Plse help... 7 year old - awful/extreme behaviour

[unicorn]

My dd has never been an 'easy' child, but I am at a complete loss at the moment as to what to do with her.
She is being really cocky/rude/defiant on a daily basis - last night for eg I told her (for almost 15 minutes) to go to her room - she lay on the sofa screaming at me (v.hysterical) - I had to pick her up and put her in her room.
I have had a word with her teacher who hasn't noticed anything going on at school, am now thinking of talking to the Doctor. She seems to have real problems in the family (we tried family therapy when she was younger - it didn't help much)
Me and dh are at breaking point and it is affecting ds (4) too.
( oh reward charts/ etc don't really make a difference )
Help.

Anyone?

We have a very unruly 10yo ds who alos upsets family life with twins nearly 3 yo its not easy for us or for him!

Someone from mn sent me a book called 'The Explosive Child' I really think this is a brilliant book and sums my son up!

They don't like any form of authority so alot of patience is needed, generally more than I have!!!!

My son runs off (out of house) and doesn't come back till dark, banning things and grounding him makes no difference! he is so defiant, unruly and explosive, he goes off in tempers and generally if he doesn't get his own way, be on your guard!

I feel like leaving home sometimes, it helps if dh had same parenting ideas as myself but to be honest its like looking after 4 kids not 3!

We keep ds busy with after school activities, and my dh does golfing with ds, and I do karate with ds, so he gets 1T1 attention from us alot, but still the explosive and unruly behaviour.

You have my full sympathy, I hope there is someone out there that can help you, as long as you have covered the general questions in a calm manner of course! (huh how easy is that when child screaming and kicking)

Is she finding a particular subject hard at school, Is it Sats time for her, Is she being bullied or left out within a circle of friends, does she get precious time with you, I don't know, anything that has changed in her lifestyle to make her behave this way, or is she generally like this?

Its so hard being a parent, good luck!

Sympathy.

Have you tried typed out/written out rules on the wall? We used to have things like

Violence is unacceptable
Ds must be in bed by x time
No food after y time
Everyone must use a normal voice
Mummy must not lose her temper

the rules applied to all of us.

The ones we have now (he's abotu to be 9) are
do your homework immediately
packed lunch for the next day must be made as soon as you come in
Be kind

What abotu a bad behaviour book? I don't care if lots of people don't like this idea, for me it worked when ds was 6/7 because it forced me to keep calm while I wrote it down AND it meant I was keeping a record. When I did this I realised my ds wasn't badly behaved for as much of the time as I thought, it was just my perception because it was so, so wearing. We would write things written down and 3 things written down = something taken away. And we ALWAYS followed through. This was in conjunction with a star chart for good behaviour, one star for morning, one for afternoon and one for bedtime. And after x numbr of stars there was a reward.

I still try to catch him being good and praising him for it, being very specific "it was really lovely the way you helped your sister do x, very kind indeed"

Also try the soft no so 'ok, well, it's your choice, if you do what I ask then this happens and if you don't then this happens' said airly, giving him the chance to back down without it appearing he has iyswim.

What about her diet/sleep. Is she eating healthy foods/not too much sugar/getting enough sleep. My ds is hard after a sugar high and come down and also when he's knackered.

Anyway, you may have tried all of this but if not I hope there's something in there that helps.

Plus, even now, ds likes routine and knowing what's going to happen. So if we say 'right today we're doing xyz' and it doesn't happen he doesn't like it. So expectation management basically! He's not that rigid but if I change my plan/don't do what I say I'll do I get 'but you SAID xyz' I think he thinks it's very unfair. Mind you, his father, my ex dh doesn't like changed plans either so maybe it's genetic or a male thing! Ds also HATES it if I threaten and then don't follow through, he sees it as weakness and my not being in charge. And really, he does want me to be in charge, much as he might rail against it sometimes.

