DS can't bear to fail - so won't try. What can iIdo?

[Blu]

By and large, DS is a carefree happy lively child, but there is something which I think is holding him back.
When he was a toddler he wouldn't attempt drawings. he would do huge mad abstract squiggles, and talk through a story as he did it, but he would never attempt a figurative drawing because he was never satisfied with the results. he still won't try to draw something uless he is sure he can do it, and he fusses about it and wants to rip it up.
This summer he started refusing to join in party games because he wasn't winning. He burst into tears doing his word recognition cards with DP because he said he couldn't read and everyone else can (they can't - but some can). He now won't atke part in anything where he feels there is an element of competition. He got all upset about the WOW (walk on Wednesdays) card he got in his book bag, because we live too far away for him to walk to school, so he won't get any stamps stamped on his card. I don't think it's mardiness about not winning, I thnk it's not wanting to set himself up for failure, iyswim.

He is v young in his year, and started in Jan - his reception teacher said he always set himself very high targets, and wanted to do what the children who had been there a term were doing.

He wears a splint and has a short leg, and became very aware when he started school that he can't run as fast as other children, and comments on this a lot, and simply won't take part the minute another child mentions a race.

I am torn betwen oushing him to do a few things so that he learns more about trying, persisting and FINALLY succeeding, or not pressurising him and continuing to give lloads of positive affirmation for the things he does do.

What do you think?

Hi. I have a DS (4) with some very similar issues. It's very frustrating isn't it. As far as the drawing goes, we found one of those hard boards where you wipe off the drawing with the knob at the bottom each time wonderful. He can try, try and try again and have the pleasure of erasing his "wrong" efforts.

I think very small challenges with lots of encouragement each time is the best policy. Once when he was crying over something he couldn't do I asked him did he think he could walk the first time he tried, etc, etc,. He seemed to "get" that, at least for a while and had a few more goes. We also get the message in about practising being the key to success as often as possible.

I'll be really interested to hear what other people say.

Blu - my DD has always been a bit like this. As soon as she perceives herself to be not good at something then she dismisses everything as 'rubbish'. She used to draw all the time as a younger child, but now never does as she says she is rubbish at it and it doesn't look right!

It is quite waring, but we find that playing lots of board games etc and making sure that she loses now and again helps with the idea that something can still be fun to do, even if you might not win at the end!

It sounds as if S just wants to get his share of attention for doing well - he just needs to find what those things are If it is any comfort both my children would be gutted to miss out on a WOW award type thing too. I'd speak to the teacher and say you will park up a little further away than normal so that S can join in the event too!

Yes, I was divided about the WOW card. He does walk home 3 days a week with his Dad - it's a 45 min walk downhill (which is why he can't walk in the mornings) and I wondered about asking if that could count - but then wondered if he needs more 'losing' practice. He really would like to take part. if we lived close, he would really go for it as something he could achieve.

Talking about learning to walk/ talk is a good idea. We could observe some toddlers.

I know he worries about all this. A couple of days before he satarted Yr 1 he told me that his stuffed toy sheepdog was starting Dog School and was very worried that he wouldn't be able to do all the tricks, and didn't want to go. I explained about the process of learning, trying and trying again, and that 'BlackAndWhite' would be fine. At the end of the day i asked about how BlackAndWhite had got on - and was told he culdn't do the tricks, I said 'never mind, he can go back and practice some more tomorrow' but the answer was 'he's been expelled - the head dog says he's too young to learn'.

DD1 is a lot like this wrt physical stuff; she came home from a party a while ago saying she hadn't done the races 'because she knew she'd lose' and said she didn't want to go to a swimming class for much the same reason.

In her case, with physical things, I'm thinking (ie not quite getting round to) setting up some one to one classes in swimming to show her that actually she can do it; that things have to be learned, but that it's quite possible to learn them.

With S...hmm, I think it's a 'small challenges'/'learn that failure won't kill you' thihng too - Soapbox, you are as usual fabulous in your suggestion of board games.

