10 yo ds keeps going out without permission!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sleepysooz]

I am at my wits end, my ds keeps leaving the house without permission, sometimes not returning till its getting dark! we have twins nearly 3 yo so can't go running around looking for him, and apart from locking all the doors, which is hard as the twins are playing outside usually.
We have tried banning toys/games/activities, we have grounded him but still he does it! he just doesn't care what punishment is given, if he wants to do something that much he will do it! I've explained the dangers, but he just thinks nothing will happen to him.
We keep him occupied with afterschool activites, my dh golfs with him, and I do karate with him, so he has 1T1 attention from both of us.
He is claustrophobic, dyslexic and dysphraxic and is a generally 'Explosive child'
This behaviour is usually when I am at work, so my dh is left in a turmoil, contacts me and then I have to sort out (whilst working) but he has done it whilst I am at home on a couple of occasions.
The only consolation I have now is that the dark nights are drawing in and I will lock all doors and hide key!
Help!!!!!! anybody any tips

I never give open threats, I say something it goes, so he knows I mean it when given a punishment!

when you say without permission, does he ask, get told no and then go anyway or does he just absent himself silently?

Doesn't really matter, it happens both ways! he asks to go to a friends house and if I have said no for a valid reason, he will still sneak out, or he will just sneak out thinking I will say no anyway!

He is allowed out so its not as if he doesn't get any freedom, and I only say no if he's got something on that night and has to eat on time, or I am at work and he knows he's not allowed out then!

Only last week I had grounded him going out when I was at work, and he snook out of the house when his dad was in charge and dh phoned me at work, I had to drop everything,(dh had twins to look after, so ds thought he could sneak out without being noticed) luckily I guessed where he would be! but it was dark when he got home! so now he's grounded for 3 weeks, that is not acceptable behaviour and is down right dangerous!

Sleepycat - Good idea, will try that one,thank you!

DS not always at friends house, a couple of weeks ago he was just talking to people on the streets, which I find more distressing, he did know them, but just the thought that he is missing freaks me!

shocking how a 10yr old thinks he can leave the house whenever he fancies just shocks me (i must be very naive) and i only have girls i know boys are different altogether and of course it depends where you live and what hes used to etc.

i think i would be very harsh with punishment tbh, when you ground him does it still sneak out?

if so then its not having any effect and if he's only doing it when your dh is in charge then it sound slike your dh needs to be firmer (like you, when you say, it goes)

if it were me id start with taking away anything he really wants could be golf, karate, pocket money, playstation/ ds whatever. or bed early, missing a tv prog. whatever it is i know will affect him.

sleepsooz, you must be so worried! I have a DS who is 10, and I would be frantic if he left the house when he had been told not to.

I can only assume what I would do in that situation, but I think I would have to take fairly drastic action to make him realise how serious this is.

I think I would tell him that if he went out again without permission then he would lose everything from his room except his bed until he learnt that this behaviour is unacceptable.

If he did not heed this warning, then I would remove his things.

He would have to earn back his possessions by behaving appropriately.

Your son needs to be aware that there is not only his own safety to consider, but also that of your twins.

He also has to know that causing disruption for you when you are at work is unacceptable.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can for him, with one to one time with you and your DH, plus clubs etc. I'm sure he gets lots of positive praise from you too.

I know my suggestion might sound harsh, but it is not safe for a 10 year old to be out without you knowing where he is.

He may be quite 'streetwise', and my 10yo goes out locally alone, but I know mine would not be able to cope in an emergency.

Mind you, I completely appreciate that it is easy to give advice, but a totally different matter when it is your own child.

I was just trying to think of what I would do if I needed to give DS1 a big enough shock to make him realise that he had to stop leaving the house without permission. My DS loves his bedroom, and his 'things' (books, cd collection, dragon ornaments etc), so I think that removing them would be the ultimate shock for him.

Reading this thread back, I am aware it sounds a bit 'preachy', but that was not my intention - I think I'm just having trouble expressing myself this evening!

I don't think to punish is the key, it obviously hasn't worked so far. It is sad that nowadays children are not allowed the freedom they once had. When I was ten I was always out in the street playing, and now people have to feel they have much more control over their kids. Gone are the days when kids could have good healthy fun exploring, climbing trees etc. we all now imagine that kids are going to get involved in illegal/dangerous activities.

Severe punishment is only going to increase anger and resentment. Yes, your son needs discipline, but 'discipline' means 'teach'. He needs to have something stimulating and positive to do. How about him joining a club/asking where he's going. I think more trust needs to develop on both sides. I'm all for giving kids more freedom as long as they tell you where they're going etc. Fear and locking in won't work.

I think Lulamum is right about building up trust.

The OP does say that her son is already allowed out, but that he also goes out when he is asked not to.

I still think my first actions would be to show DS that he cannot leave the house against his parent's wishes without there being consequences for this behaviour.

bump

thank you all for you help and suggestions, I can say he has always had enough 1T1 attention, he has plenty of afterschool activities, and plenty of time-out of the house with friends, no he is not streetwise, its only this summer that I have allowed him to go to friends houses (during the day) and he has always come back on time, he is not allowed out unless he is going somewhere, and he has to inform us of where it is he is going, its just since he has been back at school that this problem has occured!

He has also gone off without telling me before so its not just with DH - the dangers are always explained to him.

He doesn't really play with toys, his bedroom is empty apart from his playstation which is always banned when misbehaved, along with his friends visits and activities!

He never goes far, all his friends live close, but its still unnacceptable behaviour in our eyes to go out without permission or at least telling us where he is going! last time he took the home cordless phone out with him, so we couldn't phone round to find him, luckily my DH had his mobile charge up and phoned me at work!