My 6 year old daughter is not making friends.

[Sailly12]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet but i have a problem which has been bothering me for a while. My daughter is 6 years old, has been going to the same school for 3 years and has not made any proper friends yet. She is a very happy person, laughs and plays alot, but I have never seen her actively engaged with any particular person. She doesn't get invited to play dates or birthdays, though I know she loves going on the rare occassion that she has been invited. I see how other children react to her, when she tries to play with them, they say "stop it" and tend to generally ignore her. I have seen her when she lines up in the morning, she seems to lose her confidence and becomes quite meek. She tried talking to a girl this morning and the girl said, I dont like it when you keep saying my name over and over again. My LO was trying to hold back her tears. I t really upsets me, I've spoken to her teachers over the past 2 years and they all say , she gets along with everyone. She keeps asking me if she can go to peoples houses for playdates, but expects that I should ask them to invite her. I've come to the conclusion that maybe her behaviour annoys other children, but not sure how to help her. I kept thinking it was a phase and it may well be, but its been 3 years now so not sure what to do. :( :(

Can you invite children for play dates?

I'd be inviting some children over for tea/play to yours and see how things go. You'll get an idea of how they interact and they may invite her back.

That's very sad. I have the same worries for my ds, who is naturally quiet and shy but tries to overcome it by being loud and annoying!

I have tried inviting others for play dates and overcompensating by having fun food and dessert and cool things to do (so they'll enjoy it and want to come again!), making arrangements with mum friends and their kids, having big parties, hooking up with extended family and their kids. I'm not naturally sociable myself so Its not easy, and it sometimes feels like it's all one way -I'm making all the effort and we hardly get any invites back . But I think that's sometimes that other parents can't be arsed with them and don't feel the need as their kids naturally fit in (that's what I tell myself anyway )

He's getting older now and things aren't too bad- not everyone is the same and he knows he's loved an enormous amount at home

I've come to the conclusion that maybe her behaviour annoys other children,

What is it about her behaviour? you haven't really said much about it apart from the fact she said someone's name over and over again and on another occasion a child said "Stop it!" but stop what? what was she doing?

Have you had play dates and if so how did they go? My Dd is 6 and happy in her own company which worries me a bit as I was always surrounded by friends at school. She doesn't have a best friend and isn't in a group but dips in and out of groups. She's happy so I'm staying back a bit.
If she was unhappy I'd be talking to the teacher and finding out who she interacts with well and then invite them over and get to know some mums too as that seems to consolidate young friendships.

Thanks for your responses everyone. By Her behavior I mean that i think she tried to overcompensate and tries a it too hard to fit in and make friends. She's fine among her cousins but i think she may be trying to be funny, making faces and stuff, and people dont find it funny. you've got to be close enough to someone to be able to do that! I just read this morning about common behaviours that push away friends, and among them were "trying unsuccessfully to be funny", ignoring "stop" signals, and being a poor sport, all of which she displays. I'm just not sure how to talk to her about it. She always says school was "good" but Ive seen her too many times just flitting about on her own and I'm wondering if she's causing it herself.

motherofdragons! that does sound like my little one! As she is a happy child i've ignored it more or less so far, but just thought now she has been with the same children for so long she should be making friends. Girls who have joined less than a year ago have formed really close friendships and it was one of these who told her she was annoying her...

Could it be her anxiousness to form friendships which is the at the root of the behaviours you describe. What about joining an activity outside of school to build her confidence? Karate, Judo, dance something, once her confidence has increased she is likely to drop many of these odd behaviours.

My DD (now 9) has had similar problems. She was at an army intake school, so every time she made a friend, they moved.

Is there a family support advisor at your school? If so, make an appointment. I did, and she observed my DD during breaktime. Not that she found any problems. But they did have a lunctime club that they put kid in that were having trouble socially, trying to build their confidence and learn ways to start playing.

Is she in any after achool clubs? Perhaps Rainbows would be a good idea? Or craft clubs at the library?

Does she have any siblings?

