5yr old behaviour is uncontrollable and I'm at breaking point

[Mama2009]

My daughter is 5 yr old she is a strong willed and independent child but in the last year her behaviour has been increasing more difficult to deal with. My clever sweet little girl is barely there anymore, I see rare glimpses of her but most of the time she is really angry and will say the most hurtful things. She will get physical with me or will just scream and whine for crazy amounts of me. I take time to play her favourite things with her and do activities that she enjoys but everything can set her off. I have spoken to her school and they say she is difficult sometimes but her behaviour isn't concerning to them and they describe it as nothing unusual for her age, I have also taking her to the doctors as I found myself exhausted and feeling like I couldn't cope. I explained all that had been happening and the doctor just said it's her age and if her school weren't concerned than he isn't either.

The only way I can describe her now is.. She is my ticking time bomb, I spend my time walking on egg shells so as to not upset or start a tantrum. There is nothing specific that can set her off but actually anything will, I've tried reward charts, taking toys away, speaking calmly, loosing treats ect but she couldn't care less! She tells me she hates me and doesn't want me but what worries me more is that she tells me, I hate her and I don't love her anymore. I've never said any of those things and I don't believe I've ever given her any reason to think these things, my world is just about her! I work part time and I love to go to work, my husband works a full 50 hr week, as soon as we have a day off together you can almost know it will be a terrible day as she will spend the day in a fit of tantrums over everything! She can go from 0 to 100 in secs, and back just as fast! Most of the time she can't even tell you why she acts this way and it really worries me!

I feel like a massive failure and now I just cannot cope anymore, I feel like my husband just doesn't understand as he is working hard at work and just gets glimpses of her behaviour. She doesn't just do it for me, if we visit family she has no problem screaming, shouting and throwing things at other family members.

I've always be calm with her but now I have NO patience left and I wake up everyday dreading what is going to happen today. I try not to engage with her but it's so difficult. We live in a flat so I'm always thinking about how much noise she is making, everybody doesn't want to hear her 24 hrs a day!

Sorry for the long post but I don't know where else to turn.

You poor thing. Sounds like you need a break.

When you went to the school, did they say she was 'not that bad' or did they say she was as good as gold?

Is she getting enough sleep and eating properly?

Can you give an example of something that happens, what sets her off?

Is this since she started school? Is she any better in the holidays?

school said she had her moments but she isn't that bad, nothing they felt that was unusual.

Bedtimes can be a struggle but I will start bedtime about 6/ 6.30 most nights she is asleep by 7.30 and will sleep through to about 6am. We read stories at bedtime and don't watch tv. She is a fussy eater but she eats well and I try to keep it to the right things.

Yesterday she got angry with herself because she thought her picture she had drawn was rubbish, when I tried to help and explain why it wasn't rubbish and maybe we could work on it until she was happy with how it turned out, she threw it at me and went into the bedroom to which she screamed and whined for about an hr, there was no reasoning or talking to her, she justs sees red! I knew she was going to be getting hungry as this was after school but she refused to eat anything, of course this was making the situation worse. I actually had to take a walk down the shop and leave her with my husband as I was about to lose my mind, after I left she continued to scream for quite some time but when I returned she apologied and was calm but it wasn't long before something else triggered her off.

I appreciate your response x

It is hard, so hard. I also have a dd like this. She is now 7 and at times I have wondered how I will get through. For the last 3 months we have been doing the Feingold diet for ADHD and the difference in her is amazing. She is still fiery but she has some control. Feingold is removing artificial additives like colours and flavouring from diet. It isn't easy but we are now used to it. I tried it in desperation and 4 days in it was obvious it was helping. She went from 2 hour meltdown 4 times a week to one 20 min meltdown in 3 weeks. The magic 1 2 3 is also recommended by experts for children like this.
Please do not blame yourself. I have spent years believing myself to be a rubbish parent and I am finally managing to let that go. I also find my dd acts out her feelings so if she is worried, or unhappy, her behaviour is even worse. We are considering play therapy to help with this.
Good luck, hang in there, she doesn't mean the horrible things she says.
Try reading about ADHD in girls and join a support group. These things have helped me.

mnistooaddictive - although the doctor said her behaviour is no cause for concern however to me it is very concerning! I was reading last night about how a change of diet can have a massive effect on a child's behaviour. The feign gold diet is something I will have a look at, thank you.

