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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Gah! Wits end. Dd not washing

22 replies

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:12

Its a part if a bigger issue tbh. It's driving us insane and I'm starting a parenting course next week ( though I believe family counselling is in our near future)

Anyway. Dd (11) has quite bad body odour. She has tried a range of deodorants and found the sure maximum 48 hour works... For about 18 hours.

Its half an hour before school, she's in her uniform, watching tv and REFUSING to get washed. It's usually done the night before but she fell asleep while I was putting baby to bed.

She has PE today and they dont get a shower afterwards.

It's only the second week of high school and I'm worried that she will be picked on/lose potential friends /get a "bad name" if she isn't careful :(

She has said herself how uncomfortable it is sitting beside smelly people but she's still refusing ( well, actually she's saying she did wash, but I know she didn't)

Any ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Trollsworth · 10/09/2014 08:15

Switch the fuse box off to every room except the bathroom. It goes back on when she is clean.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/09/2014 08:18

No tv and no breakfast til she appears washed and dressed.

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:18

Genius!

OP posts:

RJnomore · 10/09/2014 08:22

Tv gets unplugged for a start but if she refuses to wash, and you have explained that she will smell, so be it.

Does she have a smaller (or even better older) sibling who can go into the room wrinkle their nose and ask what th smell is?

MrsMinton · 10/09/2014 08:22

Also if it's bad body odour then she needs to wash morning and night to remove old deodorant and sweat. Does school have a mentor? They might be able to approach the subject with her if you think that would help.

losthermind · 10/09/2014 08:25

I have a similar problem with DD 11, I make her wear a 48 hour roll on then make her spray right guard 72 hour over herself, her body odour was horrendous, and I would have to have screaming fights with her to have a shower and keep clean, I was actually called into school once because her body odour was so bad, it was really embarrassing, in my case her lack of hygiene was just through laziness and too busy watching something or on her laptop,tablet or phone..... So I started confiscating things , it was the only leverage I had to make her conform!!!! She has got much better with her hygiene, only needs a little reminder

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:32

Should also have said, she has form for lashing out. Even when infant sibling in vicinity :(

Tv off at fuse box( thanks for that idea!) but she just started screaming.

She has done everything inc brushing hair which is usually a big issue as her hair is thick and wavy and always tats at the back. ( I gave her a genuine well done for that)

I went into her primary school once and spoke to her lovely HT and she said her own son was the same but then he all of a sudden started doing it himself and she can't get him out of bathroom now as he's fixing hair, overloading on lynx etc. Was somewhat of a comfort then but not now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:34

Losthermind - she is current on a small technology ban ( phone, laptop, iPod) anyway. It seems its not much of an incentive.

OP posts:

Ehhn · 10/09/2014 08:34

What about baby wipes or similar? And stick with the TV off at the fuse box! That is a truly genius idea.

SavoyCabbage · 10/09/2014 08:38

My dd (10) has a shower every morning as she would smell otherwise. There is no time for tv as we are too lazy to get up early.

Maybe you could work out with your dd what time she needs to get up in the morning if she wants to watch TV and what time she needs to get up if she doesn't and kept her decide. My dd has a list of what she has to do as she's hopeless.

Shower
Teeth
Hair
Make bed
Shut all drawers

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:42

Well, she's away to school, unwashed. Feel awful! Didn't even hug her goodbye which I wish I would have done for long term benefits re general behaviour.

Wish we could go back and start over at age 5!

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 10/09/2014 08:49

Do they not talk about personal hygiene at school? My dd's teacher talked to them about it in year 4 and I noticed that this year (year 5) it says in the swimming lessons letter from school to bring your deodorant.

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:52

I was up at 7.30 and she had already got herself up, dressed and breakfast! ( which is a huge deal. Wouldn't have happened this time last year) so I should be very grateful for that. In fact, now I've typed it I feel a bit calmer! She has made big leaps since Christmas. Shouldn't get so bogged down with the washing thing. ( but will still insist on shower straight after school- not looking forward to it!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 08:54

I'm not sure savoy. They had " the talk" in primary but I was in hospital having just had dd2 so sitting in on the talk wasn't possible and I never really asked what they talked about! (Dd started puberty quote early so we had already had the chats!)

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/09/2014 08:56

If she has a good bath or shower in the evening, she will just need to do teeth and a quick spray of deodorant in the morning - unless she has a very hot bedroom/thermal pjs. Could it be that it would suit her better to have a good wash in the evenings?

SavoyCabbage · 10/09/2014 09:02

Ours was more a 'have a shower and wear clean clothes' one, probably as the teacher was aware that some of the dc had started to smell. I know dds current teacher has a can of deodorant next to the door.

Momagain1 · 10/09/2014 09:26

Not wanting to deal with the results of puberty, not wanting to admit their body is changing, can be a thing at this age. Painful as it is, leave it for the rest of the week. Let it reach the point of, hopefully a friend or teacher she likes telling her she stinks. This weekend, you and her go out to Boots or Lush and indulge in a supply of stuff that is gaggingly pergumed (lynx for girls, as it were) that no one else in the family can use. Get a shower basket so she can keep it safe from siblings.

You could take it so far as a new haircut (oh god, hair products! ) or letting her get her face done at the make up counter, and even maybe allowing mascara that she can wear for parties (which she wil sneak and wear to school).

If she has no interest in any of that, and this continues, it may be a sign of depression or that she is already being harassed or ignored and is using stinkiness as a cloaking device, creating an excuse for why her social life is gone wrong. But more than likely its a short term issue driving her to make you fuss and get angry, that can be smothered with a big dose of positive attention.

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 09:48

She has mountains of "smellies" that myself and a few female family members and friends have gifted to her or taken her shopping for. Mostly sitting unused.

I'm surprising her with a pamper night tomorrow night (DP working late)

I do think its a mix of laziness and wanting attention. I'm finding it hard to be enforcing house rules and still be affectionate and giving positive attention when she's in a furious rage ( I have bruises and a small fracture from her)

I have to go out now. Thanks for all your replies. I'll read through them later

OP posts:

Trollsworth · 10/09/2014 11:07

Ok, having a fracture from your child isn't normal. I would contact your doctor. Does she have any issues with her friendships at school?

gottasmile · 10/09/2014 14:56

I really really sympathise

I have a ds who refuses to wash. This morning I told him to go and wash himself and instead he got dressed, stinking of body odour.

He then proceeded to really yell aggressively at me that he wouldn't do it which unfortunately reduced me to tears.

He knows he doesn't smell nice but just doesn't care. He is lazy so will do anything to avoid washing. But the yelling and defiance is grinding me down.

I think it's best if I get dh to force him into the shower every evening, as he responds to dh better. If he still has b.o in the morning, (as he sometimes does even though I've taken his duvet off the bed) I'll have to let it go.

Do you have a dp who can help you with this issue?

Original poster

Bluecarrot · 10/09/2014 19:13

She's pretty quiet in school and no real issues. In fact she was made head girl last year.

When I was pregnant the hitting stopped so I know she can stop herself.

She's been sweet as pie since coming home. In need of a wash but will broach the topic after she finishes homework.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 10/09/2014 19:21

I can't get DS (17) to have a daily shower no matter how hard I try.he got very upset with the confrontation, he has AS.Unbelievably he doesn't seem to smell though I don't understand why. He has a bath once a week.

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