Toddler becoming aggressive. Should I wean her?

[Polyethyl]

My 19mo DD is a boob monster. Over the last few months her demands for Tit! have been shoutier, more demanding and insistent. Attempts to offer a bottle of cows milk result in thrashing tantrums. At 4am her willpower is greater than mine, so shes learning that shrieking and thrashing about gets her what she wants.

My mother, husband and childminder have been asking me to wean her for some months. But until today Ive been reluctant to do so, because on the occasions shes been unwell (just normal colds and bugs) she becomes absolutely reliant on my milk. But the childminder has been commenting that when my DD gets frustrated or needs comforting she can work herself up into a frenzy, and can become quite aggressive, picking up whatevers to hand to use as a weapon. (She said she occasionally has needed Ninja speed to intervene when DD has become frustrated with a playfellow.)

This morning I was the target. She fed at 4am, and again at 6am. Once she finished feeding she wanted to stay latched on, whilst playing, wriggling, poking me and pulling my hair, hassling me to play with her, whilst she was still latched on. I wanted to go back to sleep so I turned over in bed and went back to sleep. DD toddled off, got her plastic footstool, carried it into the bedroom and smacked me hard over the head with it. That made me wake up!

On hearing this the childminder tried hard to suppress her I told you so body language, whilst politely suggesting that perhaps I might now consider weaning her. My husband and childminder are in agreement that I am the cause of DDs worsening behaviour. So what do I do now? Is weaning really the answer? How do I get DD to accept a bottle of milk instead of me? How do I cope with her howls of betrayed anguish when I refuse her?

You need to back up saying 'no' with your actions. So say 'no' to her having boob and do not relent.

At 19mo, it's possible that this aggressive behaviour is coinciding with her development in terms of frustration with communicating - how well does she speak? How well does she understand? She may feel frustration which quickly produces anger when told 'no' about boob. She might think that you don't understand - and so resorts to physical means to make you understand.

Be gentle but firm with her. If you and your support network feel that weaning your dd is the right thing to do, then it can be done. But it takes gentle determination from you and reinforcement.

You could start by offering her your breast milk in a sippy cup or beaker, then once she accepts start mixing it with a bit of cow's milk. Over subsequent days mix more cow's milk in until you are just giving cow's milk.

Best of luck and I'm sure others will be along with more advice soon x

Thank you. She is quite vocal for her age. Loads of individual words and thorough understanding of everything we say.

I do relent in the face of such physical writhing thrashing screaming tantrums. It is hard not to at 4am! I need to get a grip.

I do relent in the face of such physical writhing thrashing screaming tantrums. It is hard not to at 4am!

If lashing out at people gets her what she wants, of course she will do it more. You need to stop letting her get anything ever by being aggressive or you truly will end up with a monster on your hands.

I don't think you weaning will solve it. It will probably just move her frustration to something else. If you want to wean, then do, but don't because you think she'll calm down because of it. Bfing is meant to be very calming.
I don't think it's the business of your childminder to tell you. Assuming she isn't refusing to eat/drink while with her, it should make no difference whatsoever-and the fact that she is also finding her behaviour difficult shows that it's nothing to do with breastfeeding.

I would decide what you are doing about night wakings. For me, I always found it easier to feed and go back to sleep. But it sounds like she's not going to sleep always. So you have a choice:

1. You feed her, and hope she goes back to sleep, otherwise you get up with her.
2. You don't feed her at night ever.

If 2, decide how you're going to do it: Tell her beforehand that from tonight, you don't have milk at night because she's a big girl. Then either, husband goes in, or you go in.
Give her a cup/bottle of water. Say quietly: "it's still time to sleep" and help her lie down. You could sit next to her and hold her hand. Or close her door (put a stairgate on so she can't get out) and go back to bed. Make sure her room is safe, and ignore all shouts etc.
That is harder for the time it takes her to realise, but she will realise that you mean it.