Some girls walk in arm in arm. Dd isn't very touchy feely. Is your dd very academic? Not sure if it's relevant but my Dd is and it was a bit of an issue in reception. Dd still prefers playing with older ones. Her reception teacher once said dd stood out a bit because she could read so well and used an extended vocabulary. It became less obvious in year 1.
I was worried about her distancing herself but then last year the class voted her to be the class captain. I'm presuming she's liked but less reliant on friendship for happiness. They are still very little. X

My oldest struggled from when we went moved house when he was in year 3 until last year when he was in year 8. He never gelled with a particular person or group and I felt he was quite lonely. However he joined a rugby club two years ago and made some really good friends there. He's never home now and he has so much more confidence. My advice to you would be to get your daughter involved in after school activities she enjoys. It's a chance to expand her social circle and she can 'bond' with others doing a shared activity.
Another piece of advice is to try to befriend the parents in the class and suss out who seems to be the kindest and friendliest. Then perhaps you could arrange outings together which may help your daughter slowly get to know people. I found this with my two younger children. I don't think playdates are particularly good for kids to get to know each other if they're not already good friends. Also don't read to much into people not inviting your daughter to playdates. We all lead busy lives and can be difficult to find time to arrange these things. Also don't stress too much. The most important thing a child needs is a happy and comfortable family life and I'm sure she has that.

I think she's definitely lacking in confidence although she was NEVER that way before she started school. she was in an activity but alot of her classmates went there too, and she always played with the younger children

or children from other schools, i think maybe something like karate may be a good idea. would you suggest I sit her down and speak to her about how her behaviours may be pushing away other children??

OP, I think you need to work out an approach before you talk to your DD, you could make here even less confident by asking her to behave differently. She sounds like a sensitive and mature girl to me, a girl who is a bit too aware of her surroundings for her own good. I mean that in the nicest posssible way, I just want you to protect her and not make it worse.

I really think you need to talk to a professional. Is there a childrens centre near you? Perhaps they can point you in the right direction? Or perhaps a self-help book on the topic?

New term, yes, will try out some new activities.

yes, that's exactly why I havent approached her yet. I want to try certain activities at home, to help her build up her self esteem rather than ask her to change herself. thanks for your advice everyone, professional help, eep!

I don't like the idea of asking a child to change their behaviour unless they are being aggressive or hurtful. Other than that, they need friends who like them for who they are. That doesn't happen overnight. Karate is a great idea because obviously if you stick at it you work your way up the grading system and that can give kids a feeling of achievement and confidence.

I agree with lem73 asking her to change her behaviour (unless she is being aggressive or hurtful) is almost like asking her to change her personality, which she can't and may make things worse as she struggles to be whom she is not, so be careful on this one.

I would find a friend to invite to play but rather than leaving them to get on with it, do a craft or baking with them. That way you can help the communication between the two and monitor without dd realising. Might be hard work at first but worth it in the end.
I usually do something like this when a new friend comes, like getting them to make their own pizzas and choosing toppings then I cook it for tea.

Thank you everyone for all your suggestions. i will definitely try them out. when i said change herself, I actually meant getting her to read peoples "stop signals" and not trying too hard. However, i wasn't sure how I was going to communicate that. Fingers crossed! xxx

You should speak to school...arrange a proper meeting and they will or at least SHOULD help DD with her social skills.

The school has just as much duty to support DD in social development as they do academic.

My DD is 10 now and when she moved schools aged 7 she had a hard time. Her school supported her socially in many ways and she's now flourishing.

Social skills are like any other...some kids get them sooner than others.

OP, I recommend a great book called "The unwritten rules of friendship" it has great tips.

I was just about to write this exact post. Just seen my 5yo dd in the playground the last two days. She is a bit of a loner but it broke my heart today watching her call after another girl, really excited to see her, skipping towards her. Then suddenly stop, head down and walk the other way, all because the other child didn't hear her and had run off with some other kids. My dd does a language club with kids in her class, dances outside of school and has had quite a few play dates and yet she is still socially isolated and I just don't know what to do :'(

Timetoask, I have just purchased the book,thanks. Tokengirl1 let me know how it goes if you happen to try out the above mentioned suggestions. :)

Watching with interest as I was like this as a child and I still am as a mum, really.
I remember my mum going into the school to complain how I had no friends and one of the girls explaining to the teachers that I wasn't "horrible, just really annoying".
I used to do a lot of the things mentioned above - try to be funny and overcompensate shyness by pretending to be confident, calling after other children and being ignored, being told off for repetition while trying to gain their attention, and misjudging signals.
I still can't help doing this to some extent as I am very shy and awkward but have learned to control it by mimicking the behaviour of people who seem to be "liked" and trying to stay as calm as possible.

Unfortunately, nothing helped at school, even when the "kind" girls were encouraged to include me, they were always told "well done for playing with Poycastle" as if they were doing a great kindness rather than being on a par with me and they tended to act as if they were in charge of me like a little sister.
My mum tried every activity, trying to invite people over, take me to after school clubs and so on.

I think some people just naturally have better social skills than others. I agree it may not be the best course of action to ask her to change her behaviour, as my mum used to do this and it just made me feel hopeless as I couldn't change my personality.

I am sorry this is not more constructive, I really hope that your DD feels better soon x