Angry behaviour from 7 year old.

[Missymoomum]

I've been really undecided about whether to write this post as but i'm absolutely at my wits end so here goes.For the last couple of months my 7 year old DS has been having some very angry and aggressive episodes which are completely out of character for him. It started just before the end of the summer term and was particularly bad during the last half of the summer holidays as he wanted to go back home (we currently live abroad and he wanted to come back to the country we're living in at the moment as he missed his toys). Since we've been back these angry episodes are getting fewer but when they happen they're more intense to the extent that he tries to hurt myself, DH and DD. They can happen at any time and are very random in that there are times when you think they're going to happen and he manages to control his feelings and then other times he blows up. The trigger is when he doesn't get his own way or things don't go as he hoped they would, so are always related to frustration. He's also very anti his younger sister at the moment and she certainly can't do anything right in his eyes. Sometimes he will quickly bring himself back under control and other times it can take him 20 mins or so and i end up having to restrain him sometimes.
Clearly there is something going on and i've tried talking to him but he's not a child that expresses his feelings very well. He is generally such a lovely boy and very sensitive and it breaks my heart to see him get like this but i'm terrified that if we don't nip this in the bud then it could really escalate. I just feel like i'm really failing him and could really do with some advice or help.

I know that it's upsetting and baffling when a child acts out of character but don't lose heart. Even 'good' kids push boundaries.

You have identified frustration is a trigger. Acting out is often an attempt to seize control at times of stress or imminent change. Unless he has developed problems at school ie bullying his peers, so far he has limited throwing his weight around to the family, superiority over the weakest, ( his little sister).

Moving, a new school, a baby on the way, loss of a grandparent, one parent suddenly working away from home a lot or a home going up for sale and uncertainty about the new home can be unsettling. Or something apparently trivial. What seems like no big deal to us can be very much a big issue to a child.

When DS is calm try and have another go at talking. Striking up conversation can seem a bit phoney so, much as parents of teens do, have a go at airing topics while in the middle of a chore. Driving, or mucking out guinea pigs, or emptying the dishwasher. Or slapping paint on a big sheet of paper can reveal some anxieties.

"Little pitchers have big ears" they overhear snatches of adult conversations then dwell on issues and panic inwardly. Or we present them with a new idea, tell them how fantastic and exciting it is, without letting them digest and accept it, so they fret it's not all right and can't voice apprehension.

Ask his teacher how he is behaving at school. If you think this behaviour is now spilling into school life see if you can arrange some paediatric counselling but if there's a big move in the near future I appreciate that may not be possible.

Hi Donkeys, thank you for your reply., what you wrote was very interesting. Certainly our future in the country we're in at the moment has been very uncertain recently and we were expecting to leave this summer but haven't so when it all started at the end of last term i put his behaviour down to that. However we're now here for another year and I thought that would bring him some stability but possibly in his mind it's still troubling him because he knows that in the near future we will be leaving.
Fortunately it hasn't spilled in to school and he has a strong friendship group and gets on very well with them and his peers, it is just confined to us! I do regularly try to chat about it when we're doing something else but he usually changes the subject!! I also make sure I praise his good behaviour.

Praising good behaviour is great, keep calm and carry on!

DS might get a feeling of power for want of a better word if he arouses an emotion in you eg anger. For example, if he persists in a newly acquired and tiresome habit he may do it partly because it winds you up. So pick your battles.

What would happen if you ignore him when he is raging? Just walking off and doing something else in another room? Or do you have somewhere he can go to calm down where he can't damage things, and leave him there to calm down?

In the event of an outburst and one that leads to him attacking property or people, you need to have immediate consequences.

Don't argue or explain when a rule is being enforced, don't participate in arguments. No emotional outburst. Because if you talk, argue, or show emotions, he'll continue to try something that has worked in the past.

Give one explanation, if necessary, then start to count. If the behaviour has not stopped by the count of three, he gets an appropriate consequence.

Eg computer or game time is a privilege, screen time could be rationed. Or grounding might work, his punishment could be being banned from going outside, the length of time dependent on what he did? Or no bedtime story?

My 7 year old son gets very angry as well so I feel your pain - the oddest thing seems to set him off. I have just started reading "how to talk so your kids will listen......" and the first chapter is about identifying feelings . So when my son starts getting angry I say "you seem so angry right now " and it normally defuses the situation . I really didn't think it would work buy it really dies. Good luck.