Zirca - I really noticed this behaviour starting in April this year, her tantrums have really escalated. Holidays and weekends are the worse, we went to florida in the holidays just gone and I just wanted to come home the whole time.

When she reacts like this it sounds like ages getting quite a bit of attention for it (I know it's hard to not give any) but she's only young and young children sometimes do things for negative attention as well as positive. Even you going out for a walk and leaving her with her dad and coming home stressed etc, it's making it all about her and her tantrum.

What you can try is not giving a reaction. If she screams or throws things just say "go to your room until you're ready to be calm, I'm going to do the dishes/ read my paper/something for yourself that'll distract you from reacting to the tantrum) don't say it with emotion, don't let her know you are really wound up and stressed, just say it matter of factly and get on with things.

When she comes down calm give her a hug and just carry on as normal with her, don't mention it and drag it out, just forget it and carry on. Make sure to give her double the attention you do now for positive things

Now this MAY make things worse before they get better, as at the moment when she tantrums the world revolves around her and she'll want that back, but you need to stick to it, no reactions for negative behaviours, loads and loads of praise for positives.

Tell your husband when he's there to do the same as you.

It sounds like she's getting quite a bit of attention* not ages

I'd look at diet as well. We have used the RPAH diet also known as failsafe with amazing results. It's a lot of work but worth it.

I don't have much experience here but the other thing I was going to suggest was going gluten free for a while. Google it and see if you think it might help.

can you take any time to rebond with her and talk? would that help?
A day together at home without your dp and with no pressure and focussed on your relationship?

Ask school how they manage behaviour and what sort of techniques they use?

I don't have any solutions OP but my DD sounds very similar and I often feel as despairing as you sound. It's tough. I too have wondered if there's "something wrong" with DD. Or whether I'm just a really crap parent. But on a good day I know it's just a phase and that all kids go through challenging periods.

I would agree with the tantrum = attention thing for many kids. I know quite a few of my friends had a similar problem and I had a fair bit of it with my oldest. Sometimes he just winds himself up to a tantrum over the daftest of things and there is no reasoning with him. I used to flap around trying to diffuse the situation and it just made it worse, so now I just say 'your behaviour is just unreasonable now, go upstairs and calm down and come back to me when you feel better'. Then I go off and mumsnet or play with the youngest kids and wait for him to return. Then when he's back I just give a bright and breezy 'all better now?' Not feeding the flames seems to have worked well and quite quickly the tantrums calmed right down. I think at this age the emotions can build quite high and they can't express it, so it all just explodes out of them and you just have to let them get it out and over with.
Also keep talking when she is calm just in case something is worrying her, you want her to know you will listen and help, just not when she is having a tantrum and trying to hurt you.

My best friend uses the failsafe diet for her ds. I've only known them since he's been on it and he's one of the most lovely, calm children I have ever met but when he has something he shouldn't have, you can tell.

I think that's good advice about the way to handle her tantrums. I would probably add something like when you've finished we will read that book/go and look for ladybirds/ring grandma then when she comes back I would pretend the tantrum never happened and launch straight into the thing you are going to do.

When my dd was a toddler I used to carry a 'Collins pocket gem' book in my bag and whip it out when she was having a tantrum. I learnt a lot about flags that's for sure!

Sometimes validating the feeling before they get to the point of seeing red helps, so with her picture that she thought was rubbish by telling her that it wasn't rubbish, a totally natural response, she moved to seeing red pretty quickly. Something along the lines of 'so you think your picture is rubbish? I wonder what you think is rubbish about it? ' that must be difficult' type responses sometimes can really help to avoid the full scale tantrums.

Also maybe when she is calm speak with her about how her body feels when she gets angry, she might be able to tell you how it feels inside her head/body. If she can recognise any physical changes that start to happen before she is really angry then you could try and build in things that she can do to try and calm herself. For eg DD said it feels like bees are buzzing in my ears when talking about how cross she gets with DS. So if I see she is getting worked up and I remember to say ' are the bees starting to buzz DD?' That helps her remember to do one of things that we have worked out might help her not get boiling mad.

