Worried my 18 month old is turning into a permanent whingebag pain

[Mrssarahbeee]

Hi everyone

Seeking some reassurance please about my 18 month old – my trouble these days is that I’ve been back at work full-time since January when he was 10 months old and I rarely spend any time with any other children his age (gone are those lovely NCT days) so have nothing to benchmark against or share my tales of woe!...

My son has always been a good sleeper, still isn’t walking (I was 24 months, I’m not overly concerned) but for at least the past 3-4 months is just very very clingy, whingey and is starting to show signs of being aggressive too. He was a super chilled baby, always sleeping (bit of a pain eating though) and is weirdly fine at nursery – he’s never had any issues being left from day 1 but the second he gets back in the house with me he starts to whine. I literally cannot put him down on the floor half the time without him having a full on screaming meltdown like the world has ended and he will cling to my leg if I’m standing up… He’s like this at the weekends with us too. I do try and get on with things and ignore him when I know he’s ok and sometimes it works if he gets distracted by something but other times he will just keep going until the noise gets too much for me to ignore!

If he doesn’t get his own way or I don’t understand what he wants from his random pointing at thin air, he will have a tantrum and more recently has started to hit us in the face when frustrated and flail his legs about – more mortifying for me is if I take him to a playground and another child comes near to him, he gets all clingy again and will try and bat the poor child away from him.

The weird thing is that he isn’t like this will ALL kids or adults. He will randomly always try and hit my poor sister in the face when she just tries to say hallo, or another of my friend’s toddlers, who he knows well but with other people, like a friend of mine, he will be a little charmer and laugh and giggle away… We never quite know what to expect and I’m always a bit on edge when people talk to him!

I’m just worried that he seems so much higher maintenance than other children I happen across of his age and is going to isolate himself by being horrid to perfectly nice other children – it makes me sad as he was such a chilled out happy little baby – the first to smile of our little group and an angel with sleep but he’s fast becoming majorly strong-willed and stubborn and I often just want to get him into bed after work so we can all have some peace, which I feel horrible about as I haven’t seen him all day

He is the only toddler/baby I know though who is at nursery 5 days a week and I’m worried this is having some kind of negative impact?.. The nursery are wonderful and he seems to love it but is his clinginess to me being made worse by the fact he only sees me and my husband a couple of hours a day?..

my basic assessment!
sounds to me like he wants more time with you, after nursery can you spend time with him, enjoying each other, or get him to assist with chores
i'm sorry you feel your son is a 'wingebag pain', could you try to feel more positive about him, see his positives. he may be picking up that you feel he is a 'wingebag pain', and thus reacting as one, let him have a new positive identity in both your eyes!
he sounds to be getting very frustrated that he cant get his messages across, help him to communicate
also he is liekly to be very tired after nursery
rather than ignore him, he may need special time with you
good luck!

It's like ready about my own ds.

He's 3 now, 4 in December but he was exactly like this at his age.

I put it down to the lack of walking, or rather crawling. Ds didn't walk til he was 22 months and it took some physio to get there too.

He didn't crawl either so was so frustrated. He did bum shuffle towards the 19-20 month mark which helped a bit.

Ds also went to nursery and I felt all he did was whine and was basically miserable when with me. It's very hard and made me anxious and guilty.

You are getting the tired ratty behaviour which is totally normal I think. Ds still isn't laid back or chilled, he's quite a whinge and is still as soft as clarts but only with family really- he too is spot on at nursery.

Be as happy and positive as possible and maintain a really strong routine. It will get better

what do you do when you get home? I recently discovered that if I'm trying to cook tea it helps to put DS in his highchair where he can watch what I'm doing. feel like a bit of a tv chef giving him the running commentary!

I think the mistake is trying to "get on with things and ignore him". You can't really do that with an 18 month old, especially one that has been apart from you for a long time. I suspect you need to focus on spending time in close contact with him (you can still go out, watch tv, do things, just try and do it WITH him. Yes it takes 10 times as long, but that's just what its like.)

Maybe try and refocus how you feel about him. He is only going to get more demanding as they get older, and want more interaction with you, so it may be worth adjusting now while he is little.

As he gets a bit bigger, when he is secure that you are home, and you will play with him, he may then play away from you for a bit or sit and play with his toys for a bit when he initiates play but they seem to need the security that you are there and aren't going to ignore him.

My DS has been in FT nursery for two months now. We get mad over excitement when we pick him up, to the point of hitting and butting me. Then at home he's a little tantrum machine until he has his bottle, then it's all loveliness until bedtime.

In addition he's suddenly nervous and clingy around people he doesn't see every day.

I think it's a combo of separation anxiety, tired / hunger and energy/adrenaline.

We try and give DS our full attention in the evening (chores and dinner after he's in bed) and we gave up on books (more tantrums) when we realised he needs to climb about to use up some energy.

Also practically, I banned sugar after 4:30. Crèche gives him a breadstick or whatever instead.

I feel for you OP. It's hard to feel like you're doing the right thing and I feel like making the switch between work and mummy takes a bit of practice.

Sorry for the long post!

