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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Screaming and crying at school drop off this morning. :(

24 replies

mmmmmchocolate · 04/09/2014 09:50

DD started reception yesterday, went in fine, she was ok when I got back from work just a little tired. (only doing mornings at the moment) this morning when I tried to drop her off she started crying, which lead to screaming and trying to run away. There were about 4 teachers and TA's behind the gate that seemed to not know what to do until one finally asked if they should just take her. Which they did and I walked away.

She was in nursery at the school for the whole of last year, the first 3 months were very much like this until she settled and was mostly fine going in.

I don't know what to do, I can't put up with the screaming at the gatefor another 3 months until she accepts that she has to go and goes in with out a fight. She's not normally naughty, I rarely have to tell her off. I just seem to walk away from the school looking like the worlds worst mum :( I won't even be able to find out if she's ok until I get back from work today so I'll be constantly worrying.

Has anyone got any ideas on how to make this easier?

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Goldmandra · 04/09/2014 09:58

Sending (((HUGS)))

It really is a shitty feeling isn't it?

She might settle in a few days and be fine. If she doesn't, ask for a meeting with the teacher and see if you can find a way to make the transition a bit easier for her. There are things the staff could do like get her in a bit before the others or give her a special job to do with an adult to give her a boost and distract her.

Chances are she has been fine today and she's forgotten about the upset. It's just you who feels horrible about it.

It's a shame that the staff were a bit half soaked this morning. Maybe they will be a bit more active in supporting her if she gets upset again tomorrow. If they aren't, make it clear what you would like them to do to help you. If there is an option for you to go in with her for a few minutes, take it. Being already engaged in an activity might just help her to cope better when you do go.

MrsSlave · 04/09/2014 10:04

To put your mind at ease, I would phone the school now to see how she settled. I don't believe this is naughty behaviour, just confusing for her.

My DS was like this too, minus the screaming. I found the best thing with regards to encouraging him with his whole new environment was by getting a reward for pick up and talking about school. I would sit down with him in the evening and the morning and explain that it is okay to be a little scared but that she has no reason to be. Tell her that she is such a big girl now and by showing Mummy what a superstar big girl she can be when going into her class it will result in a very proud Mummy and a little treat.

I would definitely phone the school now though. Chances are, she calmed right down as soon as you left. We remember it and reel from it much longer than our DC do.

Bribe is the way forward

Original poster

mmmmmchocolate · 04/09/2014 10:09

Thanks for the reply gold

Yep I do feel like shit! The feedback from nursery was always that although she cried coming in, she was ok once in and actually enjoyed it. I think she only had to be taken from me a few times before she walked in by herself (crying all the way of course lol)

Thanks for the suggestions, although we are no allowed into class in reception, even on the first day.. I'll have a word with the teacher if she's the same tomorrow, once she is in all day, I can pick her up but her nan picks her up at the moment, whilst she is on half days.

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Original poster

mmmmmchocolate · 04/09/2014 10:12

Thanks mrs slave, yes bribery is always a good one ;) I didn't know whether ringing the school would annoy them more. We were encouraged to ring whilst they settled into nursery but I always felt confident that she was ok with the teachers there.

Dd1 never gave me any of this!! ;)

OP posts:

MrsSlave · 04/09/2014 10:16

I really sympathise with you, I remember the gutted feeling far too well.

You won't annoy them. You are fully entitled to phone the school with absolutely any worries. I am sure it will ease your mind much more if you speak to them and know that she's okay.

primarynoodle · 04/09/2014 10:17

hugs and

sometimes its difficult as a teacher to make a judgement whether to offer to take her or wait for you to ask as some parents may feel a little judged.

assuming your nursery wasnt attached to the school so they dont already know you are happy with this arrangement maybe mention to them that it would be beneficial to you and dc

but second the idea of getting her in early especially as she can form a closer bond with teacher and ta and hopefully feel more secure at school

primarynoodle · 04/09/2014 10:18

dont know where came from!

vladthedisorganised · 04/09/2014 10:18

Mine had loads of tears this morning. She's normally a really confident little thing and couldn't wait to go in yesterday; she seemed to have really enjoyed herself. This morning she had to be prised off me and walked in sobbing - she wasn't the only one either!

