Fighting with DD about food, help - book recommendations

[OhGood]

I have just totally lost it and shouted at DD who is 4 and incredibly fussy. We have started fighting over food and it's all just gone horrifically negative. I have seen a couple of books recommended on here, around changing the way I feed her and my attitude to her food and eating - can anyone recommend anything that's worked to me now?

Help help help. We need to change this completely.

I just wanted to reassure you that things normally improve with age. My DH was not only a very fussy eater he also had major issues with swallowing he just 'didn't like how it felt' .. Fast forward a few years and he will eat absolutely anything, from someone who wouldn't even eat fish fingers he now will now eat sushi, calamari etc etc etc

thank you, Madrigals. I'm sure the one I have in mind (where exactly is my mind?) is by a woman, but will investigate.

And thank you cavkc. I just don't want to fight with her over food. It's so so so unhealthy and negative and crap.

Ellyn Satter talks about the division of responsibilities with food, which took a lot of pressure off my two fussy DC's and I. I have a friend who is a paediatric dietitian (she writes as Kids Dig Food on Facebook - lots of great resources for encouraging food exploration and good nutrition) and she speaks highly of her also.

(Paraphrasing Ellyn Satter from memory) parents are responsible for the what and when of food (decide what food to serve, and when to serve it) and children are responsible for the if and how much (if they want to eat the food served, and how much they want to eat).

For us it took the fights away completely - my kids remained fussy for a long time (for 12 months, my son would only eat meatballs and scrambled eggs for tea - the other 5 nights he would choose not to eat what I served), but it was totally drama free - if they chose not to eat what I served, it was no big deal. They are both fairly adventurous eaters now, but still go through fussy periods, and this keeps mealtimes family-friendly.

Hang on - found the official version: ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php

But playdough when they chose not to eat did you let them go hungry?

But playdough when they chose not to eat did you let them go hungry?

You don't have to let them go hungry. You can allow them to have some fruit but only the amount you would like them to eat.

The best principle is to provide what you would provide if they were not too fussy. You put a meal on the table that you know is reasonably palatable to them, you eat and allow them to choose whether to join in and then you clear away. You then provide dessert/fruit as you would have done if they had eaten so perhaps one piece of fruit.

You don't allow them to take extra to fill themselves up but you could make sure they have milk before bed to help them to sleep.

You don't change the balance of what you offer depending on what they have eaten. You just plan meals, provide them and clear away without taking any notice whatsoever of what they eat.

That removes pressure to eat (which can suppress their appetite very effectively) and any opportunities for negative attention and power games.

Don't fight, cajole, reward, bribe, punish or praise any eating ever. Don't discuss the food at all. Talk about everything but food so that mealtimes can be pleasant experiences.

Just present the food, eat yours and clear away every meal time without comment.

Avoid snacks two hours before any meals. Or stop snacks altogether if it's effecting how much of their main meal a kid will eat.

Make one nice family meal and let them decide to eat it or not. No alternatives, no nagging but just nice chats about the day over the dining room table together. If the child is hungry they will eat. Accept with grace what ever happens. Relax.

I'm not a parent but have enjoyed the reassuring simple ethos in 'French Children Don't Throw Food'. It's not as pretentious a book as it sounds, honest! I borrowed it from a library, so free that way too!

Pretty much everything Goldmandra said, although I wouldn't have been so eloquent :)

I offered (and still do) an apple or vegemite sandwich plus glass of milk if they don't want the meal I have served. I'm not sending them to bed hungry. There is food on offer - tasty, nutritious food, with their preferences taken into consideration. It is their choice to eat or not, not a punishment I am inflicting.

I try to include elements on the plate that will appeal to one or both children, e.g. sweetcorn or mashed potato. I don't treat food as a reward, and if dessert has been planned/cooked, they are allowed to choose to eat that only. Sometimes I encourage them to lick or smell food they aren't keen on or haven't tried before, in the spirit of fun and experimentation, but would avoid doing this if emotions are high.

This is all sounding so sensible. Are all of you basing what you're doing on Ellen Satter? (Murky, I haven't read 'French Children...')

I read her website last night, as one of the things I was wondering about was presenting pudding / 'treats'.

How do you handle that?

And what if she literally chooses no vegetables or fruit at all?

Another vote for my child won't eat - it's fantastically reassuring!

Thanks Bear. Reassuring about what? The eating no vegetables ever thing?

Are all of you basing what you're doing on Ellen Satter?

I've never heard of Ellen Satter. My advice is based on many years of working with children, being a parent and studying the effect of rewards and sanctions one toddlers while doing a foundation degree.

I think the key is to realise that children will ultimately always control what goes in their mouth. All the adult can do is provide a sensible diet for them to choose from.

Echoing what others have said. We had battles with DC1 mostly due to DH being from a clear your plate family and me being from a take it or leave it family. Never again it was grim and miserable.

DS2 3.9 is fussy but I just leave him to it. Safe meals he is guaranteed to eat are served three or four nights a week other meals are served and if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat.
He does have to stay at the table if he's not eating and he isn't allowed to mess with food.
Any whinging "I don't like x,y,z" gets an "OK if you don't like it leave it" and the conversation moves on.
I do do things like presenting fruit and salad in different ways but again it's just served and that's that.
I also find my children generally prefer to serve themselves rather than have food plated.
DS2 often goes to bed having only eaten pudding. He only has a problem with dinner now, not breakfast and lunch so am confident he isn't starving.
Before when he was barely eating anything I gave him a cheese sandwich or toast which was served as an accompaniment to his main meal but which I often 'forgot' to get until he had had a go at dinner.

Yes! Amongst other things. It explains what nutrients children need, how much, and where they can get them from.

Thanks all. I am going to try and shift this.

The book I've seen recommended on mn (and am awaiting delivery of!) is 'Getting the little blighters to eat' - can't tell you if it's any good yet but other posters certainly seemed to think so!