She also sounds like she is having difficulty adjusting particularly to the days when your DH is more present, weekends or holidays for example might be really difficult if he works long hours she may not be used to him being around so much. It might help for her to have something of his when he is away, so when he leaves he would give her something small of his to keep safe for him and she could give him something of hers. You could do the same, something small, cheap and replaceable but that she associates with you, so a cheap bracelet that she has seen you wear, or a scarf. Build in a ritual that DD and DH do when he comes home and at the start of weekends, the same activity/ game each time that would start to signal to her that he is home. Also sounds given that the holiday was so stressful she probably needs a really clear, predictable routine where things are pretty much the same, or where she has some kind of easy visual timetable so she can see what comes next.

I would definitely try and avoid asking her why she behaves in certain ways, she won't be able to tell you.

Hope that doesn't all sound like mumbojumbo. for you, it sounds really tough.

Savoy

I have loved "123 magic" book. It worked almost overnight for us.

Thank you so much for all your really helpful ideas, it makes me feel even just a little bit more sane! It has also given me a lot to think about and I feel my mind is a little clearer.

I found an article this morning that a parent had wrote describe her daughters behaviour and she described my daughter to the inch. I had never thought about her blood sugar levels but actually if I really think through all of our difficult times and actually it makes a lot of sense.
Today we went to her dance class and then spent the rest of the day together playing, drawing and just a girly day....but I've made a real effort to pay attention to her intake of food and water, she has snacked all day on low or no sugar snacks with just a homemade smoothie and water ..... There hasn't been a tantrum allday, we had some wobbly moments but nothing that couldn't be diverted!

Yawning bear- what a great idea! Thank you

I feel a lot calmer knowing there are people out there willing to listen and understand. I was starting to feel so trapped and not sure anyone would understand

I would love to read that article if you can link it or give me some clues mama. Glad you feel better.

Sorry I can't seem to find the article I was reading yesterday but it suggested that a child with low blood sugar levels can very much affect a child's behaviour to which manifests as changes in mood, behavior and concentration. I do not think this is the root cause of our problem but it most certainly contributes, my daughter has always preferred to eat throughout the day but as she is getting older and more independent she refuses to eat sometimes and I don't think she is eating or drinking enough at home causing some of these continuous meltdowns, it's a battle of wills. At school however I know she happily eats at snack time, drinks throughout the day and eats all her lunch.
I am just not sure how to tackle her angry, she speaks so hurtfully towards me and tells me how I don't care about her or I hate her!
This morning I resorted to just ignoring this behaviour and I just carried on what I was doing, it didn't last as long as it normally does but what do I do when she calms down? Do I ask her to apologies for her words or just move on from what she said?

I have no idea if anything I am doing is right or I'm just making the matter worse.

I would just pretend it had never happened. That's just my instinct though. It just seems a bit daft to be bringing it up as soon as she's finished as she's hardly going to be in the frame of mind to take it on board.

I would crack on with what I was doing while it was going on and then just bring her back into whatever is happening when she's finished. Almost like she's been doing an activity that is now over.

Hi Mama, big hugs, sounds like my dd aged 5, am having a teary day here. Was thinking today how i dont really enjoy spending time with her atm!
Have you tried the ' is it a good time to talk to you dd about a problem i have, that i need your help with?'
she says yes
you say, 'i'm finding it hard when you have a bad tantrum, i wonder if you have any ideas what we can do to stop/help/etc'
write down both your ideas and at the end go through them all and see if any can be applied
important thing is shared problem, no-ones fault
in fact, think i need to go and do this again with dd.......
good luck
you can ask the health visitor/school nurse for advice
make sure you take time out for you - your own time /R&R is important - leave her with DH
try to take the emotion out - she has some challenging behaviours and you need some extra parenting skills/abilities to deal with it in the best way - youre an exhausted mum not a bad mum

Ohh tiredpooky you actually made me cry when I read that lady line! Thank you. I hope you day got better!

Well she has spent the day with her grandparents while I was at work and she is also having her first sleepover there too, this is my first time away from her in 5 1/2 years!

Thank you everyone for all your advice

Definitely look at blood sugar levels and 'love bombing!

www.youngminds.org.uk/

very helpful
they give phone counselling