At wits end with 5 yo dd behaviour, not normal!

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She has always been an 'extreme child'. Getting her to go to bed was always a nightmare, she seemed a lot more stubborn than your average child and every evening was like starting at square one again even though I remained consistent. When she was a toddler she would smear her poo on the walls at night, when she was a little over 3 she started wetting herself onpurpose if I gave her time out. Her tantrums were extreme. She is now nearly 6 and the behaviour has developed into spitting, poking and calling names and it seems as though it a vindictive and done with malice. She doesn't listen when me and oh try to reason with her or discipline her. There are improvements in behaviour based on rewards for a brief time only.

Yesterday I was on the loo and she came in saying she was desperate and I said "just one minute". So she went upstairs and weed on her bed and shrugged her shoulders saying "it doesn't matter there's a waterproof sheet on it".
Tonight has been the usual back chatting and rudeness and spitting. I'm afraid to say I am scared of losing control around her. I find myself fighting the urge to physically lash out at her. It has got to the point that I do not like her when she is like this.

On the flip side, she behaves fine on school, socialises well and is very caring and sensitive with her 1 year old sister.

Confused.com......and none have any ideas???

What provokes her extreme behaviour, or does it happen 'out of the blue'?

Not getting what she wants mostly. But more recently it's been more out of the blue. You will try and have a conversation and she just back chats constantly and then it develops into a full on battle.

As far as the verbal fencing goes, have you tried blanking her, when she starts back-chatting. I know from experience how difficult it is to stop things escalating, but when you have a strong-willed child angling for a fight, it sometimes takes the wind out of their sails if you just don't respond. You can tell her you're not going to discuss anything, until she's prepared to behave reasonably.

It sounds like she might be very bright. The weeing on the bed is extreme, but her justification is quite clever for a 5yr old! Maybe you could try calling her bluff by saying that she seems to have a problem with holding her wee, and you're thinking of making an appointment with the GP, who might be able to help her. It might ward off any future wee-related 'getting her own back'.

It's almost like she's got you on the back foot, and you need to be able to show her that two can play at that game!

Thanks for your advice!!!!! I will definitely try blanking the bad behaviour a lot more. It seems she wants reactions/attention continuously.

Meant to ask - is bedtime still the issue? Does most of this behaviour occur in the evening?

My dd was hard work at this age, I can remember at one point literally being on my knees in tears begging her to stop with the tantrums, constant rudeness, bad behaviour etc.

At one point she did get a smacked bottom not proud but I was pushed to the limit and it scared me and her no doubt. After that I resolved it wouldn't happen again and was much more aware of loosing my temper around her. The next time she pushed my buttons I stayed calm, told her what the consequences would be (a box of her favourite toys would be confiscated) and saw it through.

She is 8yo now and things are so much better, have kept my resolve and not smacked again.

The www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410900136&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk is really useful.

Tbh I would be visiting the gp for a camhs referral. It is outside the boundaries of usual behaviour to wee on a bed 'on purpose' because you couldn't access the bathroom for 1 minute, and the degree of 'high needs' seems extreme and is affecting your relationship. Kids do well when they can, and it sounds like there are lagging skills here that need investigating. That she does well in school isn't necessarily a sign that she can control it with ease. It isn't unusual for kids to hold things together in school and 'release' it all when they get home; in fact things get worse at home in consequence in some families. I hope things get better soon.