Still Clingy at 5 years ????

[justtheone]

DS is a quiet, reserved child who finds it very difficult to face new situations. He would prefer to be at home than go to birthday parties. Any parties he goes to, I have to go too. He has yet to go to a playdate by himself.
He loves water and going to the swimming pool, so last year I arranged swimming lessons. There were many tears but eventually we agreed that he would go to his lessons if I was also in the pool. We have progressed a little this year and I can now just sit and watch.
Last year I also arranged an after-school French class for him. After the problems with swimming I postponed it to this year. He started last week and it has been a disaster. Last night was the final straw when the teacher started to berate me for not just leaving him in the classroom, although he was very upset. There was no way I could just walk away from a distressed DS.
DH says he will grow out it and not to worry but I would really like some advice on how to handle DSs obvious distress at being left. He is now in Year 1 at school and loves every minute. Once he is comfortable with his surrounding and trusts the people he is with, he is a happy, confident little boy.
Thanks.

Justtheone - he sounds EXACTLY like my dd, now 10. She loved parties, school, going to tea, swimming lessons - everything - once she managed to step through the invisible curtain (!) and provided I was somewhere near - preferably no further than two feet away! We tried everything, but nothing worked, and in the end we just had to accept that that was the way she was, and either I went with her or she didn't go. She gradually got braver, and, in fact, last night she managed her last hurdle - a sleepover. She has never been able to spend the night away from home although she desperately wanted to, and last night she did it. She is a happy,confident, sociable girl with lots of friends doing well at school so it hasn't held her back. Bizarrly, she is able to do things like singing solos in fromt of 500 people but still finds it hard to step into a party on her own. I think the thing to do is relax - I know that I made it worse by stressing about it, and wait for it to pass. Once they are old enough to balance the desire to go to the party or whatever against the awful feeling of panic at going in it starts to get better. Remember, your ds is still very young - he will be a different person in 6 months time. And, personally, I would not go to a class taught by a person who wouldn't let you stay with an upset 5 year old. Got to go - school run time. I'll be back later!

don't put him in those positions until he's ready for it

it must be irritating for you though

Justtheone, I know it's a few years ago but I was exactly the same as your DS. My mother who is an extremely sociable, bubbly (hate that word!) woman used to push me into everything & because we are so different couldn't understand why I was upset. I used to feel I wasn't wanted. Give your DS time. I still remember the trauma of 1st weeks of nursery/school, going to parties/after school clubs when I knew noone. Please don't worry. You sound very in tune with your DS and with your continued love & gentle encouragement (apologies for cheese factor) he will grow in confidence. You said it in your last line "Once he is comfortable with his surroundings and trusts the people he is with, he is a happy, confident little boy." I got through it and have turned out to be extremely independent, done lots of adventurous things including travelling around the world on my own & people fall over in disbelief when I tell them how I am shy and my idea of hell is still walking into a room full of strangers.

Hi all, thank you for the advice. I have been in such a dilemma since last night. I have been taking the softly, softly approach and I have been trying to introduce him to things slowly and calmly. Now that he is settled at swimming, I thought I would try something else.

The teacher's approach was quite severe... she grabbed him by the arm and tried to make him sit down! She also said that as she had been a nanny for 7 years, she knew how to handle these problems and that I was not being firm enough. I must admit that it has made me question my handling of DS... am I just pandering to his clinginess?

are you?

you're his mummy and the only one who can determine whether you're pandering to him or whether he needs you to react in this way

Justtheone, can I ask you a question: was your DS like this (clingy) when he was about 5 months? I'm worried my little one will be like yours as mine will cry if he's not being held / carried around. I'm curious to know where this sort of behavious leads......

I, personally, find that in the long run it pays out to let the child decide when they let go, i.e. constantly reassure them if they need to, carry them, hugging them whatever when they need it...some children just need more of it then others...I have 3 different Kids, Es was "normal" clingy, i.e. went thorugh the stages as Kids do, ms is extrememly happly, and confident, will go off easily just not clingy...and ys had been whingy and clingy from Birth...he is now 2 qand we finally getting somewhere, but he knows, I am always there should he need it!