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Behaviour/development

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3 year old tantrums

12 replies

despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 07:36

I know this has been raised many times before. My DC1 has had a lot of change recently (new house, new nursery, potty training, new sibling, holidays) and tends to hit out at me when stressed, though he's not done it for ages. But over the last few days the tantrums have been awful, and yesterday he scratched, kicked and hit me when I asked him to let another child have a go on the park swing. He seems to be having a big blow up every day, pushing boundaries I guess, and fortunately it's only ever me he's violent towards (I never leave him alone with his sister). Nursery say he's a delight there, as he was at the previous place. But for my own personal reasons I have a real issue with the physical nature of the tantrums and I'm struggling with how to respond. I know they are normal, and reading up on 3 year old behaviour here I know this is a phase they go through, particularly during times of change, so please I'm not looking for judgement of my child or my parenting but rather things that have worked for others in terms of handling the actual tantrum and the aftermath. My DH suggested I hold him and turn him outwards while he's tantruming so that he can't hurt me, I tried this yesterday and he calmed down quicker. I make him say sorry, and we talk about why he's saying sorry, but that can often take an age and ends up being shouted at me anyway, so I then insist it's said nicely. I try to explain we love each other, we don't hit, we don't shout. But as it's happened 2 days in a row, I feel like he's not listening and certainly not respecting what I say. I haven't tried star charts or anything like that as he's still a bit too young as there isn't really anything I can think of to withhold as punishment that he'd particularly miss. What can I try to get us through this difficult time so that it doesn't feel like every interaction is negative?

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despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 07:40

Meant to add that in the past, like when he was 2, the only thing that ever worked with him was ignoring it, so as soon as he hit I'd say 'no we don't hit, hitting hurts' and walk away, turn my back. Depriving him of attention seemed to cool it down quickly but thinking about it, I'm now giving him more attention as I'm getting frustrated and trying to get him to properly appreciate and understand that violence is not ok. I suppose I'm just a bit worn down & knackered too?! The baby is 9 months.

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despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 20:24

Anyone?!

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DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 17/09/2014 20:32

Dd1 went through an awful tantrum my stage at about 2.5 we had just moved house and had dd2.

What worked for us was during a tantrum I sat on the floor nearby and occasionally said "in ready here when you want me". It was very important I was on the floor at her level. Ususlly with the baby in my lap! Touching or talking to her made it worse. I never made her say sorry because I don't believe she understood what it meant at that age.

To reduce tantrums I found she needed "babying" and lots of physical affection and physical play. Cradling in my lap saying she was my "big baby". Tickling. Catch and grab and chase games. Carrying her in my custom mei tai sling etc.

Took about 3 days to see a reduction, then 2 months to get to barely a tantrum ever - down from several a day. And she now rarely needs "babying" but I keep up the physical play stuff - letting her get away, then catching and hugging/tickling etc.

Hope it helps, but they are all different, and dd was younger!

despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 20:53

That's really interesting thank you because so often he says 'I'm your baby aren't I? and will copy the baby's babbling etc. I do indulge this and say yes you're my baby, cradle him etc but perhaps I need to do more of it at the moment, perhaps the physical reassurance is what he needs. I will try that :)

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DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 17/09/2014 21:19

I think they need reassurance that they haven't been replaced - that they are still your baby as well as the new one - and that hurt and sadness just finds outlets elsewhere.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 17/09/2014 21:21

I reassured her that she was my big baby, while dd2 was my little baby, but they were both my babies :) even when she's big and old she will still be my baby :)

despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 22:04

Awwww it's heartbreaking isn't it?! Baby is a particularly demanding, colicky baby so often I'm having to hold her, soothe her etc and he must be feeling pushed out a bit. I'll try more TLC :)

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DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 17/09/2014 22:08

Let me know if it works? :)

despondentmummy · 17/09/2014 22:26

Will report back tomorrow :) we had a full on howling at the side of the road tantrum today as he wouldn't hold my hand (v v busy road so had no choice!) and another refusing to eat dinner, demanding a piece of bread instead so it's not been a good day. He's normally a great eater so it's v unlike him :(

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despondentmummy · 18/09/2014 20:29

Well I don't know if it's a fluke but today was better. I'm starting to realise, now that I think about, I'm touching the baby an awful lot more than DS, the baby is often crawling up me or being held...and thinking bout it DS is often watching from the sidelines...so today when I saw a potential melt down, I stopped what I was doing (even if it meant letting the baby whinge for a bit on the floor) and really cuddled and hugged DS. Bless him, he said 'Mama can you stay here like this for a bit?' !!!!! It only took a few minutes of fuss and then he seemed happier, and we had no melt downs today :) a much better day :)

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DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 18/09/2014 20:48

Awww fantastic :) hope it continues xx

DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 18/09/2014 20:51

Oh and something you might appreciate - dd2 is just taking her first steps so DP and I were getting her to walk from one to the other, as you do. Then dd1 wanted to "play" so cue a 3 yo tottering with arms outstretched for balance for a few minutes between us Grin she loved it. Previously I might have joked it off but actually it showed how much she needs to be included bless her Smile

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