I think one of the things that she's coming to terms with is being the smallest again - it came out on the way to school that she found the playground a bit of an odd place because 'there was nobody to look after'. I'm sure she'll adjust in time but it was very hard. Most of the other children know each other from the school nursery so she's a bit out on a limb at the moment.

What made it a bit worse is that toys aren't strictly allowed - understandably so IMO - and I'd had The Chat about leaving toys at home during school time yesterday (just like Wooly and Tig). That worked fine, except that one child had brought in their toy yesterday and DD was distraught at leaving hers behind - in her mind the one incident had translated into five children bringing in their toys and another one who brought their cat in too .

DeWee · 04/09/2014 10:29

Ime being fine for a day or two, or even a week or more, and then getting upset it totally normal. It seems to kick in when they really realise it's for good, not a one off.

Our infants would usually phone to reassure you round about break time if they'd been upset coming in, but they certainly wouldn't mind you phoning to check.

For all of mine going in would make things harder, not easier. Best for mine was to make the break point as quick as possible. If I'd gone in with them, it would either have been the whole time with them clasped around my leg sobbing, or would have been fine until I went, then still would have sobbed just as much.

Original poster

mmmmmchocolate · 04/09/2014 10:36

The nursery is attached to the school, reception is literally the door opposite, so the teachers know her and the TA's float around the early years so some of them have worked with her whilst she was in nursery. Yes I will tell them to just take her tomorrow so she gets the message that she has to go. I'll mention going in early but to be honest all the kids go in at 8.40 when the gates open. The only ones in before that are the breakfast club.

vlad someone brought a cat? Or was that a little 4 year old story lol. Hope you're feeling ok too. There were others crying, but only mine having a full on terrible twos strop!

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Original poster

mmmmmchocolate · 04/09/2014 10:39

Yeah dewee I don't really want to go in with her as the other parents don't so it's not really fair on the other kids. Plus she would still cry once I tried to leave.

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vladthedisorganised · 04/09/2014 10:44

Definitely a 4 year old story. I did see one toy leave the classroom, but DD loses no opportunity to mention cats - I was quite impressed by the segue from 'but I want to take a toy in to class because it is allowed because one of the other children did, in fact loads of them did and some of them brought their pets in too..' to "..and we could get a cat as well".

Quite hard to leave cheerily this morning though - I almost wanted to say "she's not normally like this!" but I'm sure the teachers have seen it all before!

bonborez · 04/09/2014 11:02

aah its such a hard thing for them. People talk to them about starting school for so long and suddenly its here, its a lot for some children to take. Its definitely not naughty behaviour at all, even if it manifests itself in ways you would normally consider 'naughty'.

The teachers should be far better equipped and ready to deal with this. Its hardly unusual. Ours are great, so warm and reassuring to the parents. Its definitely ok and totally understandable to call the school to check on her. Ours used to call parents to let us know they'd settled if they had a bad morning. Such different approaches make such a huge difference. If it goes on consistently more than a few days (wobbles on the odd day are normal) and make a point of talking to teacher and make a plan.

Marcipex · 04/09/2014 11:02

Phone them, honestly that's fine.

Oneeyedbloke · 04/09/2014 11:18

My basic strategy in all stressful situations involving DC - doctor, dentist, school dropoff, etc - is, frankly, to pretend I'm not upset or that anything out of the ordinary is happening, in the hope that if I look all calm and normal, they'll eventually get the message. If you know from the teachers that your dc basically gets over it once you've gone & has a reasonably happy morning, then maybe it's a case of literally putting a brave face on. So what an uninvolved observer sees is, on the one side, a child giving it the full works, sobbing in that abandoned way only young children can and, on the other, a parent with fixed smile on face going 'OK then byee, you have a LOVELY time' etc. I did think the other parents must think I was the most unfeeling dad ever, but then I'd feel better when watching one of them struggle through a massive leg-clinging episode.

theQuibbler · 04/09/2014 11:28

The staff sound a bit rubbish, tbh. I can’t believe they don’t have various strategies ready to go to help her – they must see this behaviour every single year!