thanks both - some good ideas to try.
The thing is, many of the problems are down to her attitude. She seems to have total disrepect for our authority - and that really gets me - it is the roll of the eyes or the talking to us as tho we were her 7 year old pals at school etc, or the complete defiance - a sort of 'whatcha gonna do about it' look (iywim)

Her diet has always been good but she is very scrawny compared to many in her class.
Her reactions scare me tbqh - it's as tho she lacks all ability to reason/calm down, and has basically lost it.
I fear that if we can't get a handle on it now we are in for even bigger problems in a couple of years.

if its any help, our 7yr old dd is a bit like this, we found that basic bribery works best! take away her new bike and then she would instantly turn into perfect child. Also gym lessons twice a week have used up half her energy stores!Being sent to her room on a regular basis also seems to work, then she also has to say sorry to us. But its the eye-rolling and door slamming that gets to me, she will be one VILE teenager!

I will share a tip with you that is working really well with me and my ds2, who's just 8. He used to frequently refuse to do as he was told, which is part of having an overall difficult, but in many ways wonderful, personality! After a lot of thought, I realised that if he's not doing what he's told first time, or even second, it's because he really wants my angry response to it. He isn't actually probably much bothered about whether he does it or not. So I simply say, "well, if you don't do X, I won't take you to football/ Beavers (or whatever thing is happening next)because if you inconvenience me I will not put myself out for you." Then I just walk away.You have to be prepared for said loved one to keep on refusing for a bit, of course, and to be prepared to not take them to whatever cherished activity they will miss. It works for him because he loves all these activities so much, and he has missed them due to bad behaviour in the past. You must not get angry, though, or it doesn't work - my DH has not quite got the hang of this. I think it helps me, too, that as he's one of 4 and I work fulltime I am always quite happy not to have to take a child somewhere - I think he knows this, but he never usually misses his activities unless ill as I know how much they mean to him. So he knows I do put myself out for him, iykwim.

I could write a book about my son's behaviour, which has really been appalling at times. He is the only one of my 4 children I have ever smacked, in sheer frustration and anger. I wouldn't have thought I would ever do that.He is amazingly strong willed, intelligent and persistent. However, I feel we have really turned the corner now - I realised that he had got into the role of the naughty child at home, so we were all treating him accordingly, while at school he has always been Peter Perfect and so he behaved as expected there as well!I now try to take account of his high activity levels and need for stimulation, and give him as much positive, individual attention as I can.He goes to Sports clubs for most of the holidays so he can burn off all the energy and be with his friends. I've realised it's no use expecting him to be like his elder brother and sister and maunge round the house getting on with things - he isn't like that. I am incredibly proud of him now, although he can still be very hard work.I'm not saying he is like your dd at all - just that there will be a cause of her behaviour, and a way of dealing with it,but perhaps it's not the most obvious. I persisted with a "zero tolerance" approach for ages really, because I din't want to be thought of as lacking in discipline, and it didn't work because he knew what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour already - he was misbehaving because he wanted more attention from me and more stimulation than I thought was reasonable!

thanks again.
Lots of that makes sense.
Sometimes it is just so hard to see the wood for the trees isn't it?
I and dh have been really cross with dd for a while so that she is probably just fitting into our expectations self fulfilling prophecy etc.
I told dh last night that we had to both try and give her a break as beneath the anger/defiance etc I think she is just very sad.

our dd1 can be like this, i have no started sending her to bed at 6.30 if she talks to me like that (ykwim) her usual bedtime is 7.30 but her sister goes at 7pm and they cant be sent together or they keep each other awake so if she is naughty she goes to bed, she knows i will stick to it its working at the moment but im sure there will come a time when i have to change tack as she will become resistant to the threat and i have started saying i will move her ebdtime permentantly if i have to keep sending her up at 6.30 through cheek - i odnt want to do this but i will if i have to and on days she is very good i will let her stay up which is rewarding good behaviour and ignoring bad but i have my reservations about this as she seems so grown up senidng her to bed at 6.30 every night is a bit harsh.