping and effort with school work etc.

However, in the last couple of weeks I have seen him with a boy in his class a few times. Each time the boy has approached him, put his arm around him and they then walk along with their arms around each other. It is quite the weirdest thing to witness as, although I see girls sometimes walking along like this, I don't see the boys doing this.

I did ask him why and he said it is something they do, that they have done this since the start of the year and there is a reason but it is a secret why and he will not tell me.

Am I right to be a little concerned about this?

I know that I would view it differently if I was talking about 8 year old girls, that is why my worry could be daft. But seeing his behavior different from his peers is always going cause some concern, especially when there are other issues.

Of course I know he could be gay. That wouldn't be an issue, but I suspect not.

Normal or not?

Is it a very affectionate arm around each other? I dont know about 8 yo but i have seen my 5 yo with "arm over shoulder we are best chums" type walk and it hasnt looked strange.

No, not chum like. More holding each other close.

I did mean to say, I have asked DS if there is any reason for the problems at school and he says no but did confess once that he does "bad things". He has never got into trouble at school so rather odd/concerning that he thinks he does bad things.

As I say, probably daft of me to read more into this.

I dont really know. Doesnt sound very concerning. Although its difficult to tell with so little info from him. I would have thought at that age that the other boys would tease them if the behaviour was out of ordinary and they would stop it. So cant be that unusual?

Erm If my youngling was concerning me and told me he does bad things I would be worried. Any mother would

I wonder if it would be worth having a chat with the teacher on getting him to talk.. I wouldn't be jumping to conclusions and the hugging might be here nor there but something sounds up.

Ds is 8 and him and his friends put arms over each other's shoulders

I think you need to have a discussion about not keeping secrets. If he 'does bad things' and cant tell you something as its a secret I would be worried. Speak to the teacher maybe?

Yes, stress that your DC can have 'good' secrets e.g. hiding presents but not secrets that make them feel bad. Those need to be talked about.

My DS and his friends are 7 and hug or put their arms around each other.

Secrets, though, would worry me.

Yes I think you are right to be worried, not about affection between boys but about the secretiveness. I would be worrying about inappropriate sexualised behaviour.

Alternatively....
He is a bit young but it could be he is having feelings for the boy and has picked up from somewhere that being gay is unacceptable.
In which case you can tell him it's fine and reassure him.

I'd be concerned about the 'secret'. It might be nothing at all. But yes I'd be worried but I wouldn't be sure what to do about it. I think some gentle encouragement to talk about this secret would be a good idea. Any kind of sexual type relationship developing in children so young is a cause for concern. If you do suspect this is just more than an ordinary friendship.

Please don't blow this out of proportion. There is a massive difference between affectionate behaviour and sexualised behaviour.

And kids have secrets from their parents.

As long as though there is no inappropriate touching (which will be more about curiosity at this age) I would not intervene.

You could have a separate conversation with him about private parts of his and other's bodies. I would not link it to what you witnessed though, just very master of fact.

The arm cuddling thing I wouldn't worry about. But secrets I would worry about. Also that he does bad things. I would talk to the teacher, the other boy's Mum and your son and find out what the secret is and what bad things he's doing.

Does your son look comfortable with this other boy? It's not possible the other boy is bullying him and is holding him and directing him rather than being affectionate? Or possibly the other way round? Your boy is bullying him? Just pure speculation. I was just trying to connect the "secret" thing, with the "bad things".

Why is that concerning ?
It's a secret means that it is some sort of club thing. They are in imaginary world. Sounds very normal to me.

Go in to have a chat with his teacher. I would want her opinion on his poor concentration and also this friend. They may be seperate issues (or even no issue at all) but I would be concerned about the 'bad things', possible anxiety, and poor concentration.

Perhaps suggest separating your ds from his friend for a while to see if that makes any difference?

I wouldn't be concerned about the arm around shoulder thing, unless one of them looked uncomfortable or didn't like.

DS holds hands and hugs his friends constantly, and even the arm around the shoulder. He's teachers have told me he's very affectionate, more towards boys than girls.

Secrets are okay, but the "bad things" would worry me, especially if they won't tell you what it is.

Does he know about the underwear rule? Have you discussed anything of this nature with him?

DS is 6 and we found these tips/advice helpful.