Thanks for advice everyone, sorry, I think maybe my writing style made me sound worse than I am and makes me look awful - I don't ignore him at home, it's the only time I see him all day!!

That's the whole point, when we get indoors all I do is sit with him and give him a snack, try and play with him, watch TV, read to him etc BUT, the reality is that having just walked in the house from being at work, I often need to do things on my own - just go to the toilet for example! And even if we sit and play/read a book together, he has to be sitting on me, not even 1mm to the side of me..and will go mad if I try to stand up and put him down. I am only little myself and he's a heavy for me to be always carrying about, picking up when I try to stand up (the not-walking part here becomes the issues)

I do end up bringing him with me into the bathroom but he wants to cling onto me so much that he would literally sit on my lap whilst I am taking a pee if he had his way - he ends up sitting on the step in front of me but in full-on screaming fits.. :(

When I said I "ignore him", I mean at moments like this - I am talking to him constantly trying to explain things like "Mummy just needs to go to the toilet, I'll be there in a moment, I'm only here" etc - but I feel like I can't always always have him in my arms and as he used to be so relaxed and able to sit and read so well by himself, play, chill out etc if I needed to make his dinner or do something without him actually attached to me, he just won't do that very often now and I'm more worried about why the change in him rather than trying to stop his behaviour as such...

I'm not an expert at all, just another mum, but I think its quite normal for an 18month old to want to sit on you a lot, especially for stories! Mine would have done most of the day... My 2.5 year old will now happily play for a bit but then is straight up onto my lap, and very much so for stories. My 5 year old would like to sit ON me for stories, yet I do sit next to her and cuddle her.

Some children are particularly cuddly.... but its quite normal at that age. If he used to sit and play by himself etc I suspect he's doing the equivalent of that at nursery, and then when you're home wants you all to himself...

Maybe for a week or two just come home and cuddle for as long as he needs until he moves off? It will be longer than you want but might reassure him he will always get a really long cuddle to begin wtih? Cuddle him up on your lap for stories, and for bedtime, etc. I would guess lots more intentional cuddle time might make it easier for him to be reassured they will come, and then easier to be apart for a few minutes while you wee!

Also remember they wont need you in such a physical way forever... my 2.5 year old is happy playing with happy land/ colouring at a table/sticking for a bit...

My dd was exactly the same at 18 months and I'm a sahm! It was a developmental thing as afterwards I noticed she was far more a toddler than a baby iyswim!

I agree that he sounds like he wants more attention and that being a pain gets attention!

One thing worth approaching tho is how much they pick up on your mood and react to it. Being challenging when you are frazxwled for example. I've been practising affirming my feelings to my dd (now 24 months) to let her know it's mummy that's feeling xyz and that she dosn't need to worry / react to it which is having some success.

Could he be worried you will leave again? Hard as it is right now, it wont always be like this and it sounds like he needs lots of contact and reassurance at the moment, to know that he can rely on you to be present?
btw , i accepted sometimes i had to wee ( and poo!) with someone on my lap! I found i couldnt do the business with DD screaming!
i gave up trying to do things on my own 5y ago....

18 mth olds are hard and babies who are on the verge of walking but not quite a very difficult, IME they are grumpy until they get the knack.

It does slowly get easier - in a years' time he will be much happier to sit and play by himself for a bit, he will be less worried about separation.

I know from experience you can't train a child out of clinginess. They stop being clingy when they are ready. I think you need to accept that for the time you are with him he needs lots of reassurance and he is going to be on you like a little limpet!

I found 18 months was frustrating because they were trying to talk, but only early days vocabulary-wise. Cue much misunderstanding! Now they're 7 and nearly 5, it's a job to get them to stop talking.

I'd say a combination of frustrated he can't talk, frustrated he can't walk and home being more boring than nursery (ie less going on around him).

Not much you can do about the first two but for the third one I can only suggest giving him as much entertainment/company as you can manage.

Can you let him in the loo with you? DD is 22 months and has only just stopped wanting to come in the loo with me... I just let her in, no privacy but better than her crying outside.

It will be so much better when he can walk and talk a bit, I bet.

In think this is completely normal. I have a 15 month old and he constantly wants and needs my attention. Such that I try my best to cook when he is asleep so that we can go to the park at cooking time instead. But I had a very very tough 1st year with him, so for me, this is a lot easier.

Agreeing with other SAHMs here, OP. It's as much a developmental stage as anything else.

My DS3, 19m, is with me all day, we do toddler groups and so on but he's never been left at nursery...and he can still be a whingebag pain every afternoon!

'Tis a phase. And not helped by the fact your boy isn't walking yet (ds1 was a late walker and oh good God, the sheer misery and frustration of it!). Please don't assume that his behaviour is because you work and he goes into childcare. Chances are if you didn't work and he wasn't in childcare he'd be exactly the same.

You will probably find things improve once he is walking, and a bit more verbal. DS3's language has just exploded in the last month and I've really noticed how much less frustrated he is now that he can communicate his needs more effectively. Although he can still whinge bag pain for England when he puts his mind to it!!