DS4 cries on way to nursery. EVERY DAY. Then is perfectly happy once there….

[PacificDogwood]

Lovely nursery.
DSs1-3 all went there.
I know the staff and owner well - I have no reservations about the nursery.

He does 4 morning/week.
Every ruddy day he does not want to go, then wants to take the car (it's a 5 minute walk with no good parking opportunities, so unless the weather is very inclement or I carry on somewhere else, we walk), then is upset about not taking the car, then cries and moans and runs away all the way there . It often takes us 30 min to actually make it there.

Then he goes in quite the thing, sometimes I get a peck on the cheek, sometimes he just disappears and starts playing. At pick-up time, he is happy to see me, but does not actually want to some home because he is having such a nice time .

And the next day we do the same thing again
He has been going to this nursery for almost 2 years, he is 4.6 (we're in Scotland, school next year - oh help!)

Any ideas how I can make this a bit less unpleasant for him? He is clearly distressed and I don't like it much either.

PD my friends went through this (me too as I often took him for them) and it was awful - very draining. The only thing that worked was finding him (or him finding - bit of both) a special friend. Once he had a specific friend to play with, he was fine. They are much bigger boys now and unfortunately go to different schools, but they are still good friends. When they were a bit younger they kept talking about getting married

So if all known bribes and threats have been exhausted, see if you can rent a friend work with nursery to see if you can find a special friend! or pay someone else to take him

Thanks, Chipping - it's true he does not have a 'special friend'. I am not sure how I can engineer one though?

He is worse when I take him to nursery than with DH or the nanny who does it 3x/wk. I suppose I should be glad he is well attached to me…

I feel really sorry for him.
His most recent trick, since the school year started again, is to let go of my hand and run back to where we'd just come from. He is fast - me, not so much and I have a dodgy pelvic floor. The more I try to get him, the more he runs. Not making eye contact and walking away works, but is terrifying (busy small town main street).

Is a four and half year old to old for reigns? Or one of those extendable dog leads??
I am joking mostly

How is he if someone else takes him? Is this behaviour specific to you? What you're describing sounds to me like attention seeking behaviour rather than genuine upset. Do you think that could be the case?

Oh, he is definitely better with somebody else: he'll still say he does not want to go, but he will and with less fuss.
It is worst with me, no doubt.
Yes, it is about attention - I work 4 days/week, so only do the nursery run on one day.

Nope - if you need reins to keep him safe then do it. You may find once is enough

BEG Ask nursery to help you, to help him, find a friend. Then have a couple of UBER fun play dates. Glue.

If he's much worse for you just tell him that unless he walks nicely & doesn't make a big fat fuss you wont take him. His choice, but either way he's going to nursery.

He's plenty big enough for you to be very firm about this. Friends DS was 2-3.

Well, the threat of 'walk nicely or I won't take you' won't work because he would be delighted if he would not have to go

Yes, I will speak to nursery. Again.

It is really odd how he is so happy and entertained and likes the staff, but does not seem to be able to remember this when it's time to go the next time.

I agree, on paper he is old enough to understand a reasoned argument. In RL? Not so much - he is very young for his age: still likes a 'huggle' on somebody's lap and sometimes has a sleep like that, sleeps 12+ hrs at night, speech is just recently maturing a bit etc etc. I shudder to think that if we lived in England he would have started school. Otoh, school here went back in mid-August, so we've been back into a routine for almost 6 weeks.

Reigns it is

Reins or a buggy? It does sound like attention seeking.
Also, I wonder if the pp meant that you should say that you are not going to personally take him, i.e. Nanny or daddy take him, not that he doesn't go at all

Yes Whispers that's exactly what I meant :)

I didn't say he wouldn't be going, just that YOU wouldn't take him, either Daddy, your Nanny or a friend/neighbour/random walking past would!

It might be 'odd' but it's also 'normal' for many kids. Lots of reasons - attention/settling for second best when they're there/wanting to know what you are doing when you aren't there/imagining you are doing 'fun' stuff without them.

They can be both 'huggle' bums who seem 'young' and quite able to understand basic things like 'This is not acceptable and if you do x then y will/will not happen'.

He's your baby - but he's NOT a baby.

However, if you don't want to try those options then reins it is and pray once in enough

Oh, sorry, I was a bit dense about the 'I won't take you', wasn't I?
Sorry.

Hm. It still won't work because daddy leaves the house v early in the morning and virtually never does the nursery run, and the nanny is not here when I am not working.

He does understand.
He is not daft - he is just more persistent in his ability to keep moaning than I am in putting up with it.

Buggy.
I will get the buggy back out - it is a Nipper, built like a tank; it can take him

daddy leaves the house v early in the morning and virtually never does the nursery run, and the nanny is not here when I am not working

I assumed that, but it would only have to be accommodated a couple of times and you'd have made your point :)

He does understand. He is not daft

Then get him TOLD! YOU are the parent. Tell him if he doesn't stop this attention seeking NAUGHTY behaviour then X will or wont happen!! Good grief woman, woman up!!

Reins are much more humiliating when you are 4 than a ride in a comfy buggy... but feck, whatever works!

Chipping, I can be quite fierce when I put my Angry Mummy voice on , but he quite happily takes the consequence no iPad time.

Don't have reins and am not prepared to invest in them at this stage

The walking away from him works, the not making eye contact, the taking his hand when he comes running up again from behind without comment works - it's just so draining. I'd love to have a lovely chatty walk with him.

Oh, and yes, he is my 'baby', but I am so not suited to liking the baby phase (I had 4 children and the only thing that got me through the baby phase was knowing that it would not last forever) - believe me, he does not get 'babied'. In many ways he is as determined as he is because he has to mark his position in the family with 3 older brothers jostling for space .

But they can still be a PITA on reins, swinging round on them, running round your legs, sitting down
I think you just need to gain control for a few journeys, even just to give yourself a break, the best way is to get him strapped into a buggy. TBH, it's probably a good thing if he is delighted to be sitting in a comfy buggy as then you won't have a fight on your hands to get him into it
Then you can get the upset about going to nursery under control when you are less stressed about the whole journey and revisit the journey there when everything else is a bit less fraught.
Good luck

Ooo, cross post! Sounds like the buggy would work for you then

So he justs moans on the day he knows you are not working? Because he would prefer to be home with you? If this is the case, what about starting the morning with [bright, cheerful voice] "oh DS, you've got nursery today, how exciting!", followed by [dull, boring voice] " ugghhh, Mummy has to go to the supermarket/hairdresser/butcher [or some other thing he hates doing], it's going to be sooooo boring". And play in that? And then say, you'll have a fab time after you pick him up.

Failing that, put him in the buggy with some chocolate

I agree it's attention seeking behaviour. My 4 year old has been going to nursery full time since he was 1 and has a special friend. Recently he started playing up on the way home (bus then walk).

He would lie on the grass verge at the top of our street. I can't lift him due to a bad back and he knows this.

Anyway, on the third say it suddenly occurred to me that he understood consequences so I told him that Daddy would be collecting him the next day in the car.

He hasn't done it since. Wee tyke loves the bus and our journeys home.

You need to find your leverage. Taking away ipad time clearly isn't it.

He does moan with other people (DH or nanny or, rarely, gran) too, but only kicks up an almighty fuss with me.

Thanks for all your input.
We have a bank holiday tomorrow, so have a day's reprieve , but I've had a good chat with DS4 yesterday and today about how I'd like to have fun on our walks to/from nursery rather than both of us get upset. So he's 'going to try, mummy'.
We'll see...