Billy no-mates?

[GooseyLoosey]

Apologies for sounding like obsessed neurotic parent, although probably am.

My ds is 3 and to me is the most gregarious child I have ever met. He will talk to adults all day and initiates conversations with complete strangers on a regular basis. However, I have recently observed him in situations with other children (he knows well) and they do not appear to want to play with him - if he wanders up to them, they wander away and he quickly gives up trying to play with them. He does tend to be quite aggressive with other children.

He looks so lonely, I feel terrible for him, but not sure how he feels. Am I worrying about nothing?

he's still so young, please do not worry. I can promise you that in a couple of years he will have loads of friends.

You said he looks lonely, does he FEEL lonely or are you projecting your feelings onto him?

Sometimes kids are absolutely fine and it is us that project our neuroses onto them (talking about me here!!!!!)

Thanks - think you are probably right. However, worry because I know he can be quite aggressive and don't want this to push other children away. I have actually heard other little boys saying that they don't like him and suggest that this is because he is bossy. Have tried to tell him not to be aggressive and to share more, but might as well be talking to a goldfish.

Maybe I just stop worrying and let him get on with it!

my ds is the opposite. He is nearly two and also v smiley with adults and older children, but with other toddlers he is very quick to back away from toys or at the park, esp if they are the confident type (rather than aggressive iyswim).

I'm torn between letting him be who he is and trying to get him to be more assertive with them.

I think in my ds's case it is partly because I am a SAHM and he is my only one atm, so he doesn't have to assert himself like that at home.

I think if your ds is actually aggressive (e.g. pushing or hitting) that's something to watch, but if he's just more confident he's possibly intimidating them unintentionally and it's going to be hard for him to change his manner iyswim at this age.

Can he hang out with kids who are more suited to his type of play?

He doesn't usually hit other kids as he knows that that is not allowed (although very occassionally will), however he does try and take charge of their games and will tell them what they are and are not allowed to do. He will also grab things off other children if he perceives that he has a "right" to them - ie he was playing with them first.

This is a real concern of mine as dh is very agressive and do not want ds to emulate his father. (Don't get me wrong - this is an attitude of dh's - he doesn't hit anyone).

um, hope this doesn't come out the wrong way - but is he copying an attitude he sees at home?

Hello,

I would not worry about it too much, as long as he is happy. He will eventually make friends and perhaps these other children are just not the right ones for him. He sounds confident and perhaps even a bit more mature than the others. Perhaps send him to activities such as football where he can mix with children slightly older and also can get physical & burn off aggression.
Also I suspect sporty activities is where you will find boys who enjoy a bit of aggression from other boys!

my ds2 is shy with adults but has an aggressive streak and hits his brother and friends when he gets frustrated. Def not copying this from home and ds1 is not like this at all.

BUT, he has found friends now who are as energetic and sporty as himself. They all find their way eventually (with a little guidance!)

Thanks all - no CarolinaMoon did not come out the wrong way, I think that this might be part of the reason my son acts the way he does and have said this to dh. Dh nods and agrees but does nothing to change the way he acts and it is very difficult to know what to do as the more I nag him about it the more he switches off.

Most children are still playing their own games whilst next to another child at this age, rather than interacting. Is your DS at pre-school yet? He'll soon settle in to a social life, he'll learn from other children how to play, how to ASK to play, what the rules of play are etc.

As long as he's happy and is spending time with other children I wouldn't worry. If you think his aggression/non-sharing is getting beyond the realms of normal behaviour then speak to a teacher or playgroup assistant etc.

Is he an only child? I've worked a great deal (and still do) with dd. As an only, she's accustomed to spending alot of time with adults, and doesn't have to share at home. I've tried to teach her to listen to others, take turns, let someone else have an idea/go first, etc. We don't have the aggression factor, but she's definitely opinionated and strong willed, so have to make real efforts to work on fitting in and letting someone else be the leader from time to time. School helps too.

Is your ds at school?

He is at pre-school and has been at nursery since 6 months old - 3 days a week. He has a younger sister who he organises at every opportunity. Have mentioned it to his nursery and they say they think things are OK - although to keep him engaged they have put him with the pre-schoolers since he was 2 which I'm not sure has helped. He has to be in charge of any game he is playing and cannot bear to do things another child's way. Should I just let him be him or should I keep interfering?

By the way, in case it doesn't come across I love him to bits and think he is generally amazing.

is the pre-school encouraging him to share and generally helping him along a bit?

Sorry to resurrect this but had an awful time at a playdate at the weekend and feel in need of advice/reassurance.

At the play date, he did everything he could to spoil the other (younger child's game) - if the other child wanted his train to go clockwise around (his) train track, ds made his train go anti-clockwise and would then hold his on the track to stop the other little boy playing. Similar issue with jig-saws. Was all for going home, but host mother persuaded me not to. Also watched him at children's birthday party yesterday and he ignored every other child there - although he did attempt to engage all of their parents in a game.

When I ask him about his friends he says "A, B, C and D are my friends and no one else. I don't like anyone else and I don't want to". However, when I have seen him play with A, B, C and D most of them (with one exception) seem to tolerate him rather than actually like him.

I worry that I spend the entire time some days telling him off and that his antisocial behaviour is a result of my rubbish parenting.

Goosey - this sounds soo familiar to me. My DH is also a verbally aggressive sort - extremely well liked, but is just very quick and very forthright. And guess what, my DS1 is the same - he is 4 now and started reception.

DS1 has lots of 'anti-social' behaviour that other children do not particularly like ( not sharing well, always making up the games, always making others follow the rules to the t, immediately making his mind up about someone) but gradually he is getting better and starting to make firm friendships.

But, we have said a million trillion times about what it means to have friends and what a friendship is. And if he has been upset that one of his friends had said they did not want to play with him due to something totally anti-social, we have just said " well do you blame them - how would you feel if they did x?"

Slowly but surely the message seeps through - but I have to say, it is still a theme it is just we can see light at the end of the tunnel now !