Has my daughter got something wrong?

[Chocolateismyprozac]

Hi there, I'm new here and wanted some advice. I am a mom of 4 children and my 3rd child is like nothing I've ever experienced before! She is a 6 year old beautiful, loving, non stop chatting character but has a side to her that leaves me stumped.
She was as good as gold until she hit 3 and then her personality seemed to change.
She always has to answer back, even though we tell her its un acceptable, she shouts, has angry meltdowns, talks in appropriately and never stops talking. Meltdowns are over the silliest things, the height of her socks, the milk in her breakfast, little things trigger it. She's been known to throw things, kick and hit.
We do the naughty step, reward charts, explaining things etc but nothing seems to work. Once she has recovered from the meltdown it's like nothing has happened.
I'm not daft, I know children can be trying, I have done it 4 times, my husband is amazing and we both follow the same rules, we correct rudeness, bad manners and follow basic parenting rules.
I've seen a family support worker who then left (not because of me! Lol!) and the school have had us in on a few occasions and supported us with sticker charts etc.
I guess I think she has something underlying and I'm worried there could me more I could do for her and I'm failing.

Any sensible advice would be gratefully received.

Hi there,

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to say I could have written your post, word for word. I also have 4 DCs, dd in question is my second and is 8. I love her very much but she is without a doubt harder work than the other three put together. She also struggles to fit in at school, has very few 'proper' friends, has anxiety issues and is often on the warning list at school. It's really getting me down and your post made me very teary. Let's hope someone comes along soon with the answers!

How is she at school?

Have you talked to her about it? Does she have any explanation for the meltdowns?

Hi.
We've been called into school because she shouts out in class but generally she is ok.
She's brilliant academically. Doing well in maths literacy and reading.
We talk rationally to her and softly and explain how her behaviour affects everyone but she can't explain her meltdowns. After them it's like nothing has happened.

Could you discuss with her if she sees any signs that 'red mist' is coming on? Perhaps if she can an arrangement could be made with her teacher whereby she is allowed to stand outside the classroom to calm down if a moment is approaching - some practice at home first, five minutes cool down before the melt down rather than naughty step after?

Thank you for all your suggestions. It's good to have input from other parents. I particularly like the comment about the reward chart! I've never thought of it that way. I'm going to start a new strategy. Thanks

I don't have much advice, but this was - is - my son, now five. He was about three and a half when he saw 'a fly' and began to scream. Bloodcurdling, unbelievable, nausea-inducing screams. That didn't stop. For about a year. Whether he saw a fly or just some fluff, whether it was - like you say - utterly pointless stuff like sock colours, a tree looking at him funny, the wind, all foods known to humankind, all activities... anything. I still feel quite traumatised by my attempt to take him to a children's activity day where he saw the happy kids and screamed. the. place. down.

The school identified a communication difficulty - he talks and talks, rather precociously (this is not a good thing) but refuses to listen to anyone else and just bawls over them. He doesn't keep on-topic, doesn't speak about relevant topics and often is in such a rush to babble and fill any silence that his words stopped making any sense. They seem to think he's making progress and everything's great.

I... don't know if I agree. He's 5 now and we have more good days than bad, I guess. Right now we're in a bad slump. He has no friends, as he demands everyone play his games and listens to him, and doesn't allow anyone else chance to speak. He seems to have no clue how hurtful he is to the other kids, no matter how many times we explain it and roleplay - he's still stuck in a mindset he's the only person on the planet who matters. I tried to make friends with school-gate mums, but the birthday invites never happened and they awkwardly shuffle off and avoid me, because he hits, and he's bitten.

I think these days I'm just going to wait it out until he's of an age he can actually process what I'm saying, and he'll have to change. He can't still be throwing hissy baby fits at 17 can he?

I read 'The Explosive Child'. I guess it fit him, in places, but you can't sit down and negotiate every single thing, from 'why are you crying about red socks' and 'I'm sorry you have 78ml of milk on your cereal instead of 82.5ml.'

My daughter is now eight and is very similar, she melts down a lot less now but when she was around the same age we had furious rages several times a week, also over the smallest things. She has improved a lot over the last year but we found that naughty step etc never worked because she would refuse to stay put. Heaping more punishments / time outs on her didn't make a difference. She would defiantly wait until after the ultimatum had passed and only after you'd said, right then, that's it, would she weep and wail and try to backtrack. I also found that once she was in that raging state there was no reasoning with her, she was out of control and quite enjoying it, in a way.
I tried to avoid getting to the point of a head-to-head confrontation because she would always have more determination than me to see it through to the bitter end. Once she was raging, I also offered the chance for a cuddle at frequent intervals - which she eventually accepted and calmed down. She felt awful about her behaviour as well but didn't have the skills to manage her feelings. I now try to say what I think she is feeling to help her recognise what's going on, even if she can't articulate them herself. Academically she's very literate, good at maths etc but I think emotionally she has needed a bit more time to grow up.

Chocolate did this to me as a child... so it might be worth keeping a food diary just to make sure that there's not a regular trigger for the behaviour.

DS started karate - and we got a karate pad that he can punch and kick when he's feeling completely frustrated and worked up about things - being able to get it out in a physical way can sometimes be quite helpful.