I am so ashamed, I think I have caused DD to wet the bed

[louise35]

My DD who is 11 and has ADHD started High School and the first week was okay but her attitude has gone downhill for the last couple of weeks. DH and I have spent the last week shouting at her as she does not seem to care much about her, is forgetting to hand things back in at school and has now lost her planner which has all sorts of personal info in it, but she really does not seem to care. I know she has ADHD but she does not have a really severe case of it and is really intelligent, so I can only blame her behaviour on it to a small degree and its just she seems to switch off and go into her own little world sometimes and its impossible to have a civilised conversation with her. She wont go to bed at night which makes getting up at 6.30 a terrible for experience for the whole household in a morning and because of all the stress we seem to be under we are snapping at each other constantly. Anyway she really played up last night, taking two hours to finish homework which ended up looking like she'd only spent 5 minutes rushing it, then she refused to go to bed. Eventually she did go to sleep. I heard her shuffling about in the night as I am a very light sleeper but did not think anything about it. She played up again this morning before school and after she'd gone I went up to tidy her room. I found a pair of pants under the bed which were soaked, I checked under the duvet and there was a massive wet patch on the bad. The poor little thing had wet the bed. I feel responsible and feel that I have totally stressed her out with all the constant badgering that we have to do. My DH and I seem unable to get through a day without arguing and I dont know if she's picking up on all this. I have spent this afternoon in tears and feeling like a useless Mother. Can someone please give me some advice as there is so much in the media about children becoming depressed etc and I'm worried sick that she is depressed and I am somehow responsible for it.

don't have any advice myself but bumping for you.

First of all don't beat yourself up about it. Everybody makes mistakes and it's better to provide a strong role model as a parent by accepting your mistakes and learning from them.

I would recommend that you do consider taking her to her GP but try not to phrase it as 'you wet the bed therefore there must be something wrong with you'. Some of her behaviour do fall into symptoms of depression but obviously it really needs a GP to diagnose.

In the meantime, try to cut out the shouting, make sure that she eats healthily and gets some exercise. Show her that you feel that she is worth bothering about. Treat her to running a bath with lovely bubbles/salts/smells/candles or take some time out to listen to her or play a game etc.

You should be aware that depression can affect concentration (the homework that took ages), memory (forgetting anything and everything), sleep patterns, etc.

Before she gets told off for forgetting things (something I was terrible with when I was depressed) please try and remember that she didn't do it delibrately. She perhaps has a mental block about these things and the harder she tries to remember, the worse it gets. Particuarly if she is in trouble over it or is humiliated by it.

Part of it is ofcourse that if she is depressed then she won't feel that loosing her things is important - her self-esteme is too low to make an effort for herself.

But please please please cut out the shouting, if nothing else. There are always better ways to deal with things - my memories of being shouted are my strongest ones of childhood, I can't emphasise how awful it is.

((louise)) whatever is going on with your dd, it sounds very recent - so much more dealable with than something longstanding IYSWIM.
I don't have any experience of 11 yr olds, and won't pretend to - just hope others post for you.
But...I do know that my nearly 3 year old has regressed in her behaviour since starting pre-school (where she behaves impeccably, and is very independent) and that that is TOTALLY normal. It makes sense to me that all of us, at any age, will feel overwhelmed and stressed by a big (huge, maybe) new situation like changing schools...no, rows at home don't help of course, but I would bet that school is playing a big part.
All I can suggest is as much quality time together as you can manage, opportunities for her to talk about how she's feeling - and letting her know that you know this is a challenging time for her.
It sounds like a challenging time for you, too - and I agree with Spirited: don't be too hard on yourself - we're all human, we all make mistakes, all that counts is that we own them, apologize when appropriate, and do what we can to act differently. In fact, thats great role modelling.
Hope lots of others come and say wise things for you...

Hi, no experience again but bumping to for you as I hope someone will have.

It does occur to me though that you say her first week was ok. If she has ADHD is there a possibility she may be particularly vulnerable to being bullied, or her new teachers not being particularly helpful - ie, making sure she sits near front, doesn't become distracted, alternating between activities etc (sorry not a lot of experience but have heard these things help)? High school is so different to primary - perhaps you could have a chat with her form tutor about how things have deteriorated at home and what could be done at school to help.

Hello all, thanks for your replies so far. We are going to see her teacher tomorrow for a chat about her progress but unfortunately we have only got 10 minutes with her as the whole school is off tomorrow and the pupils are only popping in for these quick progress chats. I will make sure her teacher is fully aware of DD's condition and to keep an eye on her. I am confident she is not being bullied, she does have plenty of friends so I am not worried in that respect but I suspect that after the first "strict and scary week" they have all settled down a little and are probably trying to test the boundaries a little to see how much or little they can get away with. I must admit they do get homework every night and I suppose it it a shock to their systems. I feel better for getting all this off my chest and after my little cry this afternoon the fog is starting to lift a little. I have not raised my voice to her at all tonight, neither has DH which has been hard as she became quite hyper about an hour ago. We have decided to try a different tactic with her and we will now offer her lots of incentives to behave and do her homework etc. I asked her about the bed wetting episode and she confessed that she had not been to the loo for a wee before getting into bed and she was so tired that she knew what she was weeing but chose not to get out of bed!! I've gently reminded her that I will have to come to the bathroom with her in future to make sure she uses the loo before bed. Usually she brushes her teeth, has a wee and gets into bed then shouts me to come and "tuck her in". I've also reminded her that she must go to sleep at a reasonable time as if she had not been so tired the wet bed incident may never have happened. I do know that I should not shout, I was shouted at by my Mum when I was a child and I remember how horrible it was so I must try to keep myself calm although it will be hard as she really does test the boundaries sometimes but I really do love her and I make sure I tell her this every day. I will keep my eye on her though and if she shows any other possible signs of depression then I will take her to the GP.

Well done you. And dd. And dh.