During the day, make sure you're consistant. Put her in her room/naughty step etc. if she gets aggressive. It's perfectly normal at her age though

I weaned when mine were ready, which for ds was about 3.6yo because he had a lot of illnesses and when he was ill bm was all he'd take, so it didn't make sense to wean him and have him take nothing. But it make no difference to aggression etc for any of them.

I think it's dreadful that you cm/dh are blaming you for her "worsening behaviour" IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH BREASTFEEDING OR YOU. What is your dh doing at night to help you? If he wants you to wean at night then he needs to be stepping up to do it. Because if she sees you, she has the possibility of bf, if she sees him, the possibility isn't there, so he needs to be dealing with her at night and first thing in the morning. Now see how keen he is to wean.
I'd change childminder too, as she wounds like she is just passing the buck rather than trying to deal with the behaviour.

I can't think it's to do with bf but more to do with being a toddler.

However if you do want to wean her I wouldn't bother with bottles but try sippy cups, normal cups etc. It might be different enough to make it easier to give her milk this way.

I'm not convinced that the aggression is linked to the breast-feeding - especially given that she is also aggressive with the childminder - but removing that battle might help change the dynamic.

I weaned DD at 17 months when she started becoming awkward to feed - the same kind of wriggling/playing/pulling hair as you had this morning, although no violence. DD didn't accept cows milk initially - it probably felt like a poor substitute! So she just didn't drink any milk: I didn't worry about that, because she gets quite a lot of dairy in other food (yogurts, milk with breakfast cereals, cheese, white sauces etc). A month or so later I offered her milk in a cup, and she went absolutely nuts for it! You have to make your own decision, but I didn't feel that a short period without drinking milk was a problem at that age.

But it's the aggression itself that seems like the problem. Agree with Goldmandra that if that behavior gets your DD what she wants she'll continue with it (even if you only give in some of the time - in fact, intermittent reinforcement has the strongest effect on behavior). It seems like you need to make a rule for yourself that as soon as she tantrums, then that automatically means you can't give her what she's asking for.

Make sure you get plenty of positive connection with her to strengthen your relationship, e.g. with physical play like cuddles, tickles, chasing games etc (obviously only when she's in the mood!). Then you'll be in a better position to teach her that aggression isn't acceptable. Peaceful Parent Happy Kids is a good book to describe how that works.

Is your CM a bit inexperienced? surely hitting etc is a totally normal developmental stage at 19 months? I know DS could be aggressive at that age and of course you have to on ninja speed with toddlers. He's 2.7 now and lovely with other kids 95% of the time and I was assured by everyone including brill CM that it was totally normal.

I don't believe the aggression is coming from breast feeding, what is your dp's and childmided's logic behind why breastfeeding is making your dc aggressive, it is as logical as saying a dummy or a bottle is making a child aggressive.

Toddlers often show their frustration/anger in antisocial ways, my 20 month old ds doesn't hurt other people but he throws objects or bangs his head on the floor when he doesn't get his own way, coincidentally he is breastfed.

I do put limits on milk, no boobie in the bed was brought in when ds was 13 months old, so no nighttime feeding, no morning feeding and no feeding to sleep, he wasn't pleased but he got used to the rule quite quickly.

He occasionally asks for boob in the nighttime and I explain that no, no boobie in the bed, I see it as if he asked for ice cream in the nighttime I wouldn't give him some.

My dd2 is now almost 2.5yo and just coming out of her toddler aggression, OP. Her language has been slow to develop (well, slow compared to dd1, who was an early talker). Regardless, I think my dd felt frustration.

And, my dd2 was last breastfed when she was 4mo, so don't feel guilt where that is concerned

I bf both my children till they were 20 months but morning and before bed only. They were eating normal food and drinking water throughout the day they did not need feeding during the night. I weaned my son off night feeds at 13 months by refusing to feed him when he woke he screamed solidly for almost 2 hours but reslised I wasn't giving in and never woke on the night again. I think she is playing you a little bit she knows if she cries you give in - I don't think the aggression is linked to bf but I think it is part of the picture. If you are happy feeding her in the night then by all means carry on but it isn't a necessity she doesn't need it to function like a younger baby. Mine never had bottles straight on to cows milk in sippy cups a few times of throwing them on the floor but after that they took to them fine. Good luck and do what you feel is right but once you have made your decision don't back down!!