My ds was fine for the first couple of days but when he realised it was an on-going scenario, he became very upset and would cry, scream, cling on and generally, become very distressed.

The TA and the teacher had a range of tricks up their sleeve to help him. He got to go in last, kiss me goodbye and then the TA would hold his hand and distract him as I walked away. They also tried taking him in first and giving him a special task in the classroom. If he was still upset, he was walked around the school and taken to see the animals they keep. The school also phoned me at 10 am every day whilst it was an issue to let me know that he was OK. It lasted about a week/ten days before he calmed down.

I do think they need to be a bit more proactive about helping her settle in.

It is so horrible to see them crying like that and it does makes you feel just awful - I hope you can find some things will help and it gets better soon.

theQuibbler · 04/09/2014 11:33

Oh and this is a bit soppy, but I read it on here as a tip and it really helped DS, so you never know. But I would fill up his pockets with kisses and tell him that if he felt sad he could take one out and it would make him feel better. And it worked. :)

bonborez · 04/09/2014 11:52

Oh Quibblers right, little things that actualy help..

Kisses in their pocket
Giving you a kiss which will last all day (and vice versa)
I think I once gave DS1 a little card with a heart and kiss on it which he kept in his pocket.

MadMonkeys · 04/09/2014 12:46

My DD1 was the same this morning. It's horrible leaving them upset isn't it. I have been thinking about her all day but I bet she has been busy not thinking about me! The kisses in the pocket thing sound rather cute - I think I'll try that tomorrow.

MiaowTheCat · 04/09/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eva50 · 04/09/2014 14:35

Could someone else drop her off? Ds2 always got upset if I dropped him of but was fine for others and ds3 "needed" me to walk him to the classroom door but his dad could drop him at the gate!

Original poster

mmmmmchocolate · 05/09/2014 18:31

Thanks for all the suggestions, I spoke to the teacher about just taking her if she was crying. But I bribed her with the promise of chocolate if she didn't show me up again and that worked. She went in happy holding her friends hand :)

Fingers crossed for Monday!

OP posts:

omama · 06/09/2014 19:43

Bit late to the thread but my ds has also started reception this week & also gets quite anxious & upset at drop off - well he's cried for 2 years of nursery & 1 year of preschool so it was pretty much a given that he'd be upset at school too! Like your dd, he always seems to have a nice time once settled, but that initial bit is hard - moreso on us I think!

We've found that an effective distraction (so far) is to let him take something into school that he can show the teacher/his classmates. He'd found a huge feather when we went out at the weekend so he took that in his bag & we showed it to the teacher before I left & although he got upset about me going, she was able to engage him by asking if he wanted to go & look in a book with her to find out what bird it came from & he agreed & went with her.

Yesterday he took in a picture we made out of different paint colours that he mixed, & went in really happily & proudly (much to my surprise) to show it off. I realise its not something we can do every day - I'll run out of ideas soon - but it definitely helps him to feel better about going in. Hth.

vladthedisorganised · 11/09/2014 10:53

Hi everyone, just wondered how you are all getting on this week? It's still early days but DD seems to be no better about the drop off. There's quite a set routine where they're asked to line up in the playground with parents and file into the classroom alone once the teacher has registered them - DD will slope off with a resigned look, burst into tears halfway and have to be led in by her teacher or a TA.

The school discourages them bringing in anything at all - I understand and support this to an extent as it would get really difficult if everyone brought something in, but it's quite hard to work out how to change DD's focus a bit. She always went into nursery without a backward glance so it's not something I've really dealt with before.

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