Concerns over a boy at DS1's primary school

[mandbaby]

My DS1 (4.11) has just started in reception at primary school. He absolutely loves it and the teacher has said some lovely things about him already. DS2 (3.3) has just started the pre-school there and I'm 39 weeks pg with DC3. The school is a 2 minute walk away (so super convenient - especially when heavily pregnant and soon with a newborn) and not only that it's been awarded Outstanding by Ofsted for the last 3 visits. Perfect.

However, there is one boy in DS1's class who has latched on to him and just wont leave him alone. Last week, the teacher took me to one side to tell me that the boy had punched DS1 in the face "several times" - completely unprovoked, and DS1 didn't retaliate. She said she saw the whole thing, apologised to me profusely and explained that there were "some issues" concerning the boy (she sort of hinted that he MAY have some learning/social difficulties) and that the boy was removed from the classroom and dealt with. She added that she was so glad that DS1 hadn't been wearing his glasses that day as she's certain they would have been broken by the power of the boy's punches. :(

Since then, DS1 has talked about other issues concerning the same boy (how he's pushed DS1 out of line whilst queuing for lunch, etc, how the boy has had to go "to the office" due to other poor behaviour in class. We've told DS1 that he must tell a grown up whenever the boy does "naughty".

This morning, whilst we were all on the playground waiting for the bell to ring, the boy made a beeline for DS1 as soon as he entered the playground, and started putting his hands in DS1s face and generally winding him up. DS1 was polite (as much as a 4YO can be) and asked to be left alone. The boy then tried taking DS2's cuddly toy off him and was following them both around, generally getting in their faces and winding them up. DS1 and DS2 tried their best to get away from the boy, but the boy obviously just sees it as part of the game. The boy then started to get more incessant, poking, pulling and smacking at DS1. DS1, who by this time had clearly had enough, then fought back. Once or twice prior to this, I'd asked DS1 to come and stand with me, but he wouldn't. He wanted to run around the playground with all the other children (totally understandable, right?). But when it reached this point, I ignored his tantrums and insisted he stand in the line with me until it was time to go into school. Only when DS1 started to stand up for himself did the boy's mother intervene. Prior to this, when she'd watched me go over on more than one occasion to ask DS1 to come and stand with me, she said and did nothing, despite her son CONSTANTLY being in the face of my boys.

One afternoon last week when I collected my boys from school/pre-school, the boy ran up to DS1 saying "hey! where do you think you're going!" DS1 turned around and said, quite assertively, "Away from YOU!". DS1 is normally very sociable and has never had trouble making friends so to see him at the age of 4 already making his mind up that this is a boy he doesn't want to be friends with was quite a surprise. That's how much the boy is obviously bothering him.

My hubby, who was already annoyed by the situation concerning this boy, is now telling me he wants us to change schools to one that's two miles across town. So instead of a nice 2 minute walk to an outstanding school around the corner, he wants me to get in the car (which, in a week or two will be with a newborn baby as well as DS1 and DS2) and drive to the other side of town where there's no guarantee that there wont be another boy (or girl!) just like the one that is constantly bothering DS1 now.

I mentioned to DS1s teacher this morning that there had already been some "uneasiness" with the boys on the playground today. She then said that her and the Teaching Assistant had noticed that DS1 and the boy were like "magnets" and drawn to one another. This may be the case. But from what I've seen, DS1 has tried to do his best to steer clear of the boy, but the boy wont give up.

What would you do?

How long would you give it before taking action such as moving school?

What options do we have?

I think moving school should be a last resort. Considered as a possibility but only when all other avenues have been exhausted.
Keep a written record of incidents.
Go and have a meeting with the teacher, if possible with your husband there too. If mine can't be there in person we use the schools wifi and he attends over Skype.
Your Dh doesn't have to do the school run presumably. I tend to take with a large pinch salt comments made by my husband about school runs/play dates etc as he is rarely involved in them.
Speak to your Ds try and get a good picture from him as to what is going on. Tell his to steal clear of this boy, if at all possible. He should seek help from adults rather than trying to solve the problems with this boys himself.
But definitely keep in contact with the school and emphasise you want a resolution to this.
Encourage play dates with other children so he has a group of friends he can find to play with.

Thanks, Heather.

Your advice is precisely what I was already thinking. DH is a teacher and knows all too well the politics that can go on in the playground, and I never thought he would be the type of parent to always side with the child rather than the school, but so far, that does seem how he is being (that maybe a harsh and incorrect observation).

No, he doesn't have to do the school run and probably never will. He leaves the house 90 minutes before we do, and doesn't return home until teatime most evenings.

Of course, if moving school's was the "right" decision and was best the best thing for my children then a 10-15 minute drive rather than a 2 minute walk wouldn't bother me, but I really don't think this action is necessary after only two weeks! Problem is, DHs mind, once made up, can be very difficult to change.

We have our first parents evening next week which we both intend to attend. However, DC3 is due this weekend so there's a good chance I wont be able to attend. I'm worried that if DH does end up going alone he'll take his pitchfork with him .

Another problem is getting information out of DS1. He's a very closed book when we ask him about school. I have more luck than DH getting info out of him, thankfully, so will do my best to try and find out what's going on and to remind him to tell a teacher if the boy is bothering him, rather than getting angry. However, DS1 is very head-strong and I worry sometimes that things we tell him go in one ear and out of the other.

I think I will definitely keep a log of what's gone on/been said.

I agree with Heather. You need to keep a log of incidents and be persistent with the school. Yes some children have issues that they can't help but the school should be doing everything it can to minimise the impact of this on other children.

I think it is pointless at this stage to move schools. As you say, there will more than likely be a child just like this one at the new school. You should only move when the school does not deal adequately with such children not because of the children themselves.

I wouldn't move schools yet. There may be equally difficult children at another school so you have to try and deal with it.

I agree that you need to write down all of the incidents and then request a meeting with the school and ask how they are going to deal with it.

My son had a problem with a child at his old primary school and, eventually, we agreed with the school that there was no way my son and this boy would ever get on, the two boys were banned from having anything to do with each other and told to keep away from each other. This had gone on for many years and the boys were in different years so it was possible and did help.

You need to go in to a meeting having considered what you want and what you think the school can realistically do about the situation.

You could check the school's policy on behaviour/discipline (should be on their website).

If the meeting with the school is not satisfactory, contact the chair of governors. Agree that moving schools is a last resort.

Moving schools at this point would be a massive overreaction. That boy clearly has issues but the school are aware of it and are keen to sort it so really it's being dealt with in the best way possible. Having been a teacher it seems to me that the boy's behaviour is very difficult, but not particularly rare - it is normal enough to have a "challenging" child in every year group. It's pretty certain that even if he moved he would at some point in his school life encounter a similar sort of child.

It's interesting that the TA says they are "drawn" to each other. I have seen this happen a lot with children - where two particular children annoy the living daylights out of each other yet cannot seem to leave each other alone. It is intensely annoying as a teacher as apart from physically standing between them at break time it's hard to keep them apart yet when they do get together it inevitably ends in tears. I wouldn't be too quick to think your DS is blameless in all this. I've seen outwardly polite, kind children be quite goady in very subtle ways to less well-behaved children - they seem to get a kick out of the reaction and out of the fact that no one blames them for the inevitable trouble. Tell DS that if he can't play nicely with this boy he absolutely must stay away from him and to tell the teacher if the boy won't leave him alone.

Reserve judgement for now.