Well I haven't stopped breastfeeding, and she is behaving much better. I would love to claim the improvement is due to my marvellous parenting - but actually I think her infant mind realised she'd gone too far, and she'd better play nicely for a while.

Either that or my roar of outrage when she smacked my head constitutes an effective parenting method.

Thank you for the advice though. I will look back at your wise words next time she hits me.

I'm glad she's behaving better.

Stopping BFing DD2 would have guaranteed far worse behaviour from DD2, so I'm not sure what planet your family and CM are in.

In any case it's absolutely non of your DM or CM business if you choose to continue BFing. DH is allowed to grumble if he gets woken up, else he can shut up too.

In any case simply stopping isn't that simple. My boob monster is 13, she still doesn't drink cows milk. She genuinely doesn't like it. I suspect she found formula equally vile and there was a reason she howls at the sight of a bottle.
(I can't express so I don't know if she'd have drunk my milk from a bottle). I suspect not, because she liked feeding.

Don't be sorry to have roared (I'd have smacked her and thrown her in her room). Sometimes, realising they have actually hurt or made an adult genuinely (not play actingly) furious does no harm. Even small children have to learn there are limits.

You would have smacked a 19month old?

I don't know what's worse about that statement, Elephant: the shameless admission about smacking or I'd have thrown her in her room.

And I shake my head at the behaviour parents will tolerate from their DCs.

Elephants, I can't work out whether your DD is 13YO or there is a typo in your post and she is 13mths.

I hope she is 13 months and you have time to learn about more appropriate and effective behaviour management techniques before she gets any older.

Hitting children and throwing them around is abusive and dangerous and most certainly isn't an alternative to tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Physical aggression of that nature just teaches children to be more aggressive themselves.

I strongly suggest you either read about behaviour management or get yourself booked on a parenting course ASAP.

If your DD really is 13 I feel for her.

DD's are 13 and 16 years old and I wouldn't waste a seconds sympathy on them as they are lovely well behaved, well adjusted and happy teenagers.

You know full well what I meant by throwing a child in it's room, clearly I wouldn't actually throw them

You know full well what I meant by throwing a child in it's room

The child doesn't have to literally become a projectile in order for the way he or she is handled to be aggressive and counter-productive. I do know what you meant by that phrase and what you meant by smacking and neither of them should be advocated as a good parenting strategy.

I judge strategies by results, not PC rhetoric.

Having two lovely teens, who are nicer, happier and doing better at school than many posted about here is the only proof I need. Anyway I need to mutter Maths and German HW at DD2.

Now, if anyone has a brilliant suggestion for getting German HW done I'd love to hear it.

I decline to use the ultimate sanction of no gymnastics for a subject she hates and will give up next year.

Now, if anyone has a brilliant suggestion for getting German HW done I'd love to hear it.

Surely all you need to do it threaten to hit her?

Now you are just being silly.

Situation normal for the anti snaking brigade. Ask for an alternative to a quick slap to tell a young child they have pushed it far too far and they don't have one!

We live in the sticks, grounding DD2 big time is easy and something I hope never to have to do.

Since she learnt boundaries when she was small, we don't have reason to fight.

The German homework comment is totally tongue in cheek, the teachers an idiot, but it's far better for her to stay out of detention. It's also much fairer on her lovely tutor, who has to tell her off.

Now you are just being silly.

It is no more silly than advocating hitting a one year old and throwing her in her room.

There are plenty of far more appropriate behaviour management strategies to smacking, as outlined in dozens of threads on this site for a start.

Learning boundaries is linked to firm, clear, consistent communication and expectations, not physical violence. Smacking doesn't support any of those and, like smoking and drink driving, is becoming less socially acceptable for very good reasons.

I don't expect you to agree as you have far too much invested in being right. However, if you advocate it as a good behaviour management strategy on a parenting forum you can expect to be challenged.