Stressful play dates

[LittlePink]

I feel like all I do is tell DD off when we're in company and it drains my energy completely by the end of the play date. I often think I should just stop doing play dates but then think no, she has to learn how to socialise and learn social etiquette. If I stop her from being with other kids she wont cope at school or in social groups so I wouldn't do that. But I spend the majority of the time reprimanding her behaviour. Shes not a very gentle girl at the moment. She pushes and shoves the other child, grabs, snatches etc. Does silly things like shoving her fingers into the other childs mouth, pushing the other child who is infront of them on the stairs going down and alsorts of undesirable behaviours. I always worry what the other mother must be thinking and quite often ive sent a text afterwards apologising as ive felt so down about it all. Shes 2.3 yrs old and trying to talk to her about her behaviour is as useless as a having a chocolate fireguard. Distraction doesn't work, shes very intent on doing what it is she wants to do. The 1,2,3 thing works quite well but its very stressful having to threaten it multiple times in a play date like "right if you do that again im going to start counting" and she says "sorry! sorry!" but then does something else that's naughty instead. Naughty corner can get quite ugly as she kicks off big style if I put her in it and I don't want this to be a part of what should be a nice play date.

I think what it is, is she doesn't like me talking to other mums and starts acting up to get my attention, be it negative, positive or whatever. She does it every time we're with people, if she sees me chatting she starts doing stuff in the background to stop me. Maybe its not that, I don't know, just a thought that it might be because of that.

Anyone else have this issue? What do you do when DC is playing up during a play date and doing naughty stuff?

Hi hun

I really feel for you hun. I've been there (and am there a bit still!) My son is now 4 (just) but he was a 'pusher' too. I used to get so stressed out just going to the playground and tried all sorts, leaving the playground, warnings, stickers for good behaviour etc…but ultimately it has been mainly age/development that has improved things. Plus, his nursery were amazing and really picked up on it as a 'communication' issue. Whilst his language was really good, he didn't know how to communicate with his peers and they did some 'role middling with him. Taught him how to introduce himself to other children and ask what there name is, ask, how if they want to play or join in with him etc….it made a massive difference. I read A LOT about pushing (some kids bite or hair pull) and they really aren't being 'naughty', they are just overwhelmed with emotions/feelings that they aren't mature enough to process yet and their instinctual reaction is to push. My son still does it a bit, if people are in his space or not being nice or are in his face, but it really does get better. I remember certain playmates where i felt i was just on his case constantly and because i was expecting things to happen, i was quick to blame him for things too, when sometimes the other child had instigated a situation which he just responded too. The main thing is, is to remember they are very young and just trying to understand the world. I'll try and dig out anything useful advice i read. One thing i do remember reading was that as much as you can ignore the behaviour (pushing) the better as if you make a big thing about it, it almost reinforces it by giving them attention, even though its negative attention. Although i know how hard this is, when heave pushed another child and their parent is waiting for you to 'deal' with them. Sometimes i felt like i was telling him off for the sake of the other parent, rather than his own benefit, as the child was fine….parenting eh?! Bloody exhausting!!

Hope i haven't waffled on too much. I really do know how stressful it feels. Ive been in tears many a time and ready to give up parenthood because of the days i have had!!!

Just remembered also, that i learnt (eventually) that my son had a time limit…so he might play pretty well on some occasions for an hour, but if i stayed longer, then it would suddenly go down hill and i would have to leave. So i started not staying for more than an hour. i still also constantly 'model' and prasie the AMAZING kind things he does and sharing etc….!!

Take care.

2.3 is too young for a playdate.

Playing with other kids is fine but playdate means one-on-one intensity and it demands a standard of behaviour that kids of that age can't always manage.

I would create situations where you hang out with the other mums and kids but do it in a neutral environment like a play area.

she doesn't need to learn to socialise and learn social etiquette, she's still very young, it'll come in time. If you want to meet friends (I'm guessing these are your friends, not hers, as they don't really have friends at this age) they keep it outside in the park or playground, so they can all do their own thing. Don't force it. Formal play dates are hopeless at this age.

She won't be going to school for 2 years so don't worry about that. If she'll be going to nursery/pre-school at 3, or sooner, she'll learn then. The change in DD from age 3 to 4 was very noticeable.

