5 year old temper tantrums

[peanutbutterhoney]

I'm at the end of my tether with my 5 year old son and wondering if we need to seek outside help for him but thought I would try the wisdom of Mumsnet first. I would be very grateful for any ideas! This may be long, sorry.

For background, my just-turned 5 year old is the middle of 3, he has always been more reserved socially than the other two, takes a while to warm to people and doesn't express his emotions easily. But once you earn his trust, he is your best friend for life - very sweet and loving. He absolutely dotes on his younger sister and really takes care of her and is always thinking of things she would like. He is funny, sensitive to the feelings of others and engages emotionally. We are a normal happy family otherwise and no issues with the other two (or with this one until a few months ago).

He started having these outbursts a few months ago, where he would lose his temper over something fairly small and just go into a blind rage, kicking, hitting, biting anyone who came near him. The only thing we could do was put him in his room where he would throw things, break things and scream for between 5 and 45 minutes depending on the day. We figured it was a phase and he would grow out of it.

We have recently moved countries. On the face of it, he says he is happy we moved and likes his new school better than the old etc. However, these outbursts now happen almost every day. The slightest thing will set him off - e.g. I forget to let him open the front door when we come home. He then starts screaming, throws himself on the ground and becomes completely unmanageable. This morning he deliberately smashed a glass of water on the floor. He is tall for his age and strong, so I am really afraid he will do something really extreme and hurt himself or someone else one day. He becomes literally like a wild animal. We have tried: hugging him, talking to him, ignoring him, putting him in his room, letting him throw things, everything. Nothing seems to make a difference. Eventually he calms down and acts like nothing has happened. He will usually apologise (when prompted) and say he won't do it again. By this time I am so exhausted and emotionally drained I don't know how to react to him - do I punish him? Do I move on? I know he can't really control himself when he's like this but I also don't want him thinking it's okay to behave like this and to hurt people. I have tried talking to him when he's cam and he says he doesn't want to behave like that and he is sorry.

So what do we do? I know the move doesn't help and it is taking him a while to make friends at school. I haven't yet spoken to his teacher but I am fairly sure he doesn't act like this at school. But things feel like they're getting worse. Anyone have any experience of this? How do we deal with him? Wait for it to pass, or seek help now? I don't even know where I'd begin to find help in this new country...

Any advice welcome! Thank you and sorry it's sooo long...

Bump.... Anyone? :-(

I have a similar 3 year old, so am watching with interest. It's hard isn't it :(

Yes kd73 it is very hard. Sorry that you are going through similar although I think it's more normal at 3?

Tbh I think a lot of this could be feeling unsettled in your new home. He could have appeared to take it all in his stride but now he can't very well articulate his frustration at change.

You say you haven't yet mentioned these difficulties to his current teacher. Why not asking whether in fact he has displayed any awkward behaviour recently. Did he have any such problems at his last school?

This could simply be about getting attention. If children don't get "positive" attention, (a parent playing & reading with them) they will play up in order to get "negative" attention. He's the middle child of three and you have your work cut out making sure you're spending enough quality time with them all. Any possibility you or DH can spend more time just with him? Try not to view it as rewarding bad behaviour by indulging him with fun - you're trying something new. Think carrots, not sticks.

Conversely, if he is having an epic paddy, make sure there's nothing breakable in range and withdraw. Do not fuel the fire by trying to reason with him. Cut off the fuel (ie your attention) and explain calmly if he isn't going to listen to you there is no point in you being in the same room or repeating yourself.

A big factor at this age is tiredness. If he's over-tired, an earlier bed time might help. In addition, if he doesn't get enough physical activity during the day, he may find it harder to get to sleep and will probably misbehave the next day, so it goes on.

I found my two could be grumps after school because of hunger or thirst so if it's a low blood sugar issue at home time, a little snack could help.

If your DS had these violent outbursts and temper tantrums in other settings I might consider whether he had ADHD. Although a bright little boy he would have problems with adequate stimulation and incline quickly to boredom through being unable to settle down to an activity or listen properly. He'd be unable to manage and control his emotions. He'd have a firm sense of justice, no grey areas. It is a genetically inherited condition so either you or DH might have similar traits. But I am no expert and it sounds though as if he limits this tantrumming to when he's at home.

If you see further deterioration or notice other problems eg bed-wetting, unkindness to siblings, I would reach out to other ex-pats in the community, ask their help in tracking down good local resources for paediatric assessment. It may be as simple as accessing the local general hospital and asking for appropriate guidance. Check your insurance, see what treatment might be covered. Above all else, your or your DH's employer probably invested a lot in your family relocating so their HR dept will know that a happy family means a happy employee. Seek useful contact numbers from them.

Sorry for the essay

Hi, i have a 5y old DD who gets into rages and hurts herself at times, not as extreme as your DS
I dont want to tell you things you already know but just a quick run through of what i do that i think is good, but you probably know these ideas
I say things like, its ok to feel angry but its not ok to hit/hurt
I'm here when you are ready to talk/come for a cuddle
everything i have read has said its best to get back to normal straight after as if it never happened
perhaps pick a good time to talk about the tantrum problem and whether either of you have any ideas to deal with it
i do think my DD has different sorts of tantrum - manipulative that can be ignored but some genuine distressed ones where she is overwhelmed by negative feeling and sometimes responds best to attention for those ( a cuddle/time with mummy)
sometimes telling her if she doesnt stop screaming in 5s and calm down she will lose telly time - she loves telly time and this sometimes works!
she is constantly hungry /doesnt ever eat enough which doesnt help
am just writing in case i have any new approach for you, but i too havent sorted our tantrums out, and i totally get the emotionally drained!
good luck x

Donkeys and pooky, thank you so much for your thoughtful responses.

Donkeys, I hope you are right that it is a short-term reaction to all the change. When I hear it from you it makes sense, but it's hard to see objectively from the inside!

I absolutely think both tiredness and low blood sugar are involved here too. Part of the problem is his school day is longer here, so I do think he is exhausted (and hungry) at the end of the day. Sometimes I know if he starts to eat he will immediately snap out of it, but when he's having a paddy he refuses to eat too.

Your suggestion of more attention is a good one... we do try but yes with three it's not always easy! Perhaps I will try to take him out on his own this weekend. I hear you on the ADHD but don't think it's the case with him - he is very good at focusing on tasks and can entertain himself much better than my older one in fact. No family history either. My husband and I are both very placid and were as children too which is partially why we are struggling so much with this!

We have an appointment with his teacher next week anyway so I will certainly raise it with her.

Pooky, thank you for your suggestions. I have read another couple of threads and it seems like a few people have 5 year olds with this kind of problem so it at least helps to know we are not alone! Sometimes bribes/threats work but often they don't. Interesting what you mention about getting back to normal as though it never happened - this was one of my questions as I don't know if that gives him the message that his behaviour is acceptable?

Another idea I read which might work for your DD is to have a secret code word that you only use when one of you is getting cross. You agree it beforehand and agree that it means I love you and I know you're cross with me but let's try to figure it out together. I have had this discussion with DS and he seems to respond well to the idea when he's calm but so far it hasn't really worked when he's worked up! I can see it might help with another child though.

Sorry for the essay! I really appreciate your replies, thank you.

Ooops sorry! Not sure what happened there... have reported my duplicate posts.