ds2 driving me nuts. do i grit my teeth and wait it out?

[NappiesGalore]

hi,

have 3 boys; 3.4, 2.2 and 8mths. so; v close in age, which has lots of plusses and a few not so good bits.
thankfully, for them, me and the prison/psychiatric services, i have a mothers help young lady who helps me out with them 5 days a week, but i am SAHM and it is my job to decide how they are treated (for want of a better word!) dp supports me, on the whole.

SO; question is:
middle one is in that delightful stage where he just completely ignores direct instructions whether said calmly, repeated endlessly, clearly, in connection with threats, bribes or even yelled.

eg - "ds2, stop sitting on your little brother, its hurting him" or "ds2, stop throwing your toys, you'll break them"

hes almost alsways cheerfully enjoying whatever it is hes doing, and giving a slightly comical running commentary to boot ("i frow tractor" - to which i want to reply: i'll throw you in a minute you annoying little rat! obviously, i do not. say it or do it, i mean)

v against smacking, so dont even suggest that, and time outs seem to have the effect of freaking him out (cue wild blood-curdling screaming) but not even close to getting point across. explanations fall on deaf ears, he doesnt seem to know what im talking about. i think the punishment distracts him from what hes done, rather than deters him from doing it again.

So what do i do? just keep physically going to him, stopping the action and saying "no ds2, i dont want you to do that" or words to that effect? it will work eventually, right?

i think ds1 had a similar phase, but cant remember (even tho it was prob only a year ago)

too tired (physically and emotionally) to trawl through archives for the answer, so advice welcome. ta!

My dd similar age. When she is doing something we don't like we tell her to stop or she will have to go away. If she doesn't stop we just put her outside the room and shut the door. She screams and initially quite often used to deliberately wet her knickers. We then go out and make friends with her after a couple of minutes having told her (to reinforce) that although we love her very much we don't want to be around her when she is doing something naughty like X/Y/Z. Now she listens when we give her the warning and usually stops.
Other thing I do is make a real effort to pick out specific things she does well to praise her about like helping me empty dishwasher or pick up her pens etc.
I think repeatedly telling them 'no' doesn't make much impact as it is attention. You need to reduce the attention they get when they're being naughty and praise them loads and loads when they're being good.

thank you sallyrosie. wise words indeed.
unfortunately hes so laid back, he wouldnt give a monkeys if i put him out the room, hed just go look for something else to do. he only reacts to being put 'in his room' because hes seen ds1 doing it, so thinks thats whats done.
but youre right. more attention when good, less when bad.
ive been better at doing it since posting, even if i didnt get any replies! sometimes you just need to vent, eh. he'll get thru it in time so long as we're consistent. hurrah for little angels, eh? how would i know any of this stuff otherwise?? not from my blinkin mother, thats for sure!

cheers, tho!