Don't worry! Lots of children find this kind of social situation hard - they don't really want (or need, really) anyone except you!

www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/improper-behavior/controlling-toddler-hitting-biting-pushing-shoving/

Give it a few months. Mine really developed once he hit 2.5. Not that we don't still have the odd disastrous playdate.

Sorry for all my typos!

Thanks stars for the link, I had a look at it. Thanks to other pps too. Yes they are my friends but DD has grown up with these kids since she was a little baby so she knows them well and talks about them when shes not with them and they apparently ask for her too so I would like to think she does have friends.....albeit shes not treating them very well at the moment lol! I do agree that the one on one is very intense at this age but its striking that balance because if we meet in the park which we regularly do we don't get a chance to talk because the kids run in different directions to each other and we have to follow them so don't get any adult time. I do also agree that formal play dates at this stage is hopeless. Just what to do about seeing our friends without becoming a recluse because im too scared of how she will behave around the other children!

can't you go out in the evening with them? Honestly, if you want adult chat then surrounding yourselves with toddlers really isn't the way forward!

I know! But being a sahm you need to see people and not be on your own with a toddler every day! The thread is coming across like I need adult social time all the time. I didn't mean for it to go that way. Its more the problem of her pushing and the behaviours I mentioned in the OP that I was looking for advice on.

Toddlers really have no impulse control. She doesn't really decide to do it she just acts impulsively. I found what works with my son is complimenting manically to the point of being over the top when he's plying nicely (or just playing independently without fighting). He also needs to be given an alternative to whatever negative behavior he's doing at te time I.e. don't grab we need to wait till Katy's finished and play with the fire truck while we wait......oh look she's done it's your turn now that was very good turn taking".

I wouldn't feel badly though,I had visions of sitting around drinking tea while the kids played angellically together but it's never happened, it's a full time job just keeping the peace and I'm lucky if I get a couple of sips of tea in the seconds between toddler issues.

Of course you need to be able to go to your friends houses. Socialising with your friends (with kids) is important. They get to see that you have friends and how you relate to each other. They learn from us about friendships. It's perfectly normal to want to see friends. X

I'm also a sahm with a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old and I agree that you need to see friends with kids and I also agree that little ones can't always play nicely and yes play dates can be a nightmare.....tbh the only thing that worked for me was spending time with the friend whose kid was equally boisterous and who was incredibly laid back about discipline. Kids are all so different and expecting your more physical kid to play nicely with one whose naturally angelic will put you through the emotional wringer - however much you like the mum ! Try and meet more kids/mums and find some that are a great match for your kid ! I feel your pain - repeatedly hissing at your child in someone else's kitchen / garden / front room is hellish ! You need a pact with a similarily-minded mum!

Sky has completely summed it up. I unfortunately didn't have many friends with kids on a par (new to the area) but occasionally bumped into some in a playground and it was a relief!!!
How are you feeling?

Oh OP I feel your pain. Been there, been there, done that.

The first thing to say it that of course as a SAHM you need to hang out with other mums and kids. It can be a pretty isolating experience and you need to get out there. And I also think it's lovely and important for your DD to be other children.

BUT…here's my hard-won experience: the minute you want a bit of space and time away from your DC they will sense it, and play up. Even more significantly, the minute you start to be tense about your DCs behavior, they will sense it and become anxious themselves ….the result, more acting up. It is simply no good going to these events feeling tense and anxious about how your DD will behave. Do whatever it takes to go to these events with the attitude that your child is very, very little, she is learning and she will get there. IN my case, this meant making my peace with the fact that I would not have a nice relaxed cup of tea with the other mums. INstead I was the poor sucker playing lego on the carpet and throwing the ball. And, most importantly, I decided I would not get wound up about what everyone thought of my DC. I would intervene where necessary e.g. no hurting, must share but somehow managed to reduce the whole awful intensity and downward spiral of trying to control my child. Relax, accept her behavior and you will see how well she responds.

Sympathies OP. If it's any consolation mine did all the things yours does at 2, and is now, some 7 years later, a very well behaved, well-socialized child. If all else fails, you just have to hang in. It will pass, honest.