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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to help dd1 who just started reception and seems to be struggling

10 replies

Girlsville · 10/09/2014 20:27

I'm after some handholding as finding it difficult with dd1 who has just started reception. She is a very seet , sensitive girl - quiet until she feels confident but when she feels secure then really opens up and is then very confident. I was very worried how she would deal with starting school and the new environment, but she went in very happily on the first day, no tears, and is excited to go every day.

I am feeling very sorry for her though as the school has a nursery year but dd1 didn't go to the nursery so doesn't know anyone, and is struggling I think to make friends as the other children are playing with those they were friendly with before. Dd1 has let behind a few lovely friends from her nursery, and I think she is missing them. She says she can't remember who she played with, or that she didn't play with x or y as they already have friends. I am heartbroken for her. I'm conscious I am very emotional as we have a 4 week old dd3 and so I am exhausted.

She is also exhausted at the end of the day and we have a lot of tears / being cheeky / defiant from about 430 onwards until bedtime. I know it's early days, and she is dealing with lots of change given the new baby too, but I just wonder how best toget through this transition period to make it as easy for her as possible. I feel so sad thinking of her without friends, and although she seems happy there her behaviour at home suggests she is overwhelmed.

Dd2 on the other hand started at the nursery of dd1s school this week and seems to have had no reaction at all!,

Any tips gratefully received....

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fififrog · 10/09/2014 20:49

I can't really help but what you describe re playing with other kids is exactly what my DD would say every time I picked her up from nursery after she moved into the pre-school room. It went on for about a month and I was on the verge of making an appt with her key carer when she came home and told me she had played with George/Bruce/Mabel/whoever and things gradually got better after that. It's a major change in her life and there are so many new faces I must be overwhelming, but I wouldn't worry yet!

fififrog · 10/09/2014 20:50

PS easy to say when it's not your DC, I know...

sunnyrosegarden · 10/09/2014 20:59

I think it all sounds quire normal, and she will be fine in time.

My eldest also started in a school in reception and didnt know anyone. He watched for a while, but after a few weeks he relaxed into it and made friends.

The tiredness is very normal. I still (years 6 and 3 now), do drink, snack, chat after school, then send them to chill out (before homework and clubs...).

You can do early tea and bath and then just read in bed, play, tv etc.

ashtrayheart · 10/09/2014 21:02

My 2 youngest often say they 'didn't play with anyone' when I know they definitely do! I think that is quite common. I would ask the teacher/ta whether she is with anyone at playtime.

MrsFlorrick · 10/09/2014 21:09

It's hard for them. My DD started last year. She was the youngest in her class (end of July baby). She had been to pre school but only 3 sessions per week whereas most of her classmates had been full time nursery for a couple of years.

DD was also shy and quiet.

DD now has lots of friends and is very confident and happy. Loves school.

I can only recommend really early dinner (I would literally put dinner on the table before 4:30pm) and straight up to bath so she is in bed being cuddled and read a story before 6pm.

It sorted out DDs late afternoon meltdowns and bad behaviour.

By Christmas she was used to it and less tired so dinner was moved back to a more conventional time.

It was easy for me as I had DD and DS who was only 2 at the time so he was quite ready for early bed.
You've got an older DD. Could she eat early but then come back downstairs for a later snack with you after you've put the two little ones to bed?

Hang on in there. She will be less tired in a couple of months and she will make friends much sooner.

SomeSleepPlease · 10/09/2014 21:11

It sounds as though you are very busy. I would suggest some alone time to play or read with dd1 (maybe bedtime after the younger ones are asleep). my dd likes to voice what is going on in her life through small world play. you could make a little classroom with playmobil size people to start to talk about the situation. The great thing about using this is dd never has to admit that is how she is feeling and she can openly discuss her feelings without having to say that they are hers. She must only be 4/5 years and it is a very mature ability to openly discuss what it is that is worrying you (some adults have not mastered this). One other thing I would say is don't say it will all be ok and it will get better. Children are so used to this response. I would tell her about your own experience of reception. What you found hard, scary etc. and then stop ….. give her space and time to process the information and ask you questions, hopefully she will see the similarities and ask you how your problems were resolved. It might open the floodgates and all the information you were desperate for is freely spoken about. Knowing that it is not just her that feels that way will help her a lot and then finally you can put your happily ever after ending into your story. If you tell her that her situation will just get better with time she is less likely to keep you updated about as it is so hard to tell people that you have not achieved the expected result.

Heels99 · 10/09/2014 21:13

They are all tired and grumpy at this stage. My dd was in similar situation, didn't know anyone, they all were at nursery together plus she was without her twin for the first time. It took her a while to even learn names and would say nobody played with her etc. At half term very different picture. Do speak to the teachers if you are worried it does help.

SomeSleepPlease · 10/09/2014 21:19

i have just read the other messages and also completely agree with what is said. It will get better with time. Transitions are incredibly hard and your dd is dealing with two at once. Reception can leave children over stimulated and exhausted so getting dinner, bath etc over early is a good idea leaving a longer quiet time. your dd will have a key worker (E.Y.F.S framework) and they will help support dd's personal, social and emotional development so if you are really worried it could help having a chat with them.

RummidgeGeneral · 10/09/2014 21:20

Something I used to do when my kids were young and were feeling a bit wobbly about school was to put their imaginary 'love cloaks' on in the morning. We used to have a chat about what colour they wanted it to be, material, whether it had fake fur on it etc. The final thing would be for me to put up the imaginary hood up on it. Completely bonkers of course, but the kids really liked it. I think it did make them feel a bit more secure about going to school.

Original poster

Girlsville · 10/09/2014 21:36

Thanks so much everyone. Such good advice above.

It's hard not to worry as even though she is really excited about a lit of the new things she is doing there and she races in in the morning, her behaviour at hone shows me it is hard for her.

I said to dh that I just want to protect her forever.

In the meantime she told me she and another girl have a club with a secret password so I guess she is starting to speak to others slowly slowly.

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