'he's been expelled - the head dog says he's too young to learn' is a pretty darn clever, complex, lovely, funnysad thing for a little kid to say, isn't it? What a sweetie the boy blu is to be sure. (Like his mum, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone on here. And his dad too, I imagine.)

After coming through something at least vaguely akin to this 2 years back I am very firmly in favour of a "no pressure whatsoever no matter how infinitesimal in year 1" strategy. All this sudden sit down and learn stuff can be a terrible shock to the system we found and we were deliberately v hands off to provide a contrast at home. I do believe in little prods in the direction of keeping going and trying hard even at things that don't come easy generally but found that anxiety levels in year 1 were just too high for this and total parental pressure switch off was required. I would even go easy on flashcards and the like unless boyblu himself takes the lead and requests them. I also agree that this is a time to praise massively at any opportunity no matter how small. I will be v surprised if master blu the fab does not come through this with flying colours, given time and space and his wonderful mater and pater, though.

DD1 was, and still is to some extent, exactly the same. DH and I found it quite difficult as we are both fiercely competitive . She is almost 12 now, and not as bad as she was. We have just encouraged her to keep trying and supported her with everything. We have probably gone through a small fortune setting her up with different groups (Irish dancing, athletics, swimming, gymnastics etc, etc) but the upside is that when she finds something she is good at (swimming and horse riding in her case) it really boosts her confidence and she forgets to be self-conscious. Once they find something they can succeed at, it gives them a real boost. It can be pretty soul-destroying to persist at something you are not good at and having to compete with others who are good at it (even if the competition is only perceived)

Oh dear, perfectionism can be so debilitating.

I think that you both need to take up a new hobby, something which requires a little bit of practice to get right. Then take up another hobby which takes a lot of practice to get right.

The point is to show him that you don't get things right first time around and that he is not expected to either. That skill takes practice to improve, and by not trying he is resigning himself to never finding out how good he could be - with practice.

Try and work out where he has gotten this attitude from. Are you, your partner or his school results orientated? Does he have a sibling who has recently gotten praise for doing something 'prefectly' etc..

Quote "give lots of praise for the things he does well"

Kinda... except don't wait until he does it well to praise him, he should be praised for trying most.

Blu - Ds1 is just like this - he's an absolute perfectionist and my heart breaks for him because it means lots of things in life are so disappointing for him. He didn't talk until very late because he hated not to be able to do it, he won't draw at all, or write - because he knows it's not perfect (he's 4 and has just started primary school). He'll do sporty stuff because he knows he's good at that - is very athletic, but we've had wobbles about him starting school because he knows he can't read (although maybe he can a bit - we wouldn't know because he wouldn't dare get it wrong).

I wish he'd not worry about it all - and of course we tell him it's fine not to be perfect at everything - that we love his drawings, writing, trying his letters - but he hates it.

So, no advice but lots of empathy.

I'd say back off with giving him hard things to do/encouraging him to do tricky things, but could you look to spot anything where he has put effort in with a good result (not a task someone has set him, but one he has set himeself) no matter how tiny, and immediately pouncing on it to say, 'Wow, I could see that was tricky for you but you kept going and look how great it was in the end. You must be really proud of yourself!' Just to point out that sometimes he does make the effort with success. He may well not realise he ever does this.

This is all very interesting - and thank you all.
I was watching DS this morning - he has a real eye for detail - he doesn't just 'generally' do the wiggles and oompa loompa dances, he gets every detail scalpel-like right - the angle of his hands is spot on and definite. He is keenly observant, about language - so i thnk he observes more than he can 'reproduce' and his 'failures' loom vivid for him.

DottyDot - enormous empathy for you too - is your DS young in his class - he must be?

I think you are all right in what you say. I will be making sure I don't apply any academic pressure (we're not results-driven - but with enough panic about this I could sense that I might start to veer that way, iyswim), and we will maybe find lots of opportunities to 'fail' with fun and pride.

Good news about BlackAndWhite - this morning, it seems, he has finished his first week at Circus Training Schol, and has learned some tricks.

BlackAndWhite is a window to the soul!!

Sorrell - yes, the distinction over a task he has set HIMSELF, and looking for a small stage in the process is a good point.