Defiant toddler - is this normal?

[Iconfuseus]

Hi All,

I'm getting a bit worried about my son's behaviour. He is 2 years, 9 months old.

He has become very defiant. If I ask him to tidy up a toy he will not. If I tell him not to run off in a shop he won't listen for example. We tell him off, explain why he shouldn't do whatever naughty thing he is doing. He seems to listen and say sorry, but then he will do it again almost straight away.

Sometimes things escalate so badly that I have to threaten to take a toy away from for the day. We tell him it will be taken away and he will not be allowed to play with it until the next day. This usually works as we followed through with it once so he knows we are serious.

This only works when we are at home, can't do it when we are out obviously.

He goes to nursery a few times a week, just for a morning, which includes a lunchtime meal.

When we picked him up the last time we found out that he'd been quite naughty. He had refused to sit down at first. Then he refused to eat his lunch. For some reason he apparently then started snatching the forks off the other children and threw his own fork on the floor.

Apparently the staff member separated him out and told him that wasn't acceptable behaviour. He was pretty upset when we came to pick him up.

I'm pretty horrified by what happened. I don't expect him to always eat what is on offer, but I'm not happy that he is snatching. I'm also not happy about the general pattern of not doing what he is told.

I'm not sure how else to tackle it, other then by what we are already doing. I realised pretty quickly that he is a strong willed child but I'm terrified of him becoming a brat that nobody likes.

The nursery staff said not to worry, but I do worry that they say that just to pacify me because I'm 'customer'. Also when we did pick up one of the nursery staff picked him up and realised his bottom was wet. It was water not wee because he'd been playing in the water pit, but I think they were worried I'd be cross because they'd missed it (I wasn't, I'm a realist and I understand that kids get messy) and they were being extra nice because of it.

Anyone else been through this? Does this seem like normal toddler behaviour or is it a bit more? I'm an anxious person so I worry if I'm overreacting.

Sounds pretty normal to me.

You are doing well giving clear boundaries and following through on consequences.

Toddlers have bad days, they get tired, hungry, want more attention, decide they want to do something they can't, feel frustrated, need to burn more energy off, etc and behaviour goes to pot.

They soon learn saying sorry is expected, but can't always resist impulses to do the same thing again. When he acts up, try distracting him with a useful task (in the shops when he wants to run off, make him mummies helper who has to hold onto the trolly to show you were the things you need are, or when he refuses to tidy make it a race to see who can get all the things back in e box first - whatever works).

2.9 is pretty young to be really behaved all the time

Sounds pretty normal to me.

DD is 2.6 and has some wonderful defiant moments but they are usually when she is tired and/or hungry so I do my best to avoid them by keeping her meals and naps as regular as possible and taking her out when she is at her best.

I suppose they're called the terrible twos for a reason.

Ha sounds like my dd.

To be honest, telling her not to stuff doesn't work much. It is better to distract, tell her what she can do and tell her in simple terms what she is feeling - so she can eventually tell me.

Sounds normal to me too. My dd is a little terror a lot of the time!

The two word phrase 'defiant toddler' is like saying 'salty ocean' or 'hot sun'. It just goes with the territory

Was he previously very placid? Most kids go through a defiant phase at some point and he could just have been having a bad day at nursery too. It doesn't sound like worrying behavior to me in any case.

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better now.

snatching forks off other kids isn't that bad. No hitting/ biting involved. He sounds totally normal and like you have the measure of him better than I do my 2.7yo

To be honest, for a 2 year old sounds on the rather well behaved side of normal! My 2.5 year old bites, kicks, hits, pinches, scratches etc. when frustrated or angry!