Feeling a bit lost

[Kiter]

Hi

I have a 14 week old baby boy , he was born 7 weeks early and most days I'm fine but today I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like I can't entertain him...I feel useless like I'm letting him down...he doesn't smile much yet which is making me worry and I just feel like my mat leave is stretching out in front of me and I'm just going to do it all wrong
Probably just feeling sorry for myself but just wondered if anyone else felt like this? Motherhood isn't what I imagined , it's tough isn't it? X

Hello lovely. I was you! DD was born 6 weeks early and didn't smile till she was at least 12 weeks, and then not much until a few weeks later. She was a harder than average baby, lots of wind and a bit of reflux, she was quite grumpy and didn't sleep well after the first few weeks. I think this is pretty common for prem babies as their digestive systems aren't as mature so they are just a bit more prone to being uncomfortable But at the time I just felt I was doing it all wrong and neither of us was enjoying any of it.

What I can tell you is you are not doing it wrong - there honestly is not a right and wrong - as long as you are giving him time and love that's all he needs at this point. (I had similar worries about "getting it right", due i think to the books I was reading. If you have Gina Ford or any similarly dictatorial books I strongly advise you bin them! trying to make my prem baby fit Gina routines nearly sent me mad).

I can also tell you it gets SO much better. For me about 6-10 weeks corrected (so 12-16 weeks actual) were the hardest. Lots of non prem babies are also very difficult at this time, it's a classic time for overtiredness and colic. 12 weeks (corrected) is often a turning point. 4 months corrected was another turning point for us, then 6 months, 10 months, 18 months, etc, each stage has been better. Right now those will feel like forever away but you will get there.

My advice would be - 1) try to get out and about as much as possible - even if only to the corner shop it will make you feel you've done something with the day - and the buggy walks will help make sure your DS is getting enough sleep. 2) Try not to worry too much about getting it right! Easier said than done I know but really most mothers are just making it up as they go along, anyone who says there is a single right way is just trying to sell a book lying. 3) don't worry about entertaining him, at this age they just like to look at the world and hear the sounds, nothing more is needed. 4) Look forward to when he is older and more interactive!

Yes motherhood is tough, and you've had a harder start than most with the stress of prematurity and the 7 extra weeks of newborn stage. You have my empathy and sympathy. The only silver lining is that once you get to the older baby/toddler stages they will seem a breeze by comparison...

sorry bit of an essay!

Thank you so so much for your reply! It's really cheered me up!
I do try and get out on a walk at least once a day and it does help, I think some days I just feel a wee bit lonely as all my close friends are at work and it's a bit of a long day with just my boy and me! Then I feel guilty for feeling like that!
Your reply has made me feel so much better though! I was feeling like a bit of a disaster!
Nobody tells you just how much it's going to change your life...it changes everything! I do enjoy it though but just feel really overwhelmed at times!

Thank you again and I hope you are well? Xxx

I think it's really lonely when you first have a baby, especially if you have been working before.

You loose that place to go every day and at work, you know what you are doing whereas when you have a baby it's all new.

I'm sure you are not letting him down with your entertainments! He's just a tiny baby. A bit of talking to him about what you are doing, a bit of sitting in front of the washing machine, a bit of cuddling, a walk, a chat to an old lady in tesco.....it's all good.

Thank you
Yes I think I was in such a routine with work before and I'm 35 so had been in that routine for a long time!
I just have days where I think...will it ever get easier? I know it will though!
I look forward to my boyfriend getting home every night and I really admire people who do this alone!
Thanks for your replies, I feel so much better

Ah glad to help! Yes I'm fine thank you - DD is now 22 months and is great fun and I am pregnant again - despite having vowed during her newborn hellish months that I would never do it again!

Some babies are just harder than others (and prem ones are always a bit harder if only because you get stuck in newborn land for longer) and some people are less "baby people" than others! It is really tough being on your own with a newborn baby all day, especially if you are a worrier

Do you have an NCT group or similar you can meet up with? I missed my NCT classes due to DD being early, guess you might be the same, but if you contact NCT they might be able to put you in touch with a nearby group with similar (corrected) age babies? Or does your hospital run a group for local ex-SCBU mums (mine did I think)? Just having a few people to meet up with makes all the difference.

Awww congratulations!
That's great! When are you due?

I have vowed no more but I guess I might change my mind!

I'm in a much better place today, he's been a great wee boy this morning and sat in his bouncy chair kicking away so I have caught up with housework and once I have fed him I'm going to walk into town and meet a friend it's lovely here and sunny although a bit cold

I will look up the nct classes, I really would to meet others in the same boat as when I have met people with prem babies it's a good comfort to see they are going through the same x

I'm due early April - probably about the same as the next royal baby it seems!

Sorry I wasn't clear - NCT wouldn't be able to match you up with other prem mums, just might be able to match you up with other mums who had similar due dates to you. So not exactly the same boat but at least they'd have similar (corrected) age babies so would still be at that looking out for first smiles type stage. If you want to meet other prem mums your best bet is probably to ask your SBCU if they know of a prem group near you?

I met another prem mum just by chance, I was at the GP weigh in clinic and overheard her saying her baby was a 32 weeker and I kind of leaped on her and said me too! Anyway we then met up regularly until we both went back to work, it was nice to have someone who had had a similar experience so I hope you do meet someone like that somehow or other.