mother dilemma

[threeangels]

I am a mother of 3 ages 12, 9, and 17mo. My problem is with my mother. My husband and I do not get along with her at all. The problem is she is a very controlling person. My father died when I was 10.It was three of us for a while so my mother centered her whole life around her two children. The issue is that she is still doing that even though I have been married for 13 years. My mother is very close to my children. Which is just fine. She just seems to always try to tell me what to do with them. Like I am stupid about raising children. I have always been dependent on my mom for things in life. Especially financially. I know this was wrong but I have always been that way. I have started to end the financial issue. My husband and her do not get along because he feels I always put her feelings first in any of our life decisions. I can never make any decision without talking to her first. I have always told my husband that I dont want my mom to get upset with me. If an idea that my husband had did not go well with my mom then I would forget about it. I want to put my husband first but my mom always attacks me with a guilt trip. The main problem I am having right now is that my husband and I are thinking about moving to Virgina in about a year or so. He will be graduating and will have a better opportunity closer up north. We live in TN now. I was so afraid to tell my mother because she would be asterical not to mention mad. I never dreamed I would want to put some distance between me and my mother but I just feel the need to at this time. In the past two weeks we have been in two major arguments over the move. My mother is always saying after all Ive done for you guys you guys just stab me in the back. She always says infront of my children that all we want to do is tear them away from there grandparents. This really puts them in the middle especially when she is always asking them if they want to move away. I know family is the most important thing in a persons life but I dont want it to stop us from doing something with our lives. I know she cant bear the thought of my family leaving and I know she will say anything to talk us out of it. I just want to make a mature decision in my life on my own with my husband. I just feel very very guilty about moving away. Like Im ditching my mother for a job. I dont want to live my life on what my mom wants or thinks is right for me. I want to listen to her opinions but I want to feel I can decide for myself. Can anyone give me some advice? My family is really being torn apart. Thanks.

threeangels,
I've had similar problems in the past, eg the time when my mother tried to bully me into not marrying my husband by refusing point blank to meet him or have him in the house. Just go ahead and do it. You didn't ask to be born, your mother chose to have children. She's had plenty of fun and enjoyment out of you from babyhood onwards, but she can't expect you to live your life to suit her. It's very bad for your marriage for a start. So, put your husband and children first, and go with your gut feeling about what's best for them!
My mother too can induce a huge guilt trip at any time. She produces totally illogical arguments to back up her outrageous assertions, but such is the respect that she engenders in me, that I can't argue back with logic until I am far away from her! So I just finish arguments with her by saying I'm not arguing any more, and leaving. If you have to, leave and take your children straight away if she starts trying to make you feel guilty. Just remember, your main loyalty now is to your own children and husband. It may feel like you're being nice to fall in with your mum's every wish, but if this means you're not being nice to your own children, then don't do it!
Another thing, you can explain to your children quietly afterwards, that Granny is just being a bit silly today, of course we will be going back to see her, we still love her a lot even though she is a bit silly at times....

Hi threeangels, I agree with sml. You do need to put yr husband and children before your mother and she must understand this. Remind her how great a mum she was putting you all first when you were growing up and because of this you know you must do the same with yours. Tell her she should want to know she brought her daughter up to be a strong and independant woman. Is she in competition with your husband? Does she feel he is controlling you and therefore she needs to make decisions for you -you need her to know decisions made are yours and not just your husbands. She may never change now but you need her to understand you cannot be manipulated and to be part of your family she must make compromises on control and make an effort to get along with your husband. My mother still can make me cry easier than anyone but she knows she brought us all up to be independant and I remind her of this when she offers unwanted advice - I can listen but basically at the end of the day any decision must be mine and my husbands. Best of luck.

Hi three angels,
families can make life so difficult can't they, but the reality is your family is your husband and three children. that is your priority and any decisions you make must be made with them in mind, you just can't please everybody and if you try you end up pleasing nobody. so in the long run you are better off doing the best thing for you, your husband and your three children. I suppose you know this already, as to how to deal with your mum, perhaps visiting her without your children to discuss this would help as it is awful to have thme dragged into it. Tell her how you feel and make it clear that she is most welcome to visit if she wants but you have to do whats best for your family unit, sounds so easy I know, but I've done it and survived and my realationship with my mum and rest of family survived too. good luck and let us know how you get on

hi threeangels, there is, as always, a lot od good advice here which I hope you will find helpful. My own advice would be to stop trying to do the right thing by anyone other than yourself - it seems that you have spent so much time and effort avoiding problems with your mother and your husband, that your own wishes have got buried and it may help you to decide what you are going to do and how you are going to approach it if you focused on what YOU want to do.