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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

The one left behind (boarding)

9 replies

Teapot74 · 07/09/2014 07:48

DS has gone to boarding school this week. DD & DS historically bicker quite a lot. I was v optimistic that this would be good for everyone. There's been a lot of focus on the CE over the last year and have been looking forward to giving more of my time to my daughter. As there's only 1 now, she can do any clubs she wants without having to juggle rides home from school between them. Then recently someone warned me that she might not love it as much as I think and that her child in the same sit. didn't like being the focus of attention. She has been really happy at her new senior school this week but just looked really bored when she was out with us yesterday pm and now I'm worried about how it's going to affect her. She is 11 and if she wanted I would look at finding a school that boards for her @ 13 but this would be a real shame as her day school seems perfect for her. We are obs. giving her more attention but we do need to talk about things that don't include/ affect her. We are also careful not to mention DS too much, she brings him up more than anyone. It is early days but want her to be happy.
Any ideas anyone?

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Iggly · 07/09/2014 07:55

What about your ds? How does he feel?

Also why not talk about your ds? He's her brother and your son - don't make it a taboo subject.

Original poster

Teapot74 · 07/09/2014 08:44

We don't know how he feels. It's weekend 1 and he has to stay in school. It's not a taboo subject, we just don't want her to feel that it's all about him, of course we talk a bit about him.

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Lottiedoubtie · 07/09/2014 08:48

teapot I think you're going to get a lot of snarky responses by the anti boarding brigade I'm afraid it's a somewhat sensitive subject on MN, particularly ATM.

But in answer to your actual question...

I think it's early days. It's a big change for your DD as well as for the rest of the family. She will settle down and reap the benefits you mention in time, but it would be odd in itself if she didn't miss her DB at first. Can she email him at school? Or look out for funny postcards to send him?

Have you had upfront conversations with her about why he is a boarder and she won't be? I think that's important so that she doesn't feel resentful about 'missing out'.

Iggly · 07/09/2014 08:59

Sorry - it was the bit where you said you try not to bring him up I read as being taboo.

To be honest I would just be open about it and yes talk about the differences.

Iggly · 07/09/2014 09:00

(My mum boarded and her brother didn't - she feels resentful about it even now although the circumstances were different but I can see why it was that way. She's never moved past it because it was never openly discussed)

Iggly · 07/09/2014 09:04

Also me and brother fought and bickered a lot but we actually love each other a lot - is this why ds is away? Might be worth fostering their relationship more.

Eva50 · 07/09/2014 09:12

Ds1 and ds2 bickered a fair bit at that age, as do most siblings I know, but would have been very lost and upset if one of them had gone away. They would not have considered the 1:1 attention and lack of juggling a fair trade off for not having the other one around. Like anything I'm sure things will settle down and she will get used to it in time.

olivesnutsandcheese · 07/09/2014 14:10

I remember being the one left behind and to be honest I think my parents got it really badly wrong.
Both elder sisters got heaps of attention before they went and loads of new clothes etc (obviously) but as a young child, 5 when eldest sis went and 7 for the next I really didn't get it at all.
I was then spoilt massively when they were away (so i became a bit of a brat) and dropped like a stone when they came back for holidays. I think it really needed a bit of thought - which is great that you are doing that OP.
It really affected my relationship with my sisters for a long time.

Encourage her to write to him but perhaps also be wary of focusing too much on her. Plan treats and excursions for weekends when he is home so that they are still having shared experiences and joint things to look forward to.

Original poster

Teapot74 · 07/09/2014 14:34

Thanks Guys. I think I have a lot to think about to manage this carefully. He's boarding because it's the right thing for his personality and he suits the school (not because of behavioural, bickering issues). We have chosen 2 schools which seem to suit both of them ideally. I did buy her some treats this week because he got the tuck box. Olives, it's going to be so difficult to get that balance right but I will do my best. I don't think I've balanced it all yet. I'll see how it goes and whilst I'm not sure that boarding would be for her it only seems fair that I give her the same choices. At least we have a good year to think about it.

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